new unwanted start #2

I am feeling sad mad confused frustrated really sad really upset a little too strong a little dishearten very unsure very confused very afraid and filled with doubt real with guilt and all these other emotions. 

This weekend is the weekend we start moving out of this house into the new house and I didn't want it's bringing up all these feelings from when all that's trying to happening not having a good time. So I woke up and I started looking for places to move into sooner or later. Which upset me again because I don't know if I could afford these places. People are telling me I can but I don't feel like I can I don't feel like I can take care of myself and I know I can take care of myself just don't know what that looks like very upsetting so now I'm crying in my car and not even 5 minutes from my house. And I looked at my lease to see what happens if I decide to break it if I'm reading it correctly it looks like it's month to month for the next year I'm guessing I'm trying to figure out what to do. 

I know I don't have to do anything right this second I know things can change tomorrow shoot it I feel like it bringing up and those emotions from Candice cuz I felt like I had to leave the gym before I was ready to do that I didn't want to be looking for the news a new safe space. 

I found the gym home and I was happy and I feel like I had to leave I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I found he's in that situation at home and I for sure I feel like I don't have it I just don't understand. I get logically I have a choice and I made choices in all these decisions when it feels like I have no control over what happens to me. I'm assuming that some, because our logic brain knows these things but I'm very emotional right now and I can't hold on to them long enough to make sense of anything. 

So before I became emotional I did have it in me to look up some places with little rent and I feel like I can afford even if it's a hole in the wall I may start looking for a roommate or from my looking for a roommate in my budget. 

I didn't want to leave my gym I didn't want to have a moment to this house I'm doing all these things I don't want to do cuz I don't feel like I have for better option at the time that makes sense and it's feasible. I don't feel like Candice that does not care which hurts even more. I feel like my mom and my sisters don't care which hurts even more. Because people have thought I could trust have left me to fit for myself in a sense and person I felt like I could trust betrayed me with no better way to put it. I just can't I know I'm making sense but I also feel like I don't have a right to say anything that I'm saying and I know that I do because it's no experience and it's not truth and it's how I feel and I'm really just regulator right now my emotions are really high and I don't I just need to I know I don't have to do anything right now. 

All I have to do right now is look at breakfast and go to work I can't stop it's not that I can't stop crying it's at the tears just keep coming. I don't want to be doing any of this I don't know if I can find a new gym I don't know if I can find another place to live. If I find out other place to live I think I have to give up that's really hard and I crossed it and I don't want to stop doing it at no ah it's important to me I don't care how not important is the other people I don't care how other people might see it it's important to me that I'm not ready to stop I don't want to stop but I feel like I have no other choice but to do that but now I'm trying to figure out what life looks like for me and I don't know and that is so f****** terrified. 

I'm trying to just come to terms with the fact that this is going to be upsetting for me and there's nothing I can do to change that it's just where I am right now.

~

I'm a mess right now.

I also decided to do me the unkindness of looking at Candice's response to my review again. 

In the end, she just treated me like a member. 

I'm just a member to her. And now I'm nothing. 

I am nothing to her personally or professionally. 

~

Still crying. 

I cried while I dressed my breakfast, I cried talking to Tatum, I am crying at my desk.

I'm a hot mess right now.

I just don't want to be doing any of this.

~

Turns out, I'm not moving this weekend but I did book some apartment tours and will book some more.

My mother won't give me the key to even go make a key to the home I will be living in. 

She's literally forcing me to depend on her or my sisters for access. 

I deserve a key. If she was just my roommate, I would have gotten a key immediately or at least it wouldn't be held from me.

And explain the logic of "my schedule is too busy to get a key made but not too busy that it makes sense for me to let you go make a copy of it"

She's being a fucking bitch. 

And, here she is admitting again that she's talking to them without me. 

~

Hours ago my family came and I overheard my sister tell the other to grab clothes. I assumed they were telling me without telling me that they were staying at the new house.

But I didn't want to assume.

But now it's 10:00 at night and I'm still home by myself. I don't think they're coming back. 

They literally left me here, without a word.

And I'm the problem?

The almost 30 year old that's watching a crime podcast and knitting a llama?

Me?

~

OOP! 

I hear noise. I guess I was wrong. 

~

I just noticed Candice liked one of Jordan's pictures. 

Candice has never liked any of my pictures. 

Never. 

She commented about knowing I'm "big on Instagram", she said she knew I had a pug, she watched my Stories religiously but hardly ever watched my post gym videos of me...