constipated

I literally just woke up. 

It's not even 7 am. 

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I can feel myself trying to panic. I'm on my way to work cuz I just had a sour candy I'm struggling okay. I'm struggling it's real sour. But I try to panic I know I should be talking about my feelings and stuff. Text me this morning I got another text to my sister for the garage was not working I had to pull it open and left it open and I was going to leave it like that but I looked in there and my Amazon packages still stacked against the wall so I had to go and pull it down which isn't a big deal I was just like I would rather have left it open so I didn't have to feel like I was caretaking. Speaking of which aware in the moment that I feel like I was. But also yesterday I thought she was going to be upset me for something cuz she was like weird when she came in and I was like oh no what has happened. Got to talk to myself like me getting in trouble for something I don't know about something she does know about that she just remember I'm like what's happening so it ended up being that that I jokingly said Chris is going to deny my raise because I'm black and I always do that when I know that my color does not affect the way people treat me. But he did deny it because something about him being afraid of money right now so I was like well she's a little Hunter. She was a little upset. I was like that's fine a huge deal was I going to be excited for it yes but they did say they appreciate everything I do Troy said yes Chris said he appreciates everything I do yeah yeah I don't remember the rest. He appreciates everything I do and just not know just not right now and that they're going to consider increasing my profit sharing which would also be fan f****** testing. So that's where we are still where we were and I don't really feel the way about it it would have been great to like up my budget for my apartment search but I guess not right now so do with what I got cuz I'm like wanting to get this house and it feels like I'm in my own house of mirrors every time I turn around I am bumping into a beer is this my karma that's probably talking about my family talking at me gets me in my head and then gets me panicked LOL I feel fine on the outside I can feel the underlying stressor that makes me want to panic so that's why I'm here doing voice to text on my way to work because I knew I needed to say words to make myself feel a little bit better to get myself out of my head because it is a struggle. Also stayed at working late on the floor yesterday about 100 to get a little work and then it felt like I can't hear Candice and I haven't been able to like hear her voice a long time cuz I was remembering stuff she used to say to me not big stuff just like stuff voice sounded like and I didn't make me sad but it didn't make me miss her and all this moments around like does she like me it's more obvious now giving everything that I know but it's just make me wish I would have known in in the moment I know it would have changed anything but I would have felt better to know what was happening and not be stuck confused my own fear kept me from being directed asking her. I did miss her but I do still want to be with her even though leaving the idea of God I mean it's a good fear it's not a bad one but right now at least fingers crossed.

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I just had a panic attack. I have to get out of this house.