loss and recovery

But I'm currently in my car leaving IHOP from hanging out with the girls from the gym and I'm already crying because I'm so happy but also so sad people's parking lot before I start ugly crying fully so I can actually see and get on the road. We went out to the bar which is a whole lot of fun and I was so happy to see everybody and I've been really nervous all like the past two weeks because I was telling Caitlin and passing what was going to happen and she was like well I think that might be a gym hang out you might want to check and see because Candice might be there would you do concern me but I really didn't know what to do about that it just freaked me out cuz I never even imagined that it would be the thing so I just put in the back of my mind for later 

And so I have been nervous and answering getting kind of excited cuz it's like maybe she's doing this to like fix things and I was also telling myself that well she wanted to fix things she has my number I just feel like an idiot I just really feel like I f****** idiot cuz I lost so much because of her car makes me feel like an idiot the person I like it shouldn't make me feel like it's such a feel special and like want it I appreciate it and respect it 

Moving out the movie house like I cannot get a graspoon my life I took everything slipping away from me and I'm trying really f*** ing deal and do all this f****** difficult 

I'm fully crying so everything is a mess with this voice to text is not going to be good but I'm seeing all these people and they're like oh my God I miss you I miss you so much because of Kansas she could not give a s*** that's not care well I got so mad tonight I want to coach just got a fire and he was dating somebody at the gym and everybody was making excuses because they don't know everything and they were like loving to break up was just bad and like he was posting stuff about her and you can tell us about her like he was a coaching owner stop thinking about her and wanting things to working what it needs to be fixed is not going to be f****** fixed she's not my person is not going to work it's never happening it's never happening she doesn't want to be with me that is not the case I am out of sight out of mind she could not give two bucks about me never even open my f****** message she probably never read my f****** email her f****** girlfriend reached out to me she lied to me she lied about me she does not give a s*** but I do and I'm stuck in this f****** hell hole and people not care I'm so f****** mad ness I just went in the army I'm going to f****** try 

I feel like I've been there with the worst mood for months if I can been pissing with people who don't deserve it up and pissing with people who do deserve it I feel like I'm stuck in a rat and I can't get out I don't know what I'm doing I don't want bad things to happen to me but I'm expecting to happen and I feel safer when they do it just feel like a f****** mess and I'm trying matter it feels like nothing f****** matters I don't know what the f*** I'm doing anymore I feel like I can't get it right I can't f****** try it there's nothing better nobody cares nobody gives her s*** I just want to be happy I'm so sorry 

I shouldn't be leaving a barber making out with my friend and having to cry in my f****** car on the way home I should be happy weddingI feel like I don't know who I am sometimes I don't know what I'm doing I don't know whatever they're supposed to do painlessly I'm able to just going through the mountains and nothing works nothing seems to f****** work and I'm just supposed to be happy and I'm happy and I'm not doing anything 

I did have fun it was so nice seeing people but I am happy I'm just so mad I'm so upset! You shouldn't have to not be able to go to my gym and shoot me over there she's so very important person in my life and she is very important s*** in my life all she did was f****** over and move on as if nothing ever f****** happened cuz she does not care about me she doesn't give a s*** doesn't give a s*** about how I feel and how things affect me she doesn't give a f*** yeah here I am f****** crying hoping to see her hoping these are going to be fixed and people are just forgetting her everything's fine when you know Candice drive and she doesn't she doesn't f****** do anything she doesn't deserve any f****** credit I'm trying people being nice about it she's a f****** menace she's a f****** menace I hate myselfwhen is it over when does it end when is she not a factor what did I not have to think what can I forget about her and don't worry my brain I don't understand it's like a big f***** around but the universe I feel like my life is on your first don't know what happened to me for this I should have to do this I trusted to help me f****** over and love me doing all this s*** cuz she's not taking responsibility for anything that was never going to be vacation she's not the person I thought she was I don't want to get one of my head my mother is not the person I thought she was either way Google I can't trust people look I can't trust your phone now what's happening cancel even the hardest year in my life ever I hate this I don't like it I've done all this works like nothing f****** matter it doesn't matter how hard I tried it doesn't matter how much are friends what I do can I have had good things happen to me I know that but I feel sad more upset before I feel scared more I feel unsure more I feel angry or I feel lost more and hurting a lot and I don't know where to put this feeling I hate her so much I hate her I hate her when she did to me asleep she is a f****** villain I'll let that feeling into my life thinking I could actually trust her in a f****** can't I'm just lost mental health stupid 

