out

This happened yesterday and pissed me off. 

Andrea got to witness that in real time. It lit me up inside. They were tag teaming me. As I'm trying to respond, messages were tumbling in. I was so mad I was shaking. And then Andrea said it makes her nervous because she does the boss's books. And I said she's not dumb, she's lying because she knows she can. She manipulates and takes advantage.

And Candice blocked me. Idk if it was immediate but it probably was. I am shocked but also kind of don't know how to feel. But it is kind of what I wanted. 

So... Oh well?

Will I cry in my car on the way to the nail salon? Probably. 

~

I just know Candice will end up regretting this. It may not be soon but it will happen eventually. 

And maybe she won't. I guess now I'm the problem. I have probably been inducted into the blame category for her and her girlfriend. 

What's sooooo funny is she let me confess my feelings and didn't block me. But the second I truly realize that she has feelings towards me and has since the beginning, I'm blocked.  

~

I'm on my way back to Andrea's house. I got my nails done after I picked up a coffee at starbucks. The guy didn't do my nails the way I wanted to but it was not terrible he just seems that I know what rounded almond means. And while I was there my sister text me out of the group and asked me if I could get with the girl who dogs it so she can watch the dog until Monday no but here's her number. And she hasn't said anything else yet. So I'll take that as a win. I also stop by the office cuz I need to pee and poop. I feel like I haven't stopped up and the only time I ever go poop is when I'm relaxed and I have been relaxed. And last night after we had so much fun at the restaurant last night Robert paid for everything I had two drinks and a chicken quesadilla and I was already hides okay I had to have had to walk me to the bathroom cuz I could stand up and walk but I was like where am I and what are things and what's happening. And we had a really good time.. I did end up adding Tori from the gym to my close friends last night too. So she got a chance to see me having a lot of fun. It was a crazy but it was fun. And I was chatting with the guys and nails on before he got a little testing not really but I'm a little he tried it. Getting them done at the same time what didn't enjoy it was kind of weird it's awkward and I wanted to crochet when I got my pedicure done. But she was so nice and I always feel weird cuz I don't know what to do with my body I'm like where do you want my feet right now I don't know what I'm supposed to do. But she finished my pedicure and she was thank you and I was saying thank you and she asked me if I'd ever been there before and I said yes like a few times. And she patted my leg and said you're nice and I was like oh thank you. And just have a good lord always does every time I'm having a moment where I'm thinking I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or I feel like I need a little bit of encouragement about something I get it from somebody around me and it's usually a stranger when I'm out at about. Because I was really thinking about the casting a little bit and I wasn't overthinking it but I was just like should I have done that I don't know about me I don't know I don't know where his head's at and that's okay now it's like I don't know maybe I'm not handling things the right way baby I shouldn't be telling people maybe I shouldn't have reach out to her but who's to say what's right or wrong all I know is I trusted myself and it felt right in the moment so I did it. And I wasn't mean about anything recently LOL I can be honest about that. But I was nice when I said that message and it wasn't intended to be ugly she just barely knew me for under an hour I was like I am nice thank you I didn't need that reminder. Because between Candace and our family I don't feel like that sometimes it's not necessarily Kansas's fault because I just happened to fall in love for the first time with someone who has borderline personality. So I get that on one part. And my family I don't get because it'd be different if it was a one and done situation but to be attacked like that yesterday was a lot and I don't even think of it as embarrassing I just don't want to be in that house. I don't want to be there I want to move out and it was just a reminder of why I am doing what I am doing.

