making connections

So my sisters may have been right about our other sister.

I haven't heard from her since I asked her to keep an ear out for a job because I want to move out because of my home situation. But she did text our sister group the next day asking how everyone was since the storm.

And she just texted again to see if we want to come to the Family Reunion Picnic on Sunday.

I haven't responded to either text and don't plan on it either. 

Even if her intentions are pure, I'm not in a regulated state where I can trust her right now.

~

A little extra dysregulated. 

The two sisters I live with put me in another group text so one can complain about work drama. Every text agitated me.

And I miss Candice. Not agitating, just a little sad...

~

Last night I remembered her waiting behind me before she left that weekend. And her making faces and dancing before speaking to me and asking me how I was doing.

I miss seeing her smile. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss talking to her. I miss sitting next to her at socials. 

Moments like this make me wish I never told her how I felt or I never came in to that follow up meeting she called.

I don't even know what she smells like. I have no idea what she feels like. 

~

I miss hearing her talk. I miss her face of concern. I miss seeing her workout. I miss feeling her near me.

I miss that longing feeling that passed between us whenever we locked eyes. 

I don't like this. I fucking hate it.

~

Does she honestly not miss me? Does she just never think of me now?

All of that for nothing?

I find that very hard to fathom. 

Why do any of that? Why get close to me at all knowing what she risked? 

Why didn't she just let me ignore her? Why couldn't she just leave well enough alone?

~

Does she really not feel the same way I feel? Did she ever?

If she did, how is she just staying away from me? Where is she keeping those emotions?

Why won't she talk to me? Why is she ignoring me?

~

Did I make myself cum thinking about her last night?

Absolutely, yes. Guilty as charged lol. 

What I really want right now is for her to reach out to me. I want us to fix things, I want her back in therapy, I want her to close and reopen her gym in a new space, on her terms. 

I just want her to be happy in her authenticity.

And I want to be right there with her.

~

She won't talk to me. She won't open my messages. She will let me follow her and watch her Stories.

But she won't block me? What's that about?

She never does the thing I expect her to do and it's a little annoying lol.

As a matter of fact, she has never done what I expected her to do. She always surprised me.

...I miss that too lol. 

~

AND, I was at that gym for a little over a year and never even met her dogs. 

But as soon as I'm gone, she brings them both up there.

She KNOWS how much I love dogs.

Little turd. 

~

And she didn't want me flirting with that guy at that last Social we had.

She literally came to stand by and talk near us and the moment she saw me being flirty, she stepped in and cock blocked me almost immediately. 

I barely got a good flirt in. The moment my hand came over the rim of my glass and I started playing with my drink and talking and smiling at him, she was right there.

...it was really hot lol but I was mad at her.

She would piss on me in front of other people, she flirted with me in front of other people and now she's just gone silent. 

~

I checked her Instagram and she's posted 2 things.

And I thought when the people you liked started being unattractive when yall were no longer together.

She's still fucking cute, gotdammit

Fuck. 

She's fucking attractive and why is she aging so well?! I'm not gonna say I want her to look like a prune but it would make me feel better.

....eff me. What is this lol?

Is this really what break ups are like? Do people honestly feel a connection like that with each person they date?

I find that hard to believe.