what living looks like

On my way back to my house I'm on my way back to my house I went to the car place this morning and got my oil changed my air filter change new windshield wipers put on. And then I went over to the crochet shop to hang out with the girls. That was fun we talked about her meeting with Chris which went well like I knew it would. This is my part of me that like takes a little credit of that way even though I did not EX ecute I have planned next position s. I think that's also a new challenge to be a thing for me growing up. But it was fun and I was able to hang out with Nancy and it was such a good time and they invited me to their retreat next year and I definitely want to go sounds like a really good time to go to Arkansas with a bunch of women. And my car is making some weird noise that it was not making before I take it to the shop so real confused just a lot of things happening now f*** it is. Anyways I'm going to try to make do with what I have I was a little upset this m...

I've had substances.  I was gone say I'm struggling but Im not struggling-- I'm just thinking more about Candice. I'm seeing Mazdas everywhere, a few in her color.   This morning, I asked Maddy if she wanted to do a wine and movie place together this month and she said yes.  And Laura asked me to watch her plants this weekend and to hang out on Monday and I said yes. We may have to reschedule Monday because I'm hanging out with Kaylin but we haven't decided on a time.  I accepted Tori's birthday invite. I'm going to see Mia next week. I have brunch on Monday too.  I'm a little overwhelmed with joy AND because these are my gym friends, I think about Candice.  I miss her so much. I want to talk to her, I want to hear her laugh, I want to see her. I want to know what she smells like, what her hands feel like in mine, the texture of her hair, I want to lay my head in her lap.  I want her.  I want her.  ~ And I realized today that Candice got...

I'm a little annoyed this morning again and I want to cry a little bit too I had to stop and put air in my tires the front left tire is not holding here for some reason it just stopped on 18 and it should be double that in my tire and I am going to get it looked at and get an oil change this weekend but I'm just annoyed so I feel like why me. And I know that this happens to everybody like everybody has to maintain their car and do all the things and it just hit me this morning that I'm wondering if that's also related to trauma brain. I feel like minor inconveniences are my fault and I have brought them on myself from the universe and kind of way. And when I said that out loud to myself I was like oh that might be why I get like this whatever I have to do something to take care of my car by myself or something like that and I feel like the world is just against me because I know logically it's not but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way and that way doesn...

I literally just woke up.  It's not even 7 am.  ~ I can feel myself trying to panic. I'm on my way to work cuz I just had a sour candy I'm struggling okay. I'm struggling it's real sour. But I try to panic I know I should be talking about my feelings and stuff. Text me this morning I got another text to my sister for the garage was not working I had to pull it open and left it open and I was going to leave it like that but I looked in there and my Amazon packages still stacked against the wall so I had to go and pull it down which isn't a big deal I was just like I would rather have left it open so I didn't have to feel like I was caretaking. Speaking of which aware in the moment that I feel like I was. But also yesterday I thought she was going to be upset me for something cuz she was like weird when she came in and I was like oh no what has happened. Got to talk to myself like me getting in trouble for something I don't know about something...

I haven't done my Headspace Wake Up in almost over a week.  I woke up on time sorta so I did it this morning.  The little message it gave today was the same one Candice liked from my Stories last year: We can't always change what's happening around us, but we can change what happens within us.  ...trying really hard not to look to close at that. 

So my pooping has gotten better. I'm still not as regular as I used to be and it's still not producing as much as it should be I feel like. But we're getting there slowly but surely. And feel like this happened last night but I don't remember that's exactly right maybe the night before I'm pretty sure it was last night though. I had a dream that was out with a friend Andrea gave him to my window was trying to like talk or give me to do something and I politely decline and she wasn't it felt like a nightmare but it also just felt uncomfortable cuz it was like that wouldn't get her to go away but I can't remember what else happened in that dream. It was definitely last night because I didn't see she watching my story on Facebook I'm pretty sure was an accident cuz she immediately. But that's all I got really I feel like I'm in a weird mood I don't feel happy I don't feel sad I feel a little like almost irritated but also that ma...

I just woke up.  Did I masturbate to thoughts of Candice last night and this morning? Yes.  I get on Bumble and do a few swipes-- BAM! white woman, but blonde hair and blue eyes, named Candice and she's 38.  Fuuuuuuuck.  ~ AND one of the podcast girlies is engaged which just reminds me, it's only a matter of time before Candice is, if she isn't already.  ~ Maybe our ships were destined to pass in the night. 

I almost forgot!!   I think it was Thursday night and I had a nightmare about my mother.  I was about to get laid but I spent the dream running from my mother who was actively chasing me to keep me from having sex.  It was actually quite disturbing. 

Candice made me like 2 custom workouts. For free.  She implored me to come to the gym on my otf days so I'd basically be there every single day.  Brittany B invited me to a possible Labor Day Brunch so it got me thinking about Candice. Out of fear at first, because what if her and her girlfriend show up. But then...emotions. ~ Also I went to Jo Ann's for the first time ever. The cashier lady called me beautiful.  ~ But Candice blocked me soooo. I know Facebook was my request but Instagram was her doing. 

