i have thoughts

Something Candice's girlfriend said just came back to me this morning and I hope it isn't true.

I don't want her to quit! know CFIH is her heart and soul.

.....surely that's not what's happening. 

~

I got up because I felt inspired by this idea I had for my therapy page but now I'm laying down in bed panicked. 

She's not really quitting is she? There's no way that's what happening. 

~

This cannot be happening. 

This is not my fault. I'm about to start crying. 

She's more willing to quit the gym than be honest about her feelings?

She tells me I'm not special but then blames me for making her want to quit. 

Which one is it?

And I know she hasn't quit, I know she hasn't said she's quitting. 

But I am scared by the mere thought and I don't know what to do. And I know it's not my choice but it is my fear.

Surely that's not the case...

But Andrea's comment, the timing of things, Candice's girlfriend literally saying Candice wants to quit. 

Why the fuck would she do that?

When Candice's girlfriend sent me that message, I arrogantly thought "she's not gonna quit the fucking gym, she owns it"

Maybe I was wrong. 

~

I messaged her because I'm fully freaking out a little bit. 

I have like a little panic tremor happening.

I think I'm gonna have to leave this house today.

~

Ok. I lotioned up, got dress, and then started grocery shopping and budgeting for next week.

Then Kaylin texted me back. So I'm texting her now. I sent her the message I sent Candice. Little does she know, she is the only person that knows what the message says. 

~

Well, she's absolutely ignoring me. 

She has posted to her Stories since I inboxed her. 

I'm a little worried.

First, she avoids teaching my classes. Then she avoids seeing me at the gym. At some point, she passed the gym Instagram off to someone else.

I thought she wanted me gone. That seemed to be the sentiment of her email. "I'm doing my job just like everyone else, feel free to leave if you don't like that"

The crying all morning? The reply to my review? And now this?

There's no way she's giving all that up, right?

~

Well, I've muted her Stories again. 

Apparently she's going on a work trip. 

And now that I know she is blatantly ignoring me on purpose, I'm bowing out. 

Apparently, we don't want the same thing and that's fine I guess.  I'll leave her in her bubble. 

~

While a BPD favorite person is typically someone you have a close connection to, the relationship is unlikely to be healthy, stable, or secure. People with BPD frequently engage in a thought process called BPD splitting, which causes you to see people as all good or all bad.

At first, you might see your favorite person as perfect. However, whenever conflict arises, or if your favorite person tries to set boundaries, you may view these actions as a betrayal...

...It’s important to note that while “favorite-person” relationships can be unhealthy, they’re not doomed to fail. One way to keep your relationship from becoming unhealthy is by establishing clear boundaries. By setting and reinforcing boundaries, you can protect your emotional well-being and create a healthier relationship dynamic for both parties.

It’s not uncommon for a favorite person to struggle with guilt and anxiety, especially when saying no. A therapist can help you cope with these emotions and find effective ways to express your feelings and needs. With the help of a therapist, you can develop the tools you need to navigate the challenges of being in a favorite person relationship.

~

Me:

...Things between us were confusing but never this cold. 

My best guess is she clung to the narrative that she was just my coach and I just was her member. And now that I'm not her member, I'm not her problem 

Kaylin:

Yeah that's my thought too. She drew you in and built a relationship with you but isn't going to take responsibility for that. And she has the defense of being a coach and in a relationship. I'm sorry you've been hurting! Sometimes these situations are the hardest to let go of.

Me:

It has sucked tremendously. I just thought she was a very different person and I'm starting to see that maybe I was very wrong 

Apparently I need to let go.

Everyone keeps pointing in that direction.  

Malaina reminding me that Candice crossed my boundaries, Andrea saying don't go back to her, Candice literally ignoring me.

Meanwhile, I feel like I'm sniffing around her like a fucking puppy.

I kind of hate myself a little right now. I feel like an idiot. I feel like an idiot for thinking things would be different, that she would be different.

She didn't want me around. She didn't want me talking about her relationship with me in my review the gym. She literally showed my review to her girlfriend.

She threw me to the wolves and washed her hands of me. 

~

I unfollowed her and moved her messages.

I'll block her again later on.

...no, I'm gonna do it now. 

~

I blocked her. 

I don't know what to the fuck I'm doing.

I'm always trying to cater to her, make things easier for her. 

She's never once made an actual effort to fix things between us. 

I'm not gonna make it easy for me to fall back into that pattern. I'm not gonna give her a door to stroll through as if things are fine. 

I'm done-- again. 

This version of her sucks. I can't protect her, I can't hold on to her. 

If she decides to quit, it's her choice to make. She doesn't need my pity or sympathy. 

I feel like I'm gonna throw up. 

~

I'm just gonna set a timer to read some articles about cPTSD and cry a little bit before I have to go to crochet. 

~

I hate that she was just a lesson for me to learn. I don't know what was ever real between us. I feel embarrassed to no end. I never wanted this to happen even though I knew it was a possibility. 

I'm so mad at myself for not quitting sooner. I'm mad I ever leaned in to her. 

I'm mad that she felt safe to me. I wish she looked like the red flag she is.  

Candice didn't try to make things work because she didn't want things to work. 

Candice did not and does not want a functional relationship with me. 

Her lack of words and her actions have shown me that.  

I want to throw my feelings for her away. 

~

I'm crying and looking at my emotions wheel pillow. I feel... fuck my nose is bleeding. 

I feel sad because she hurt my feelings.

I feel abandoned and victimized by her deciding to build a relationship with me that she knew would be intimate and go no where and then pushing me away the moment I decide to try and put my foot down again.

Maybe she should quit the gym.

I feel ignored by her because she is literally ignoring me. 

I feel isolated because I no longer have a gym home that feels safe and where I know people. 

