people like me

Today well I'm leaving volunteering right now. I'm going to be heading back to work to go get the job. To go do my job lol. And always get a little bit like I'm not nervous nervous to come and see everybody but I was going to leave a little bit in my head which is progress considering all the things that I usually go through in my entire body. Anyway, I went to go work and Dana was working today which was exciting cuz I love her. And very ended up being there too the girl from the dance one of the girls I met at the dance her name is Barry. B e r r y. So I was just sharing with her and she always seems nervous to be around me and I'm like I'm normal I'm fine it's okay. But she was like I love volunteering with you this is great you she come with me basically on the energy and like the way I am around people and I was like oh and then I turned off work. And then Dana I was chit-chatting to staying at about taking pictures in the garden this weekend and tell her about a spider I saw she's like yeah a banana spider now it's like oh yeah she must have seen my story on facebook. And I was like you have any extra supplies that she had me everything I needed and she was like here go use your charm and I was like immediately turn off work. Not wow LOL I was like jokingly like what what charm. And music turn awkward and then went over to talk to him and you said charm and end up getting a girl to make it for him cuz I guess they were friends I didn't do each other. And and then I heard my name being called to turn around and Dana was like hey yeah Barry was trying to tell him your name and then I turn around and it's not at them and she came over and it's like yeah he really likes you and I was like oh oh okay. We were laughing about that. But as I'm walking out I'm like these people like me. I know that may sound weird but it is weird for me to know people like me. And I was like genuinely like taking it back like what I do my body oh my god. But they like me. And my friends also like me. And that is wild to me. Because I growing up my sister used to tell me all the time people only like me because of how I look. Because of my skin tone. They don't really like me. and I will say Barry was also very nice just like oh your dress you look come out here and just give me all the compliments and make me feel so good and I was like oh my god. And she also made a comment about like we were talking about sisters and grown up with girls and she was like yes absolutely no makeup and I was in my head like I don't wear makeup and you're the second person to make a comment like that to me. Even Andre the other day was like you don't have dark spots Andrea not andre. Also account last night. So I'm trying to lean into these things and I'm doing an okay job I think. It's just moments like that where I'm like oh people like me. People like me. And this weekend I forgot to mention like I talked about majority of stuff for like Laura invited me to that concert last minute and I was so excited that was so much fun I really enjoyed it. And then we like Bond at that night too and that was great and I love that. And then Laura B saw that I was hanging out with Tori because she saw the dog and I was talking to her and she's like wellif y'all want to park your car at my house and walk over to the arena you can do that and I was like oh my God thank you I'll let her know if we may take you up on that. We either not doing it but I was like people like me. And I saw I may have talked about this already cuz all this is worth a text it's voice to text. But I was at Victoria and her mom and her mom seems like a mom like I love to have you around put you in my nerves LOL. But hanging out with Tori who wanted me to be her mom we went out to have lunch and then we ran into Lacey and then Laura invited at the park at her house give me a tour I have such a good time our vibes are immaculate loved every minute of it 10 out of 10. Okay. I'm okay. And I think I can do this. And people like me. Oh and my cousin reached out to me this morning and wants me to make something for her crochet would she heard it ask me like f****** hats or whatever but just like all the stuffed animal I need to get the materials are like something else I'm going to make her chicken lol. But like people like me people like me. I don't know keep saying that but it's like I'm trying to get it to register that it is true because it is true people like me. Okay I'm going to enjoy some music before I

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Almost forgot I don't think I read about this. Me and Tori were bonding during the concert too and talking about all the things with her friend and she loves to talk about herself at night in a bad way in a good way cuz I always feel like I'm tired by myself it was so nice to hear somebody like spill all the things to me I felt so honored. But we were talking about different stuff and she told me about she had an abusive relationship she went to therapy and all these things and I was like wait a minute did you have an extra crisis that she was like I did call my brother is like really how yours I was like I did too relaxing we were talking about both of our existential crisis and it was so funny because we had a good time

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I'm high.