On my way to work. I got in my car and my air vents are working out of the front shout out. Open up my hood last night to see if I can see anything and nothing cuz I don't know what I'm looking at for the most part went to that so that didn't help but maybe not something when I closed it I don't know. That happened in the mood lately like my life is horrible as you know cuz you are my journal but I've also been trying to figure out like am I going to move where I should call my therapist or am I just in a mood and right now I think I'm just in the mood so I'm going to give it a minute and then if I'm still in a mood and I feel good just to make sure I'm good or if I'm not good what I should be focusing on so we're going to see. Highly recommend therapy if you can afford it even if you can afford like the cheapest version we're going to go to the women's clinic in your town or maybe the boys in club Girls Club may offer it or like they...

My neck is sore, my hands are sore from being stabbed, I just pooped and now I'm crying on the toilet.  She really ripped my heart out. Just casually ripped it out of my chest.  I've also decided I'm done talking about her with anyone that's not my therapists. Done.  What happened between us? Nothing  Why'd I quit the gym? Because  ~ I've been posting about this shit, sharing my side of things, defending her, crying off and on, dreaming of things working out.  And she just went back to her life as if nothing happened, nothing changed, none of that meant anything to her.  ~ She used me and then dropped me like a bad habit. And she proceeded to continue on with her life as if nothing phased her.  ~ Candice has already come up today, and from Andrea ironically. Apparently Facebook suggested my friends to her, Mia and Tori aaaaaaand Candice. I just added Mia and Tori as friends this week so I told her it may be that they went through my recent friends...

I DMd Candice on Messenger. At almost 3 am. I had to pee then I couldn't sleep and I just kept thinking about it. So, I said  "You may as well block me on here too. I don't want to watch you be happy with her" And now I'm gonna go to bed and wake up to being blocked. Hopefully.  ~ She hasn't blocked me. Is blocked me. Why don't you just block me. It's the least she can do after everything. And if not asking a lot cuz she already f****** did it on instagram. F*** those stupid it's all very stupid ~ It's end of day. I left work early to go to the doctor. I left the doctor on my way to go see Mia at the doctor. And I passed by the gym cuz that's where Matt f****** took me the map took me there. Of course Candice's car is just sitting there cuz her life is normal she gets to go back to everything she was doing before it's just throw me the f*** away so as I was passing by Christina carve this person who just threw me away and picked up ...

Today well I'm leaving volunteering right now. I'm going to be heading back to work to go get the job. To go do my job lol. And always get a little bit like I'm not nervous nervous to come and see everybody but I was going to leave a little bit in my head which is progress considering all the things that I usually go through in my entire body. Anyway, I went to go work and Dana was working today which was exciting cuz I love her. And very ended up being there too the girl from the dance one of the girls I met at the dance her name is Barry. B e r r y. So I was just sharing with her and she always seems nervous to be around me and I'm like I'm normal I'm fine it's okay. But she was like I love volunteering with you this is great you she come with me basically on the energy and like the way I am around people and I was like oh and then I turned off work. And then Dana I was chit-chatting to staying at about taking pictures in the garden this weekend and tell h...

 My mom told us when we were little that my uncle was coming out of jail and driving straight to our town to kill her. Around that same time, we were sitting in church on like a Wednesday and the police call my parents and we had to rush home because the money had broken into our house. And my parents didn't exactly protect us from like the reality of somebody bringing in them not being found and our stuff still being there so they say. So for years like I've been doing a graduate almost sometimes I would be afraid that somebody was living in the Attic because door to the attic was in my room. My mom would fuss at us for picking out dented cans.  When I found out from my mom that my dad was stealing from me, she asked me why I wasn't keeping track of how much I was paying him back. When I was in the 7th grade, I made friends with the older black boy at my table in art class. Everyone thought he was troubled and I use to think they were mislabeling him. One day he got pulled...

This happened yesterday and pissed me off.  Andrea got to witness that in real time. It lit me up inside. They were tag teaming me. As I'm trying to respond, messages were tumbling in. I was so mad I was shaking. And then Andrea said it makes her nervous because she does the boss's books. And I said she's not dumb, she's lying because she knows she can. She manipulates and takes advantage. And Candice blocked me. Idk if it was immediate but it probably was. I am shocked but also kind of don't know how to feel. But it is kind of what I wanted.  So... Oh well? Will I cry in my car on the way to the nail salon? Probably.  ~ I just know Candice will end up regretting this. It may not be soon but it will happen eventually.  And maybe she won't. I guess now I'm the problem. I have probably been inducted into the blame category for her and her girlfriend.  What's sooooo funny is she let me confess my feelings and didn't block me. But the second I truly real...