more on the latter

I am watching the Stolen Youth cult doc about Sarah Lawrence and high and I just got a glimpse of what the inside of my childhood home looked like.

This girl, Felicia was talking about her childhood and then she stopped herself and was like "oh, that's Larry brain* and I was like "oh! I get that, that's her trauma brain"

And I immediately resonated with that feeling and then started thinking about my childhood and what may or may not have been real.

I was working on my comfort softie and then I saw a glimpse of our kitchen cabinets, and the little rounded edge of our little kitchen island...

I haven't remembered any of that ever. In years.

Also, we were poor. I am pretty certain of it now. I used to wonder but now I know. I'm almost certain.

There were things like the hot water not working so we'd have to boil water to take baths. But you'd have to fill the tub up a little with cold water and then dump it the boiling water in so it's the right temperature. 

We were poor, ohmygah.

We were children doing that. My parents didn't even have the decency to just give us lie that was a least more fun for us. Like "mommas gonna run baths for everyone tonight. there's bubbles and" etc etc

And now I'm like "does that sound creepy, which one was worse"

And now that I know that I'm like these memories are becoming more and more impactful as far as tugging on my emotions and bringing me back to a place instantly, where I don't wanna be. 

What if my dad did something to me as a kid? I've often wondered because my mom used to tell us about what not to wear around the house and she taught us about our "no,no zones" but I'm almost positive that was after I'd started masturbating in kindergarten. 

.....all fucked up things, mind you. 

Imma need that service animal. 

~

Got a glimpse of SkateTown from back home, there were like 2 shelves under the one island-lip thing in our kitchen, I think my dad did physically abuse my older sister in front of me once after I told on her, I got a glimpse at our living room and how dark the rhw decor was in such a small space. Now I'm remembering the TV unit we had. And this little metal, dancing figure skater on a string with a black base, the hallway and how short it actually was.

Fuck. 

~

Also saw the inside of my elementary school. Stairs, hallways, classrooms, bathroom. 

The old Kinko's, the Barnhills, the old blockbusters. 

~

I came 4 times and now I'm remembering how the Toys R Us used to look and be laid out.