walk the two way streets

Okay I've had a day it was good I did have a lot of intrusive thoughts about Candice and like oh my God what is she doing oh my God what's happening oh my God you got to get it. Also think it was because I had to go make deposits today and part of my routine is making deposits and it's driving by the gym and I don't want to change that routine cuz it's my routine but I also know I probably do need to change it cuz I told you my therapist about it cuz the triggers me feel a type of way when I go past there I get all my anger and sadness and wanting to cry and stuff and I'll pass by. 

P so I didn't pass by on the way they're almost there but traffic was bad so I decided to go another way and I did pass back on the way back it wasn't terrible I also thought about it the thing that I don't want the thing that makes me feel that way to see her car there that's usually good thing that makes me nervous when I go to the gym was seeing her car and she's not there her guess cuz she's not the trip maybe I don't f****** know. 

But here's another reason I think Candice is lying about the gym thing which I'll conjecture it could be that she's been telling the truth and it's just f****** sucks but for my experience of the things that I know and things Andrew talked about I don't think that's the case. What I think is the case is no longer even her least going up in her renewing like that. Which would be a dumb lie to tell if anybody didn't know the landlord it'd be pretty outrageous. 

But I just canceled my first lease at work for about offices we close and you have to give 30-day notice. And Candice posted that video on like the last day of May basically and said she had until next month to figure out what to do. 

It is my belief that she put in a 30-day notice to cancel her lease at that facility. Because if her girlfriend was being honest about Candice wanting to quit the gym after what happened with us then that would explain the 30-day decision she has to make supposedly. 

P which makes me glad that I reached out to her because I don't want her to f****** do that and it's not me trying to take care of it for her cuz I could have sent her a bunch of stuff and ask people about it and then all these things I'm just like you can't quit the f****** gym unless it's actually what you want to do because it's your decision it's not being made by you emotionally and not wanting to deal with all the things that happen between us was also outrageous and gaslighting me. 

So I think she might have put in notice to cancel that list and she might be closing the gym which is scary and I really hope I'm wrong. I really f****** do.

Oh! And I probably need the time with the title means for today because I made it yesterday after I left the crochet place. It's basically the whole I can hold the two ideas in my hand of I do really like Candice but I don't like her like this she's not good for me the way she is being to me right now. Or was being to me I don't f****** know. 

So telling Tatum that this morning cuz we kind of had talked to me was telling me and she was upset with her mom and think that she was doing I was telling her how Mama I'm done similar things like that and how I treated it how I think about it now that I'm kind of like more understanding of my situation and accepting of what is and what is not with her. And I brought up the thing with Candice cuz she was like she does anything I do it's very hard to live in a gray when you're very black and white thank you and you're either done with people or you really like people so you find yourself in the middle it's really f****** hard to break that habit of you're either good or your bad. and I was telling her the way I have dealt with it with Candice is the first situation where I've been in but I'm like I don't hate her and I do like her and I don't think she's good for me so what do I do with that what kind of person does that make her. And the whole thing is judgment I don't have to judge her it's not my place and it only makes things more complicated for me in the end. 

And it's also not fair to her. And that's also part of radical acceptance. 

So I was telling her I came to the conclusion finally yesterday that I am allowed to like Candice but also know that she isn't good for me and that's the part of being flexible that I don't think I realized until yesterday. I don't have to write her off I don't have to be done with her I don't have to hate her guts but I can also put space between us because I know that's what's best even though it's not really what I want I know it's what's best for both of us. 

And the whole two-way street of it all is I'm not going to continue walking down a two-way street to somebody who's just standing on the other side waiting for me if it's a two-way street b**** you going to have to meet me halfway I meet you there's no reason traffic can't come like it's made for traffic coming two ways I'm not going to be the only one going and you standing there not doing s*** I'm going to try to figure it out. 

And that's what you mean by life is a two-way street, by life is a not life LOL relationships are a two-way street give and take you know what I mean. Basically I'm not doing this by myself I'm not going to be the only one put it in effort I'm not going to be the only one trying I'm not going to be the only one working meet me halfway if you can't meet me halfway that's fine I need you to do something to show me that the extra I give you is actually worth it because you're going to give me all that you have if all you have is 25 and I got to do that 75 and I might help you walk it up to 50 we could do that that's fine I want you to show realistic effort though Candice hasn't done that so that's why I had to let that go I'm not closing that street the street is still open there's just limited access cuz she wants to stand there I'm already standing in the middle of the road for both of us and she doesn't want to budge so I'm going to leave her where she's at I can't do that.

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Currently high.

Candice did everything she could to keep that gym when the other owners left.

She did whatever she did to keep her girlfriend after what I confessed. 

And she did nothing to keep me.

That fucking hurts. It sucks. 

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I watched her Story. Fuck it lol.

I can't keep Following and Unfollowing her, but I can do this whenever I want to... unless she figures out she can mute her Stories or she finally blocks me.