Crawford proposed his girlfriend, the one that people don't really like kinda sorta. And in fucking Tanzania. I know someone who's gone to Tanzania now. 

He proposed. And Candice is next. 

I wish she'd at least do me the favor of blocking me on Facebook too so I don't have access to watch whatever happens between the two of them. 

Watch them be in love and finally be together. Live together, adopt a cat or dog. Travel, find their favorite restaurant, shop for groceries. 

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Im gonna be single forever. 

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I'm in love with her.

I may not have believed Candice truly liked me but I think she knew I liked her. It's like she woo'd me from the beginning. From the moment she ran in and out of the gym multiple times in front of me while I was on the phone. Or when she got on the bike next to mine and tried to cutely get my attention while I pretended to ignore her. 

This girl has waited outside the bathroom door for me. She told me her secrets. She waited at the front desk for me. She never charged me for talking to her. She didn't charge me for like 2 body scans. She danced to make me laugh. She mocked me by flipping her hair to make me laugh. It bothers her when I ignore her. The look she gave me when I walked in the gym. The look she gave me when I told her I like her. Her continuing to push me to start sharing with her again. Her finding ways to talk to me. And I really think she came back from her trip early to see me. She looked so happy to see me. She asked me if I was leaving the gym event that morning. She was flirting. She sat by me in the booth at breakfast because she wanted to sit next to me. She cock blocked me because she didn't want to see me flirting with someone else. 

Me.

Candice likes me and I didn't believe it. 

Why didn't she just tell me?

Why doesn't she just tell me?

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She told me she liked my hair. She checked on me before Christmas. Christmas. 

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And when we were mad at each other, she ignored me but also made sure I noticed her. 

And when she got tired of me ignoring her, she planted herself right next to me to workout for an hour. And she faced me to watch me workout. 

....what is she doing? Is she really gonna move in with this girl?

That's gonna fucking crush me ohmygah. 

She likes me and she did all this just to keep up this charade?!

For what? To what end? Is it that important? 

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I miss her terribly and it literally feels like I always will. It feels like nothing will ever compare to being with her, hearing her laugh, watching her work, looking into her eyes. Sharing with her, we leaned in to such an easy connection. It felt like breathing when we let go. 

I'm leaning in and there's nothing there. 

She's taken herself away from me. Is that how she felt when I blocked her?

Why did she have to be the first person I fell in love with? Why did she have to feel so fucking good but never be mine?

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She always made time for me. I knew she was giving me her time for free, but I didn't know that was a big deal. I thought that was normal. 

She never wanted just a professional relationship with me. She was always using her professionalism as an excuse to get close to me. I thought I was using my struggles to connect with her as a friend, thinking that would be enough.

But I confessed all my everything to her and she just let me and didn't say a word. I went off on her on email and she just let me and didn't say a word to defend herself. She just pushed me away. She used my ignorance to push me away. 

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She let me in and I didn't even know it. 

And then she kicked me out and I never saw it coming. She knew I was emailing her about her working out next to me. Maybe she did all this on purpose...I don't think that's true. I don't think she thought that far ahead. But I do think she lied because she knew it would upset me. 

Or she just wanted to save her own as. But from what? What would I have done to her? If I wanted to tell someone-- everyone everything I would have done that. 

I just wanted her to listen to me and respect my wishes. It was not fair for her to flirt and leave me alone and longing while she did life with her girlfriend. And even if she longed for me, it's not the same. I didn't have someone to love and cuddle and travel and bond with. And for her to pay that picture of her kissing her girlfriend, "her love" She might as well had punched me. 

That fucking sucked. You're up my ass but confessing your love for your girlfriend. And you know what happened after she...never mind I can't remember if the kissing post came before or after my last gym social. But I feel like it was before...oh well. 

None that matters anyway. I'm still alone and she's still with her girlfriend.