hurt

I blocked Candice again. 

She is never gonna come around. She is never going to actually want to be with me. 

I imagined she was probably on another trip with her girlfriend so I have been peeking at her page. 

She hasn't posted anything in a while but her Travel highlight and her heart highlight are back in the forefront.

~

And I just unblocked her. Partially out of the slim to none chance that I'm wrong but also what's blocking actually doing to help me???

It's not helping. 

It'd be helpful if she blocked me. 

It's me. I keep doing this to myself. 

I haven't seen her, she won't communicate with me.  

It's been over and I just keep trying to save space for something that will never happen. 

I'm gonna cry and the shower and crochet the night away. 

She's traveling with her girlfriend, enjoying her life without me. 

And I'm making excuses for her, my family has shunned me, and I'm exhausted. 

I'm exhausted. And I'm sad.  

And I don't like my life right now. 

~

She's on vacation and my life is falling apart.

I want to make amends and she doesn't want to talk to me.

She removed me as her follower on Instagram.

Candice doesn't want to be with me.

I'm single. Candice is not single.

I made my choices and she has made hers.

We both want different things. 

3 days ago my scheduled post about dealing with hurt went up, meanwhile she's on vacation. 

I'm an idiot that keeps hurting myself. I keep doing this to me. 

~

My therapist encouraged me to not romanticize and I'm not doing a great job but I'm doing ok.

So I Googled for some tips. One of them says be realistic.

Be realistic?!

I've had an edible that hasn't kicked in yet so suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure 

Let's be realistic. 

Candice is on an apology trip with her girlfriend. And you know what the ultimate apology is to show that Candice loves her and would never have an emotional affair with a random gym member because she's just a coach? 

A proposal.

Candice is gonna propose to her girlfriend of 4 years because she loves her and that's what you do when you love someone right?

You do whatever it takes to be with them because you can't imagine life without them.

She'll propose, her girlfriend will say yes, and they will walk away in the gay sunlight together, forever.

And I'm an idiot who apparently enjoys being treated like she emotionally SO MUCH I'm willing to beg for it. 

~

Fuck my mother and FUCK Candice.

She doesn't feel guilty, she doesn't feel sad, she's not longer in hiding.

Candice moved on as if nothing happened.

NOTHING!

If Candice gave the slightest fuck about me I would not be crying and wanting to fall into myself because she fucked me over and now she won't talk to me.

She fucked me over and now she's got nothing to say.

And I'm sad like the sad dumb fuck I am for ever thinking something between Candice and me would, could, should EVER be something.

~

I am having the hardest time of my fucking life.

I love Candice and I miss her and I'm heartbroken and she can't even do me the decency of saying or addressing anything. 

She left me heart in hand and continued on with her life. Maybe she was sad, maybe she was happy about it, I don't fucking know.

But I do know that she didn't even care enough to make things right between us. She didn't care enough to be honest. 

And here I am again, back in Candice Doesn't Care About Me Land. 

Because she doesn't.

Knowing how I felt, what the gym meant to me, she doesn't give a shit about me. 

She just thinks I'm a cute distraction. 

~

I hate my life. 

Dear future me,

I hope you're happy. Truly happy.

I know that when people say that, they're usually being sarcastic. But I'm being fucking serious.

Candice fucked me. My mother fucked me. My sisters fucked me. My dad fucked me.

All that's left is me.

~

And now I'm laying down in bed, gonna Google how CPTSD has fucked up my brain so bad I confessed my love to someone who's not good for me and I don't think I can take care of myself and I'm an idiot. 

~

I hate this.  I hate all of this. 

I hate it. 

~

Will true happiness ever be possible for me?

Am I destined to live life ruminating and degrading myself? 

Am I just gonna settle for being ok in lieu of being happy?

Maybe true happiness isn't real. Maybe we're all just settling and pretending and that's why we all chase these feelings and experiences that give us a straight shot of joy, short-lived but amazing enough to survive the dread of life if only to get another shot of joy to cycle temptation to survive dread for a shot of joy. 

I hate this. 

Is a happy life attainable? Are we all going to always get the short end of the stick? Are we all living a lie for the sake of not standing out as being truthful and alone amongst a sea of denial?

I thought Candice would propose to me one day. Candice can't even open my Instagram message-- she's not fucking proposing. 

I need to read the fucking signs for once. 

.....I know my negative self talk comes from CPTSD, but I wonder if this is hereditary. Because Andrea has been commenting on how children typically adopt their how's from their parents.  

.....well. I'm going to bed on that note lol.