teen spirit and a little bit of angst

Candice wasn't crying about me Candice is crying all morning about her image she couldn't give a s*** about me

And why do I say that? Because coach Maddie was fired and he is very sweet and very nice and I understand he might not be perfect. But apparently he was dating a girl at the gym and things ended and then he was fired. And the girls do say he's a little different little strange. But she said somebody reached out to Libby and asked her what happened to coach Maddie and the Lord is that he wasn't performing well or like doing his job well so he got let go. 

Know about that I don't know about that. Because if he wasn't performing well I'd like the girls would have said that because he coaches at the gym and people would have noticed and they wouldn't be looking for him if he wasn't doing his job right unless we're just all missing something. That I quit the gym because Candice can't get fired because she owns the gym also find it funny that Libby cheated on her husband with another coach at the gym and many members quit because Libby's not going to get fired and bow didn't get fired he got put on leave and was still getting paid to work from home. 

This is another Mark in the Kansas is a shitshow column because what's the actual f***. 

And it made me really aggravated and mad last night to hear them talk about it because they were trying to figure out what happened to him because everybody likes him because he's so nice and it felt very reminiscent to everything else. So I was like I find that very ironic because Candice is the reason why I left because we got along great and then we didn't get along so I left. I just couldn't do it it was just too much and I didn't know I had to leave. 

It is the same song and dance except for she gets to decide what happens he will do what she wants them to do because it's her show we're all just characters in her f****** show and she's writing people on and writing people off and deciding what's what about what what narrative to push out there all the everything else she's f***** up and I know I'm not great but I don't think I would ever do that to somebody multiple people at that

~

Just left the apartment it's okay weeks of cigarettes smoke. I talked to the girl at the front desk and she's like well they could just be the neighbors and all this s*** no the f****** apartments smells like somebody smoked in and everything all day it stinks and I don't want to live there. 

I'm so f****** confused it's like I can't do anything right anymore the apartment smells like s*** I'm having to fight them I don't want to fight them I just want them to put me in a different f****** unit it stinks in there. 

I wanted to go for the first time ever I don't want to keep fighting his name bye I'm tired I was supposed to be moving stuff in today I'm listing all these issues and it was like f****** smoking there I can't people over again I can't see these f****** mouth I don't like my life right now and I keep trying to put my best foot forward I keep trying to do all these things the right way and it doesn't seem like anything matters so now I have emailed the lady to figure something out and I don't know it's going to be helpful but I really hope she is like I'm f****** trying it's like I'm being difficult because I have to stand up for myself what are you doing all of this 

I just want some money to help me I want you to actually work with me on getting things fixed and write it so I don't have to deal with all this s*** I was supposed to be a million today that's supposed to be starting my new life and doing all these things that I can't and it smells terrible in there f****** smoke or smokers apartment 

And now I'm crying again for I don't know the third or fourth time in the last couple of hours

Do you know I have people who have been helpful in like care about what happens to me and all the things with moving it's just feels like I mean

I just feel stupid and I'm really f****** trying to be hard on myself and like it's like a f****** idiot I feel like I can't do anything right

I feel like I can't do anything right good decision trying to be nice to people and I'm trying to fix the right way to be a f****** okay okay I feel like I'm being bullied I feel like a big question shoved around not being out I feel like I'm not doing anything trying to pull my stuff

 together struggling

Oh stupid and I feel like my issues are not important change the feeling I'm supposed to do like I can't take care of their being mean to me on purpose I'm literally just trying to survive just don't want to be and I current situation isn't this supposed to be better it's supposed to be okay I just don't feel terrible? From the furnace and into the fire I just want to be okay I just want to be in a better situation and I don't want to live like this 

I just feel like an idiot?