Started putting an effort that's unmatched I'm tired of all this s*** turning navigating 

F****** 29 in my life is falling apart every time I try to slap something back together falls apart on the other side it's a f****** Jacob she's so f****** hard I do everything is not working spot I'm going around in circles out of this to run so f****** don't trust my better anymore I don't trust people anymore and that decisions in their judgment it's like my temper is shorter looks like I'm not taking good care of myself I don't f****** know I shouldn't be crying in my car 

Don't work so hard to build my life last year but too much effort in time to everything it is just how it is s*** I keep getting out that I keep showing up and I keep trying and I feel all this all that matters like it doesn't f****** minute oh nothing is going to change the same dance over it over again like I don't know myself it's like I can't trust men I don't know I don't know if any of this is right don't know I'm going to be okay really alone hard years and years of my life and isolation let us around people in a certain point I didn't want to be around them and where else do not go if I can't go anywhere up to myself hitting me really f****** hard how s*** in my life has been the moment I thought things were going better 

Cutest baby feel like an idiot she made me feel like I was crazy stabbed me in the f****** back you feel like that's how my life just goes

Sorry to calm down a little bit it's 3:00 a.m. on the f****** Saturday will today's Sunday technically and have a ugly crying in my car about a girl haven't seen in months to me it doesn't give me a f****** sadder than that you have to rejections ooh there's still a small part of me that helps even after all this and stupid crying and all these feelings and knowing all that stuff is just helping him maybe Sunday is a workout I don't know how to convince myself that they just won't they won't and there's nothing I can f****** do about that but everything was going to work out and we know each other so well and everything's fine it's going to be perfect light on and I don't f****** snapshot it doesn't f****** matter it's a s*** and I have never ever ever felt so stuck in this negative I have to get out cuz I don't it just keeps coming out in other ways I'm not happy about that so I feel like I'm not myself that's a part of me I got don't know who that I've never been so negative so long it does so much work so much I don't know which part of me is doing the most work I don't know if any part of me is really working I think every single part of me just go to vacation and I'm just left to deal with all this s*** I've never really faced and I've never really had to deal with I don't know what the f*** to do it is so hard I don't know I'm like grassing an air trying to get my life together I can't do anything right nothing changes I'm right back here in this s*** hole I don't know what the f*** I'm doing I feel like this I don't want to be I don't want to feel better I don't want to feel like s*** don't f****** know I don't know my body to move forward another law of Attraction and all this stuff and I'm f****** trying so hard but I'm such a long time to feel so f****** s***** I feel like there's more and authentic people in this world and there are people who are willing to myself that's why you didn't sucks for because I feel like I can't just leave it and then all these days everything will be fine I'm ever going to be happy I was happy so happy and she did get on my nerves at a certain point it was irritated and it didn't make me happy and I am now you have to go to this apartment tomorrow I don't know how to move all my stuff I don't know I don't know what the f*** I'm doing I don't know what I'm doing that's like I know I have a help 

I don't know what I'm doing and don't feel like I can test myself I'm trying to lean in I'm trying to accept time to let myself feel and be and do it like a fat idiot I'm fat ugly and attractive idiot who's just stupid and can't do anything right don't know how to get out of that I know it's just how I feel right now but it is how I feel right now and it feels real feels really real and I don't know if I'm going to be able to pull it together I don't want to be his house next weekend I want to be in my apartment with my dog with my stuff I don't want to keep driving this drive I need help everything hasn't been s*** meaning