well (again)

I can't sleep. 

I just emailed Chris because I'm pretty sure I have grounds for harassment. 

They have been more harmful than helpful during this entire process. 

I was so happy and I felt like I was back to myself after Chris got involved to help me. Then I felt happy after being offered to terminate with a refund so I took it because they obviously are selling a product they don't have made ready or safe. Even if the fire extinguisher was the only issue, they couldn't even get that replaced within the day. 

They aren't even trying. They aren't trying to do their jobs. They're gaslighting me into believing I'm stupid, I'm wrong. And when we went over my list of triggers in therapy, they hit almost every single one within a span of 24 hours. 

I was literally hanging out with Andrea when a manager I've never heard of reached out to me from a number I've never seen. And pressured me to call her back in five minutes after lying about when I turned in my keys. I was in Hobby Lobby, excited about crocheting a bear to Jaycee's baby shower. I remember I have a missed call, check the voicemail thinking it's gonna be spam. 

But no. It's them. 

It lit me up inside. I felt trapped again, I felt uncertain, I was afraid. And I could feel the fear and worry physically in my body. My heart starting racing and my mood changed so fucking fast. 

I felt like I couldn't think straight, I started panicking because now I'm doubting myself, I'm frantically putting people on an email, I'm frantically responding back, trying to make sure I comb through their verbiage to catch them in any lies. 

It's a lot. It's a lot and I am trying. 

I really don't think people understand how their actions affect others. I'm fucking wore out over here. 

If they worked this hard at being honest and doing their fucking job the way they work at bullying, lying, and trying to pigeonhole me, they wouldn't be as terrible as they are. 

It's nerve wracking. I'm gonna try to get some sleep because I want to enjoy my Friday. 

But I do think I'm gonna take my therapist up on using those 15 minute consultations. 

I can feel myself ruminating and I never want to feel like I did Sunday ever again. I refused to let that happen. I'm gonna reach out for help sooner rather than later. 

I'm not gonna let them steal my joy and disrupt my peace when I've been nothing but nice to them. 

~

I am really trying to not let myself go back to the mental state I was in on Sunday.

I am right on the edge of my breaking point.

I feel like they're trying to push me off because they think I can't afford to keep paying an attorney. They are trying to bully me into submission.

The manager tried to withdraw my termination for cause and make me sign a release for less money and a non-disclosure clause.

Fuck no.

And I tried reaching out to Chris by I assume he's busy. That or he's probably watching me fight them off. 

I have done all I literally know to do and they keep lying to me or pushing me off or gaslighting me.

So Andrea's gonna reach out to one of her lawyers and ask him for help. 

And Patricia will be back in office Monday so I could ask her for help too.

I know what I'm doing but they are really making things hard on me. And I'm really tired. 

And to top it off, I woke up to Lyft notifications about Brea arriving safely and I'm like "why...why and what the fuck"

Then as I'm fighting them off at work, I get more Lyft notifications about Brea and I just about lashed out at her because I am getting it from all sides.

And I know she doesn't know what's happening with me and she's probably just doing it to her my attention or she honestly forgot I'm set in her app. 

But I am just over it. 

At one point, Andrea looked at me and paused and then said "I don't know what's happening but you are having a hard time from all different sides"

And I was like yes....yes I am. 

~

I went in and walked around Kirkland's for some time. And then Victoria's Secret. And then Bath and Body Works.

I'm trying to not shut down. I'm trying to not make harmful statements about myself.

I'm triggered. I'm dysregulated. I'm afraid. I'm uncertain. And I feel like I'm stuck. 

The money they're refusing to let go of is the money I need to move forward and find somewhere to live. 

And now I'm stuck. I don't have an apartment, I have a potential lawsuit, I have money tied up, I have them lying, manipulating, and passing me off. 

They are disregarding me, as a person and they are abusing their power and position.

And there's nothing I can do but wait. I really don't want to sue. I was really ready to just take my money and run. And now I'm being forced to hurry up and wait for them to fuck me around and not help me at all. 

~

I'm trying not to stress and I don't know that it's helping. I feel like I'm falling apart inside. 

I don't want to reach out to my therapist just yet either. I'm gonna give myself some time to be upset and titrate my emotions to hopefully help myself regulate. 

But I am honestly starting to feel numb about it all. Like I'm just their toy and they are just fucking me around until they don't want to anymore.

~

Here's me attempting to take care of myself. 

*Deep breath*

I'm gonna take a shower and take my time. I'm gonna wash my hair. 

I'm also gonna prep by having a little edible first. 

~

I did just take a break to Google my rights to review my situation. I know I have a case. Chris told me a have a case. But they are trying to intimidate me into giving up. And I do not have to sign a waiver or release for anything. 

And I'm not signing a non-disclosure for free. 

Now,

I'm gonna take care of myself the best way I know how given these circumstances and pray that Chris pulls through and or that Andrea's litigator wants my suit.