~

On my way to Tori's place to go get food with her mom and then go to this concert.. I feel feelings right now. I can't quite put my finger on them. I was a little bit in my head a little bit not in my head at August's party. Everyone was really nice nobody made anything weird it was really comfortable. I also took a hit off the joint before the party started outside. So I kind of settled down. But thinking about my sister and my parents my mom and my dog. Because even though on the surface that situation is like settlement should be fine it's hardly ever that and I don't feel okay about it. Like I wouldn't be surprised because that girl is a college student that babysits my dog. So I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't have availability and they left her at the house anyway. And I feel like I'm going to get in trouble and I'm 30 years old. But I'm not 30 I'm 20 now did you get the point. I feel like impending doom or going home that's what it is. I don't want to go there I don't want to go home. I think that's what it was about the party. It reminded me of being at somebody's house when I was growing up and like getting a being able to spend the night and then not wanting to go home like being very upset about going home. And I was I feel like sad would be okay it's for a kid to like want to stay out and have fun. But I was upset about going home I didn't want to go at all I would rather stay with whoever I was with. I tried it going back home. And the time I thought there was normal because I always felt that way but now I'm figuring out that that's probably not normal nothing it's not normal it's not it's an indication of something else bad happening at my house. I probably didn't feel safe there growing up and that's why I wanted to stay away. And I don't know if I wrote this in my diary but I am certain that my mom kept me from finishing my college out on campus. I don't think she wanted me to have the freedom of being out of the house. Cuz she told us to leave and I left I don't know I don't know I don't know it's just conjecture but it's a feeling I have and I'll let it go wrong is Candice has come up a little bit but not enough to really bother me is just enough to be like I hate that. I just wish I don't know because everything I want to say doesn't make any it doesn't guarantee any outcome. If I say I want her to do what she wants to do she's obviously already doing that. If I say I want her to make the best decision in her head she's already probably doing that so I can't I want us to be together and that's all I have is one. That's good so maybe that's why I should be I don't know I don't know but I don't know and I know it's okay to know and I know I'm not high right now but I'm a little high a little bit but I don't know. I also felt a little weird about my clothes today I feel like I was too big to be in them and I know that they fit just fine. But I feel I felt out of place I got uncomfortable in my clothes and in my body. Even going to change I looked at myself for a second and I thought no and then I talk myself down and I was like no this is okay out that you chose it because these are clothes you like to wear and you're comfortable in them so you're going to go out in front of all these people you don't know and your friends that you do know and you going to pack your bags and leave again in your car to get ready for this concert. cuz I almost started freaking out about should I be wearing this should I change I should be in something else I was like no this is what you wanted to wear if it's you may not feel it right now but you do look fine so go with it lean in. Can you hear my therapist now saying that okay so I just keep trying to tell myself that it may not feel easy and now I'm crying. It may not feel easy and it may not feel natural but I am okay and I am doing the right thing I'm just still in my learning curve that's all.

~

I've only talked a little about Candice and I'm gonna try and keep it at that tonight. 

Tori also heard that Ashley is moving here. 

And I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I did that. 

~

I am on my way home. At least I think I'm on my way home I really don't f****** know. But I will say I had a really good time with Tori and her mom and we saw Lacey and her family. That was exciting like I know people when I go out in public now that's crazy. But I had a really good time and it just felt a lot like very shocking like I didn't ever think this would be my life and I said that a lot but I actually like I mean it a lot when I say it cuz I'm not saying it for nothing. I just never expected to be going out in general the other one going out people who I can call my friend people who trust me people who like me enough to let me meet their parents because she could have just been like on my mom's in town I'll meet you at the concert should have to let me come have fun dinner with her mom and then she bought dinner and she loved the bandanas I made her don't worry did. And then I went on a walk with her and her dogs and she was telling me about her last relationship and her less she were her friends friends that are s***** friends are good and it was just a really nice time. and we enjoy the concert and we're chit-chatting and giggling and just having fun. And it was nice to have a little bit of time where I didn't have to constantly worry. The worry was there and that's what leave me back to where I am now. 

I am going home but I don't know if anybody's going to be there and I don't know if my dog's going to be there and I don't know if I should even be there if it's actually going to be too hot to live in. So I'm feeling very abandoned by my family also gas lit by my family and just confused they make me feel crazy. Because I'm able to stop and have every time I get a good thing going it seems like they bring up something to s*** on my life. And I don't know if it's coincidence I don't know if it's on purpose and I really don't f****** care either way it gets on my f****** nerves and I hate it with a passion. I want to get out of this house. I don't want to be living in the house of my family. And even saying that out loud is making me emotional because I shouldn't have to say that. I should be able to live with my family I should be happy with my family and I know it's not my fault but it doesn't make it any better it feels like it's kind of worse because at least if it was my fault I can fix things but this isn't my fault and the only thing I can do is get out and I don't know if I can do that in time like I'm afraid to be living in this house with his people. Because if they can do that over a little white lie that led to this big commotion and I don't even know if my dog is with the sitter if my dog is at somebody else's house like I don't know what's happening and I should feel I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't feel stressed about going home it's home. And now I'm just like I don't I don't want to be there I do not want to be in this house it's be almost out and have to pull back with so f****** hard so f****** hard I just I don't want to be there I want to move out I'll need to move out of this house because I honestly don't know much how much longer I can keep doing this and I'm afraid for them to come back cuz they've had the weekend to like sit down at a hotel with a little feet kicked up talking about me. So that's kind of scary to go into a house where you don't trust the people you live with but they're your blood family. And that's my situation. I don't know what their appliedments came in and do behind my back and that is frightening. And right now I don't really have a choice other than to be in this house with them and I'm trying to not rush into anything to make any quick decisions about where to go and we're not to go but I would like to go away from this house. But Tori didn't tell me that Weatherford happened that are cheap so I'm going to start looking in Weatherford cuz that's about the same distance away from where I want to be like it's if I was at home I can't even get it out I'm just having a rough moment right now because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to go to this house because whatever it is too hot. I'm afraid to go in this house because what my family is already back but they never left I don't know what's happening the only communicate what they want to they make decisions without me constantly but then expect me to just be gung ho about it and then blame me when I'm not and that's not okay and I know that's not okay and now I'm about to start crying because I know all these things I know all these things and they make me feel like I don't know what I'm talking about but then too just treat me poorly and then okay I got to get off this roller coaster I got to count this roller coaster 

