what living looks like

I can't sleep.  I just emailed Chris because I'm pretty sure I have grounds for harassment.  They have been more harmful than helpful during this entire process.  I was so happy and I felt like I was back to myself after Chris got involved to help me. Then I felt happy after being offered to terminate with a refund so I took it because they obviously are selling a product they don't have made ready or safe. Even if the fire extinguisher was the only issue, they couldn't even get that replaced within the day.  They aren't even trying. They aren't trying to do their jobs. They're gaslighting me into believing I'm stupid, I'm wrong. And when we went over my list of triggers in therapy, they hit almost every single one within a span of 24 hours.  I was literally hanging out with Andrea when a manager I've never heard of reached out to me from a number I've never seen. And pressured me to call her back in five minutes after lying about when I turn...

I woke up at 1 am and was irritated immediately.  I went to sleep early to avoid feeling my feelings and thinking about this shitty apartment situation.  So I finally got access to the portal granted literally at midnight. So I signed up and signed in. Then I started investigating my rights as a Tenant and that made me feel better. The law is very clear and concise, so as long as I follow it to the letter, I'll be within my rights to seek legal representation, from justice of the peace to reaching out to my friends and coworkers for help.  And then I went to go pee.  I was still seething about the apartment, washed my hands, looked in the mirror and my eyes are swollen. Not like crying and puffy swollen. Crusty swollen. Like one is sore and almost shut. I literally gasped at my reflection. And then I tried cleaning it up. And my nose had been stopped up, but I didn't think twice about it. I just thought maybe I'm congested. I don't know.  But then I googled to s...

Candice wasn't crying about me Candice is crying all morning about her image she couldn't give a s*** about me And why do I say that? Because coach Maddie was fired and he is very sweet and very nice and I understand he might not be perfect. But apparently he was dating a girl at the gym and things ended and then he was fired. And the girls do say he's a little different little strange. But she said somebody reached out to Libby and asked her what happened to coach Maddie and the Lord is that he wasn't performing well or like doing his job well so he got let go.  Know about that I don't know about that. Because if he wasn't performing well I'd like the girls would have said that because he coaches at the gym and people would have noticed and they wouldn't be looking for him if he wasn't doing his job right unless we're just all missing something. That I quit the gym because Candice can't get fired because she owns the gym also find it funny t...

But I'm currently in my car leaving IHOP from hanging out with the girls from the gym and I'm already crying because I'm so happy but also so sad people's parking lot before I start ugly crying fully so I can actually see and get on the road. We went out to the bar which is a whole lot of fun and I was so happy to see everybody and I've been really nervous all like the past two weeks because I was telling Caitlin and passing what was going to happen and she was like well I think that might be a gym hang out you might want to check and see because Candice might be there would you do concern me but I really didn't know what to do about that it just freaked me out cuz I never even imagined that it would be the thing so I just put in the back of my mind for later  And so I have been nervous and answering getting kind of excited cuz it's like maybe she's doing this to like fix things and I was also telling myself that well she wanted to fix things she has my ...

Because moving into this apartment has been stressing my out because I feel doom and gloom about telling my family, working with the lady in the office who's been very dismissive,l and I'm trying to not be argumentative, and I'm fearful of what's to come for me mentally being out of my house, my therapist suggested I turn my "conflict list" into a "comfort list" just like Andrea and me talked about.  So (fuck), here we go  I get to decorate my own place. I get to choose to be my full self and express that through the colors and vibes that bring me the most joy. I get to invite friends into my space, an entire space that is me. I can come home and feel happy, loved, safe, free.  I won't have to be in fight or flight all the time.  I can let my hair down. I can sit on my couch and take naps.  I can be myself, freely and without familial judgement.  I can sleep in a bit more now that I'm closer to work.  I'll be really close to Old Navy and ...

This is not easy.  None of this is easy.  I didn't think it would be but it's just hard. 

