still not happy

I woke up still upset today. 

I finally fell asleep at some point last night. I ruined my underwear, my shorts, and my sheets. 

I woke up to my family being loud as if I'm not asleep. 

And I'm still mad at Candice.

She never wanted to help me. She wanted to help herself to me. And I've been defending her to people and meanwhile she's off with her girlfriend as if nothing ever happened between us. 

What we had was unimportant, not special-- nothing. 

Apparently it was just her doing her job. 

~

Turns out, still depressed. 

My family has literally been planning life without me. They asked for my two cents and completely disregarded them. But then I'm being ungrateful, problematic, and unreasonable for asking the questions that deserve honest answers. 

Candice has just been dragging me along with her by my heart strings. The moment I stopped wanting to be her friend, she decides to double down on pursuing me even though I told her I liked her. I was just a shiny new toy to keep her distracted from her life. 

~

This is the worst I have ever felt in my life. 

She couldn't even do my the decency of opening my fucking message. 

I have no gym, no prospects, it's like pulling teeth to see my friends now, my intimacy issues are more layered than ever and I feel so royally fucked. 

She fucked with my head, fucked up my heart and then she decides to just fall back into her life as is nothing happened. And she publicly lied to me and about us for the sake of a relationship she's not even happy in. 

But what else is new?

~

Andrea came back and she brought me a pin because it had my name on it.

I immediately started crying and jokingly told her to go away. 

~

I'm still sad but not as sad. 

They had interns run the volunteering today and I only knew one of them. One of the new girls complimented my outfit and then said they should've gotten dressed up too. And that made me feel a little sad. I know she was complimenting me but it brought me back to why I don't like being center of attention. It's hard to trust that it's genuine and I'm not being picked at. 

And one of the old men called me beautiful and that was sweet. And I immediately thought "well tell that to Candice"

And then another one was flirty with me. 

So that made me feel a little better but I also started feeling like I was dressed inappropriately because why else would I be getting attention.

...my family has done a number on me.