one [year anniversary] & done

I'm high. 

The gym's event is coming up and I've been reminiscing.

Last summer was the one Candice looked at me and the world disappeared.

Then Andrea wanted to know where I was with her. 

I followed her today and watched her Story twice because I was reminiscing. 

I just went to her page to see if she posted another Story....she removed me as a follower.

Well, I guess that's that. 

Here I was romanticizing yet again. If I unblock her, she'll have a way to reach out to me if something changes. If I follow her, she'll know I unblocked her. Maybe if she sees Mia's baby shower pictures and I'm in it, she'll remember that she likes me. If I watch her Story, yadda yadda whatever.

She removed me as a Follower.

I'll take that as a confirmation for how she feels about me. Which sucks, ouch. But is fair, I guess?

Idk. Not my call to make.

And I guess this was her way of being loud and clear. She wants nothing to do with me.

Well.

Maybe I was wrong this whole time.

~

But why would she have cried all morning?... Did she cry all morning?

Either way, I guess she's over me.

And I guess I should move on.

~

So this is rejection?

I thought I'd be more upset. 

And I probably would be if I wasn't already depressed and upset about my family dynamic right now.

I feel like I'm already at rock bottom emotionally and there's no where else to go. I'm just here for right now, looking around, taking up space.

And now, as my life goes down shit mountain, I get rejected. 

An "ewww, get away from me"

She couldn't even just block me? Am I that much of a bother? Does this make me crazy, to her? Did I just get carried away with reading into things with her?

She doesn't want me. That's really clear to me now.

And I feel upset but it's almost like a relief.

Because I just kept thinking, what if, what if, what if. And now I know, she doesn't want to know what if.

She doesn't want me. She doesn't even want me to follow her but she also won't just block me and call it a day.

Well, maybe it is me. Maybe I am the crazy girl who fell for her because I was reading too much into things.

(Entering sarcasm)

Because aaaaaall coaches reach out to their members at Christmas to check on them even though they know they have two therapists.

Because it's not like I didn't-- I don't know, confess my feelings in order to better enforce my boundaries so I don't get confused but then I start getting more attention, more compliments.

I could go on.

I was a fad and that's that. A distraction that went to far. Maybe she just wanted to entertain the cute girl that had a crush on her.

And now I'm officially rejected.

She literally got rid of me. Great.

Great. 

~

Me lol?

This is the first time something like this has ever happened to me and I know it's just Instagram and I know I have followed her several times, messaged her 3 times, blocked her over and over...

And to think a part of me really was holding out hope that maybe while I get my together, she will too. It would be like a little movie montage -- her breaking up with her girlfriend, me moving out, her coaching, me working at my job, her finding a therapist, me moving into my apartment. And snippet after snippet of our lives evolving until one day our paths cross again. 

Romantic, right?

I guess I did all of this wrong. 

~

Maybe someone will love in spite of me feeling like my heart belongs to someone else. 

Maybe I don't actually love her. Maybe I just think I do.

Maybe a lot of things. 

~

I've never felt so inadequate. 

No explanation. I know why I feel this way. I'm not gonna do myself the disservice of typing it out to remind myself.

May my hot girl summer begin, I guess. 

~

I'm almost 30 and I'm secretly masturbating in my mother's house, the one she got by taking advantage of me and then lying about it. I pull my hair out when I'm stressed, I've never been truly kissed and I've never even had sex. 

Of course she is over me. I was a shiny toy. 

A stupid, shiny toy. 

~

I will say, I just squirted so much it seemed through my shorts, my sheets, and onto my mattress topper. I had to immediately get up to clean. Now I know why people put towels down.