more of doing me

I DMd Candice on Messenger. At almost 3 am.

I had to pee then I couldn't sleep and I just kept thinking about it. So, I said 

"You may as well block me on here too. I don't want to watch you be happy with her"

And now I'm gonna go to bed and wake up to being blocked. Hopefully. 

~

She hasn't blocked me. Is blocked me. Why don't you just block me. It's the least she can do after everything. And if not asking a lot cuz she already f****** did it on instagram. F*** those stupid it's all very stupid

~

It's end of day. I left work early to go to the doctor. I left the doctor on my way to go see Mia at the doctor. And I passed by the gym cuz that's where Matt f****** took me the map took me there. Of course Candice's car is just sitting there cuz her life is normal she gets to go back to everything she was doing before it's just throw me the f*** away so as I was passing by Christina carve this person who just threw me away and picked up her with her life as if nothing changed nothing is different I'm just with my girlfriend I'm so in love b******* I decide to check my Facebook to see if she blocked me the way I acted and she did. Sure my therapist will say something about me taking control of the situation but I don't care so be it oh well oh f****** well

~

Well, that's it. I got what I wanted since I couldn't get what I wanted. 

~

So I'm back in my car and getting ready to go home. I'm leaving the hospital from seeing Mia and she's not a great time and she did admit that and I was like okay that's good but she is like making the best of it it's not ideal situation like I'm guessing it's finally over now and I don't have to worry about that. It just hurts my feelings and that's all it's been doing is just hurting my feelings so it's just where I'm at I'm just left him with my feelings anymore and I don't like that here I don't want to feel s***** tired of feeling s*****. I don't want to be sad about Candice I just want my life back. Oh my happiness back. And I feel like she got all that she got her life back her girlfriend moving here she got her happiness and I'm stuck with just life I don't want. I'm not happy I might be getting a third therapist day to go see a psychiatrist cuz she can't diagnose me just like f*** I'm really trying and it seems like it doesn't matter sometimes so it's just very upsetting and I don't really know what to do with that because I was just being sent just wanted to be happy and I thought that's what I was doing so very disappointing to learn that that's about the case feel like I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore and it was okay at first because at least I was like doing other fulfilling things I know I still am but it just doesn't feel the same it's not what I want 

I'm starting to realize that Candice doesn't love me he was just wanted something from me and so she got what she wanted and now she's gone she doesn't care about me in that way this is y'all just for sure. That feelings don't really matter to her she doesn't feel the same way I feel very clear she doesn't feel the same way how I feel terrible feeling tomorrow she does not care about me and she is only concerned about her gym and that's it a picture at her mom she could not care less take the internet I don't want to care about Candice I don't want to think about her he's obviously not thinking about me and I do not matter to her all she cares about is her gym I don't understand what I do anything had to leave the gym I'll ask her for what I wanted it was so f****** simple and she reminds me to give that to me she wanted anyway and I don't get what I want I never get loud I'm so f****** hard to deal with but I know it's not completely true cuz there's obviously things that I want that I do have like the big names I told him I am so sorry no the big things I want I don't have. Cuz I know I asked her to block me and it is what I wanted but it's just a reminder of just like sure I'll block you it's that easy like I'm not she doesn't want to fix anything it's never it's always just been me trying to fix stuff she never wanted to fix anything I don't even know why I'm surprised because every problem I had and took to her that had to do with her she did not want to fix she just pretended to go along with it it's just all f****** sucks I'm in love with her and she doesn't give a s*** about me that is the worst feeling in the world to know so many feelings this care I'm disposable I'm just the convenience that's it that's all I feel like a f****** idiot I don't know up or down mother crying part would be over again tonight it just keeps coming I don't want to be crying about her I don't want my heart to belong to her I want to turn those feelings off forever no part I'm tired of care about the moon I wish I had never experienced that I wish I never met never experienced any of that I take it back and I did everything else this is terrible I just wish I didn't mean her I wish I never asked to be her friend just left her alone from the beginning and then I should have left her alone and I should have just fall in my first time I'm just like you like her you can't be friends with her and then I should have just done that be she just turned off of just cold she immediately turned into the person and everybody else said she is it's so confusing cuz I have met this other person she gave me something different in the second I told her I didn't want to do that anymore and she turned it off there is no more empathy no more nothing nice terrible 

I just don't understand why she would do any of that like almost a point it doesn't make any sense I just never expected her to be so cruel it was heartless and then for her to go to her girlfriend and cry? Whether or not she's doing the right thing with she was just let her f****** quit I feel like I should have just never reached out to her I should have never been a mess about how I felt you should have never let her in I just joined the gym. I just wish there was a lot of stuff that I didn't do and I don't know right now if the shirt off was worth it it's probably the worst in my life and I just know I was never going to go anywhere with her I wish I just never met her at Walmart there's nothing game didn't mean to hear about heartbreak and knowing that I can feel that way about a person and that they can make me feel like they feel that way and then it's just gone in an instant because I wanted to communicate I don't know about it that was an issue it doesn't make any sense at all it's just twisted and I'm crying and I can't keep up with like making sure that the words are coming out onto this thing the way they're supposed to but I told her that we shouldn't be friends and she's pushing me on wanting to talk and do all the steps and I told her was difficult to leave me alone so I can stay at the gym and she immediately it tells me to quit it goes from not wanting to let me go to just pushing me away just because she can and I don't know if I should trust a person like that I don't know if I ever can trust a person like that is to know that that's a possibility I never giving money at any given moment it doesn't make any sense whatsoever and now she is literally Out of reach and I know it's for the best it's just it took forever it took some f****** long so I don't like this look at I wish embarrassed myself she still did that to me and there's no remorse no sorry no nothing it's just silent she won't say a f****** word

~

And my dad keeps texting me and I feel like that's my sister's fault. And my forehead is all tingly from crying and my lips and I'm like shaking and it felt like I was gonna pass out for a second. Now I'm just teary faced sitting in my car outside of this big fancy house I don't want to be in. 

I feel like Candice is a culmination of my parents.

I can't believe she never told me how she truly feels about me or the situation. It's just over. 

Done. It's done.

"You may as well block me on here too. I don't want to watch you be happy with her"

And so she did. 

And I guess this is it. For the hundredth time.

She's done nothing, gave me nothing since all of this ended. And it just furthers my confusion, my despair, my disdain, my distrust. 

I hate everything about this. 

~

Andrea just sent me this

Correct. Hope you find what you're looking for. I think once you live on your own you will feel more clear. 

And in context, it's caring. Out of context, on it's on, you know what I focused on??!!

Hope you find what you're looking for.

Because that's literally what Candice said to me in her very confusing, very public goodbye. 

Hope you find what you're looking for.

~

I don't need a positive spin on things. Shut sucks. 

Shit sucks and the one person I want to talk to, I don't get to talk to.

So I cried some more, got in the shower, refused to eat but then ate a rice crispy treat, and then got my sad little butt on Bumble. 

Aaaaaand, I found a match!