I don't feel like myself. This has been an emotionally draining week. I think my lows have felt hopeless and my highs have made me so happy. But the in-betweens are just empty valleys. I don't feel ok, mentally and physically sometimes. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm paranoid, I have been edging dissociation, my face feels tired, I'm motivated but out of obligation. It hasn't stopped me from trying, moving forward, making connections. But it has been making me second guess my reality. Do people really like me or do they feel sorry for me? I don't know if I trust myself fully right now. Like I do, but I sometimes feel like I'm just throwing shit at a wall to see what sticks.  My edibles did just kick in so that helps. I feel like my body is calming down. I have been physically wound up almost every day this week.  I had to make my muscles relax sitting down before the concert yesterday. 

I also saw the inside of Strauss Theater back home, both sides (the fancy and the regular). And I evaded 2 panic attacks while driving because I'm scared my car is going to just stop working, or cost too much to fix, or something bad.  And I want to cry and I did a little but it just feels trapped. ~ I did end up crying for a little bit. Not nearly as ugly as I thought it'd be.  I just feel ill equipped, uncertain, worried, unsure and scared.  And I feel like a big fat fatty because I haven't worked out in a month, I have no fitness routine, it's fucking too hot to run.  Fuck, man.  ~ I just got an Instagram notification of Kaylin liking my message and Jennifer emailed me a calendar invite for volunteering. Those little things help me when I feel like shit. 

I am watching the Stolen Youth cult doc about Sarah Lawrence and high and I just got a glimpse of what the inside of my childhood home looked like. This girl, Felicia was talking about her childhood and then she stopped herself and was like "oh, that's Larry brain* and I was like "oh! I get that, that's her trauma brain" And I immediately resonated with that feeling and then started thinking about my childhood and what may or may not have been real. I was working on my comfort softie and then I saw a glimpse of our kitchen cabinets, and the little rounded edge of our little kitchen island... I haven't remembered any of that ever. In years . Also, we were poor. I am pretty certain of it now. I used to wonder but now I know. I'm almost certain. There were things like the hot water not working so we'd have to boil water to take baths. But you'd have to fill the tub up a little with cold water and then dump it the boiling water in so it's the righ...

I want a service dog or some kind of psyche trained dog. I keep getting glimpses of memories from my childhood that come back to me.  They're there just as fast as they're gone and they hit me with a really quick emotion and that's it.  (Also, high lol) But I'm serious.   ~ Ok. I've decided to explain: I bit into my Great American Double Doozie cookie and my thoughts said: Remember when you were little and when you walked by Great American Cookies and always wanted one and your mom would tell you no because you couldn't afford it???? That's probably why you like eating them now when you get sad BITCH! Why the fuck would my mind do that while I'm trying to enjoy my fucking cookie lol Also, in case I'm still yarning it up in the future, Lynette gave me some store stash yarn AND her old yarn spindle today so I can make my yarn balls! (Which, by the way, I did by by hand thanks to Google on Friday.) She saw my Instagram struggle and then success and she ...

P I am leaving Dallas on my way to our old house to go get a package at accidentally went there from target. I went to Dallas to go visitory cuz she's moving back home before she moves away to Colorado and got my first parking ticket.  And even though I can't afford the parking ticket. That's not what I mean I'm doing voice to text while I drive back home. Even though I can afford the parking ticket, I decided to contest it. I'm used to just rolling over and paying it just because and calling a day cuz I don't want to start a fight and do anything. But that's going to change because there's no indication that I shouldn't have parked where I parked even though there was a fire hydrant there I did not see. Usually when there's a fire hydrant somewhere there is no parking near and there's a red line on the ground saying don't park here and there's also signage that will say don't park there. Then no parking in the red line or always ...

I took an edible a few minutes ago so it hasn't kicked in yet. BUT Libby posted gym photos from their recent event and Candice was in two of them, looking normal ans happy and like she didn't take a whopping shit on my chest without a word on her way out. And at first I liked the post. And then I unliked it. And then I muted Libby. And then I just decided to unfollow her. Her life is gym and I don't want to see that every time she posts something. It's why muted her Stories.  But seeing Candice rehurt my feelings so that's not great. I knew she'd be in the photos but I didn't know what my reaction would be to seeing her.  Me no like it.  ~ Sooooo I'm gonna wash my body and change the channel.