Feel like I'm feeling alive I don't want to try to do is the right thing and be good and being nice and I don't want to be a b**** and I don't want to ask for Chris to be my lawyer I don't want it all night with these f****** people 

I made a mistake I feel like I made a mistake he's making s*** A decisions I'm going to try to make the best of it I'm really trying 

Scared but excited to be doing all of this and now I just don't know myself

And I can reach out to for help I don't know stupid I have all this stuff in my car because I was supposed to be moving

~

Wasted time I feel like I'm full of mistakes and wasted time and inability to get things right and do by myself. So I sent the manager another email with some more language you try to get things fixed sooner than later. I've been texting Andrea and she's making me feel a little bit better about us to feel small and I'm looking down every so often because I'm doing this voice to text while I drive and nothing looks right like it's all a bunch of crying gibberish and some of the sentences don't make sense trying to call myself down and like I don't even remember I could check on this drive home supposed to be getting my life together it feels like it's falling apart and figure things out I just don't like this at all

It's going to go lay down I just want to take a shower and go lay down I'm just not doing anything for the rest of the day so new it's not a good news f*** you new

~

I hate myself.

I hate not knowing, I hate being stupid, I hate being fucked over, I hate so much stuff.

I want to give up. Maybe I should spend the rest of my life in isolation, not trying.

How am I supposed to invite people over and my fucking apartment smells shitty.

~

I just booked an appointment to see my therapist because I'm obviously not ok.

~

I do not know if I can do this. 

I do not know if I can handle this. 

I'm moving from one place I don't want to be into another place I don't really want to be. 

And I'm supposed to be happy about that?

~

I'm gonna just let my emotions go. 

I hate this. 

I hate my life. I hate my mother. I hate my family. I hate my childhood. I hate the way I look. I hate that I can't control anything. I hate that I can't seem to get my life to be good. I hate how much I put into things to get nothing in return. I hate that I stress about the things that don't matter and don't stress about things that should. I hate that I trusted Andrea's judgement on this apartment. I hate that I have to fight under decent living conditions. 

~

What's the point? What's the point in trying or fighting or speaking up for myself?

Why do it if nothing changes and it doesn't fucking matter?

I feel like an idiot fighting a fight that doesn't fucking matter because nobody fucking cares. 

~

I hate the bitches at the apartment complex and hope the all get fired. They're useless and inconsiderate and they are not helpful because all they do is half ass their jobs to exert power over people just wanting to in suitable housing because their own life is shit and this is the only control they have to make them feel like somebody. 

I hope they fuck off forever and are replaced by other people who actually try and consider the fact that this is where people lay their fucking heads. 

And I gave up on trying the salvage my day and just got in bed and I can't fucking sleep because I am no longer excited about moving in.

I made yet another emotional decision and I feel like shit about it right now.

I hate myself because I did this. I did all of this.

All of this was my choice and it's all my fault. 

And now I'm stuck. I'm fucked with no way out and I've been praying about it but nothing is changing....ok this one girl has been more helpful but still not helpful enough. 

I just want what I want and even saying that makes me feel like I'm a big fat ugly bitch who doesn't deserve to be happy. 

And I am TRYING. I AM FUCKING TRYING TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE BUT WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?! FUCKING WHERE IS IT?

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE?!

I can't sleep. I want to punch my dog because she won't cuddle the way I want her too. I want to punch myself for ruining my life.

And I know I've just traded one year with one turd for one year with another but FUCK ME this isn't what I wanted, this isn't what I had in mind. 

~

I went to reddit and read some first apartment stories and I feel a little better.

I did rush into this apartment because my current living situation is not good for me.

And even though I do not like where I'm going it, I think it may be worth the trade off. 

Maybe. That maybe is the only reason I'm trying.

But I still feel like I'm trading shit for shit. Maybe I should've went with the apartment in Arlington. At least those people felt more genuine.

But it still wouldn't have been what I wanted.

I'm gonna have to shine this fucking turd and deal with the fucking bitches in this fucking office until they get the fuck out. 

I hope they know, as soon as this building is completely gentrified, they will be out of a job because they will not fit the new aesthetic. 

They are regular people off the street. People I would probably hang out with honestly, but not people an apartment complex that's working to be more upscale would keep on the payroll. It's only a matter of time and I hope karma bites them in the ass for fucking me over.