rough start

I'm a little annoyed this morning again and I want to cry a little bit too I had to stop and put air in my tires the front left tire is not holding here for some reason it just stopped on 18 and it should be double that in my tire and I am going to get it looked at and get an oil change this weekend but I'm just annoyed so I feel like why me. And I know that this happens to everybody like everybody has to maintain their car and do all the things and it just hit me this morning that I'm wondering if that's also related to trauma brain. I feel like minor inconveniences are my fault and I have brought them on myself from the universe and kind of way. And when I said that out loud to myself I was like oh that might be why I get like this whatever I have to do something to take care of my car by myself or something like that and I feel like the world is just against me because I know logically it's not but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way and that way doesn't make any logical sense cuz I'm assuming that is the case and that's why it gets into my skin so much and also just don't f****** trust people sometimes and that too. So now I'm too late to get breakfast and I really like a coffee to help me put and I need some kind of food so I can take my medicine I'm just going to run downstairs and see if they have any Pop-Tarts or something cuz I don't know I don't know what to do. I have to get coffee from them too and now you also get to hear me thinking out loud. I don't know. I'm only trying to push forward you're going to see we're going to see now you're going to see. I've also been thinking about Candice a lot. And when I say a lot I do mean just more than usual now like every single second of the day. But this also seems to happen when I go hang out with that one group of gym friends always nervous that she's going to be there. And I know now that either way I'm going to be a little bit upset it's around how much and can I mitigate it when I get there. But this morning I imagine me like leaving to go have a panic attack and then she follows me and immediately comes me down. I also have been reimagining those moments where I thought I was being weird and now I'm just saying that we were both being weird and she. Well it's still kind of cute and still also sad. Trying to make some space for myself to feel my feelings do the things with the stuff but it's just hard that sounded like my paperwork for the psychiatrist I still have to fill out my paperwork for the psychiatrist and I'm not thrilled about that either. I think that's what I've been putting that off because it is not exciting me at all just a matter of so f****** here we go. But I will say on a positive note I was thinking about texting Mia and kaylin. So I texted MIA last night and asked if she wanted any visitors today and she said she's going to have family in and I was like okay I'll check back next week and I sent her a little just for funsies. Is it was thinking about asking to message Caitlin today so I was just going to wait last night and just message her sometime this evening and she ended up I was good food. But turns out she text me yesterday she DM me on Instagram and she had the same thing in mind. And I was like oh my God I guess I do want to go do stuff so we're going to hang out Monday evening I think. So I'm trying to like I don't f****** know I'm trying I'm just trying everyday I'm f****** trying.