My family is supposed to love me unconditionally and I know it's not that they don't but it feels like that a lot of times it's like I'm not I'm just a tool for them I really want to be on his house and I'm afraid to be closer and closer I get to leaving but something's going to happen to me. And I really just want to go I got to get out of this house I really got to get out of his house. 

I'm trying to figure out how anything else to say and I kind of just want to keep talking to him I'm like thinking out loud and my feelings aren't being trapped in my body we did it at talking about Candice one more time tonight Tori asked me about her from her and I told her to know that she is actually just blocked me I told her that I told her how I felt she didn't block me because she's going to quit the gym she didn't block me but the second I told her that I know she treated me differently than everybody else she blocked me up probably almost immediately I'm just assuming it was that fast but she blocked me either way Victoria was like oh and we talked about it for a little bit and that was just that I just let it go because there's nothing else I can do I was just like I'm just trying to get over things and that came up because you were at the arena and she was like did you come to the games and I was like no I was trying to avoid Canada so no she's like well that's good she was here and she was taking pictures with everybody because everybody knows her and I was like great that's fantastic that's great that's great. I just want out and I did think about it and maybe next year cuz I have this one credit card paid off I can join the gym then revisit it then but I did enjoy the walk I did with Tori and her dogs so I think I'm going to start taking my dog on a walk while she's figure out how hot it is outside what it is for Paul's and keeping water on me to give to her so she didn't overheat all you're going to see I think that'll be good for both of us to get out of the house that is partially why I wanted to get one of the benefits of a psych dog could be that like you had to take care of it and a lot of those psych dogs are larger require you to get outside and get them moving because they needed to be happy and healthy so do I. I really do think I'm going to need a psych dog because realistic night 

I'm going to study a little bit I think I'm going to need a psych dog because realistically I feel like once I am out of this house and I feel safe I feel like I'm going to fall into myself a little bit like let go and not necessarily self-destruct but like I'm going to have a burnout like I've never experienced before. There's no longer having to feel on the edge you feel unsafe still unsure like I can't trust people I live with being okay in my own home I think it's going to be an overwhelming experience it's like the reversal it's like withdrawal from drugs but like just having negative effects just still positive that it feels negative I don't know in my head it makes sense when I said out loud it sounds confusing but I know what I mean. I just think it's going to be an overwhelming and scary sensation for my body to feel safe

~

There is this rod called Big bend. It's got Big Ben LOL like the clock. And it's basically like a row of seats attached to the front that goes up and down up and down up stay up there and it'll drop down and then all the way and then drop all the way to drop down. But that's the whole purpose of the ride is just back and forth it makes your stomach fall in your body. I feel like that's my life my life in this house with my family is Big Ben but instead of going up and down and up and down like doing it just for the fun I am constantly at the top of this ride waiting on my mother until pull the lever and drop me to the bottom no breaks all gas no brakes. I feel like she is just hooking me out and making me feel like it's going to have is going to happen it's going to happen I'm almost scared I'm too scared I'm afraid that it's just going to happen it's going to happen she's going to pull up and I'm always waiting anticipating this drop that's like that's my f****** life in this house and I want off that ride I don't want to be on that ride. 

I am afraid she's going to want to have a family meeting when she gets back home. So she can set us all down and explain why I'm terrible. And what I shouldn't be selfish. And how I should be a team player. And she's not going to save me directly she's going to say we and make it about everybody but it's going to be about me.

~

Well, they're still here. 

I am currently in my room, with my dog, standing in the floor pulling out my hair. I contacted 2 places to live and now I feel stuck. Literally. I'm thinking about what if I move into a complex where Candice and her girlfriend live. And what if my family has wakes me up with shit tomorrow. Should I shower tonight? Should I even go to bed?

...I'm gonna have an edible, use tweezers to spot pull and then shower and get in bed.