And I feel powerless because what the fuck am I supposed to do.  

I think I'm back to hating her... I'm not really. 

I still feel disconnected from her but me asking to talk, me apologizing for that last email I sent her, me asking her if she's quitting the gym.

And I get nothing back. 

Ive been honoring my emotions throughout the experience but maybe it's also time I mirror her.

...no, that's just me being petty.

I'm just gonna continue to let me feelings be hurt because apparently there's no magical way to make it all better and there's no perfect way to deal with any of this shit.

~

I made it to the crochet place! And it's sticking CUTE!

And the lady said I smelled good so bonus points for my mental health.

~

I have people who love me and like me for me so I'm gonna stick with those people 

~

I'm almost home from crochet class. I was so happy to be there ended up being just me the other girl didn't show up. Side of 101 with my teacher Lynette who was so nice I love her. 

And I was getting excited and you had a good time and I wasn't great at it and I made mistakes and I kept going and she looked at me and it was like it's really good like you were able to like do that and keep going and not it's great to not be good at something but not let that stop you. 

And she didn't know but that hit home real hard I was trying to cry I'm trying to cry right now either. Okay and she invited me to come and hang out with them on Saturday which also reminds me that people like me and that also makes me want to cry. 

And she is giving me all these tips and show me all these weapon sites to go to and writing down milk for me to go visit and do stuff and she gave me her number it was like if I ever wanted to reach out or if I need anything to let her know she'd be happy to be my crochet teacher for life. 

It's also made me want to cry cuz you don't know me and you think I'm okay like I'm okay to you. 

Of course bring up feeling about Candice and all the things that I've been dealing with over the last couple well probably the last month. 

I did the random numbers LOL today and if I ran the numbers not random. I ran the numbers today and it's only been like a month of me trying to getting stuck in that loop trying to figure out what I want to do. I just told myself that I'm going to do what I feel like I want to do see if that works tonight if it doesn't I'm just going to put the messages righ

I'm driving I can't edit that I'm staying I'm basically just going to continue to do what feels right and takes breaks and not do anything if I feel like it's not going to be a good decision I can't make a good decision in that moment. I'm going to do left feels right when I can and if it doesn't work out I'm just going to pivot. I think that's life I think that's how people do life. 

So for the past month I've done what felt right with Candice and that didn't work we didn't make me feel good so I'm pivoting again. 

I did what felt right at the gym that I joined and till it didn't and now I'm pivoting. 

and I'm just going to continue in that pattern until I get where I want to be. 

And I started journaling cuz there was one notion that came to me that I wanted to write down and now I can't figure out what that notion is anymore. So I'm just going to see if I can come back to it I think about all the things. 

But I did it I learned how to crochet today I'm so happy that I did this I'm so happy to the day off I needed it 

Oh I know what it was. About Candice 

I don't not like Candice I don't hate candice. And that makes it hard to figure out what box to put her in. On my way to there I'm not there LOL on my way to crochet class today I was thinking about what I want to talk to bring you about next time I saw her in therapy Brittany about not bringing you LOL anyway. I was thinking about what I would like to talk to Brittany about in my next therapy session and it came to me that I'm trying to figure out what box to put Candice in I don't hate her I also really don't want to be around her right now I don't think she's good for me so I was like what do I do if I don't hate this person but also don't feel like that's a good idea what is that. 

I don't know me on my way back that I could have not hate Candice that's fine. I don't have to hate her it's just not good for me 

So I don't hate candice. But I do understand that she's not good for me. 

I don't know where she's at on her own journey and I don't have control over where she's at on her journey but I do know where I am at so we are in two different places looking for two different things and I'm not trying to go back to where she is. And I know I have written this before in this journal because I have going back and read it a lot during all of this. And I still feel the same way. 

It's very possible that she is the person that thinks she is I don't think she sees that so I'm going to have to do what I got to do. 

I've got to do within my best interest that's what Britney not Britney that's what Emily told me in therapy that day and it still rings true right now I'm doing what's in my best interest sometimes I like it and sometimes I f****** don't but I know it's going to work together to get me ready to be where I want to be. So yeah I'm just going to keep trying

I'm okay with that. I feel like Candice I can have a place for Candice in my heart still but she can't the kid has had no she can be is that a candle she is. I'm going to have to make a decision based on Candice she is. And she is not one that I need to be around she's not one that's different she's not one that's no like I just can't do that. 

For the box that I'm putting her in is not right now IDK about later. 

I haven't really decided. I really didn't do much of anything today besides going to crochet class so you're still out. I am going to have an edible I'm going to sit at my desk I'm going to f****** crochet. And I'm not going to really got in a mood before I left oh my God it's happening just want to shop because you're happy and you really emotional little spiral of happiness that you're going to try to feel that by shopping for things that made you happy in this moment let's pause that for now let's get some food and let's see if we can stick to crocheting through thi through this urine that I already have. And first of all I am saying yarn and I am enunciating as best as I can and this thing is he's putting urine. Urine and yarn are two different words and one has more syllables than the other I'm going to stop being disrespective of his phone. 

So yeah that's where I'm at and I feel good about that. I hope this feeling last and I hope when I have moments where I'm entering my spiral again I'm not hurting myself cuz I am trying to figure it out. I realize that today this is all really f****** new to me and I'm trying to figure it out and I'm so I'm experimenting to see what works and what doesn't and right now I'm going to go with what I have learned from my experiments. 

~

And I unblocked Candice. 

I'm ok. 

I like her but she's not good for me.

~

Oh! And Kaylin texted me back!

Exactly! And you deserve friends and people in your life who respect your boundaries and don't tell you to find other gyms!! But for real on the boundaries thing. You obviously connected with her in a real and awesome way, but she at the same time has not treated you well. I'm sorry :(