huh

I gave up on Candice, I quit the gym, I quit CrossFit, my family sucks and I don't feel safe, my best friend wasn't good for me so I let that go.

I feel like an idiot who has nothing. 

I know I have stuff, obviously. 

I-- I really am starting over. 

Candice doesn't want me around, doesn't want me on her page anymore. She doesn't like me.

I'm still shocked.

After all that pursuit and everything. Maybe that email did what I intended?

She removed me. 

Ouch. 

~

I knew I was starting over. I recognize that I scrapped these things in my life for specific reasons. 

But I was literally just telling Andrea, just crying to my therapist, both of them, about messing things up and feeling bad for being unaware of how my trauma affects the way I see and experience life and how I miss Candice but have accepted think and how I still had hope.

Well, not anymore. 

And maybe me unsending-- I don't fucking know. 

I don't know. Doesn't matter now, does it.

That's done. 

I was the only one going back and forth and feeling some type of why. 

She made her decision and I'm no one to her. 

Great. 

~

This wasn't meant to be anything more than what it was. 

~

I'm spiraling a bit. 

I'm questioning whether or not I'm being ungrateful. Questioning whether or not Candice ever actually cared. Maybe she was just doing her job.

I'm gonna bit a little out of sort today, I can tell.

I'm just gonna try to go slow and take breaks. 

Last night, I was working on the llama for Mia and it wasn't turning out right. So I scrapped it and went to find the invite text so I can look at her registry. 

Turns out, the baby shower I'd been planning an outfit for is a pool party. 

So I was high, sad, shaving my bits, trying on my old swimsuit, and ordering a towel for the party. 

~

It's not even 10 am and I have cried while microwaving my In N Out leftovers and then Ami texted me.

Why? Why God?

What is all of this? Why is this happening?

~

I just responded "hilarious" to a text, chin in hand with a pout on my face. 

When do things get better?

~

I can feel myself regulating again. 

I know things won't suck forever. I know things will get better.

Maybe I will find a connection better than the one I had with Candice.

I feel bad for ever even bothering her with an apology and all the whatevers. I should've taken her silence as my answer.

She's not interested anymore.

Someone else will be, maybe.

I'm just gonna start running again. I'm gonna figure out if I want to cook in this house. I'm gonna figure out my moving situation. 

I'm gonna figure things out. 

I'm not a victim. I'm not a villain. 

I'm just trying to figure things out. 

~

And I just cried again. Fell apart.

I opened the pantry to get Nola some food out and saw just how little space was left for me.

I may be able to make it work. But the very top shelf I basically asked her to switch out for something not so high up (because I cook more frequently than them) is now full of other appliances. And I just have what's left. One shelf and some floor room but I have to leave walking room (in a closet pantry mind you) and room for a few gallons of water.

It's--  it's one thing to have someone verbally say how they feel. But for them to be placating me in person but then literally not making space for me feels terrible. 

It feels like I'm not wanted, I'm not welcome. I should feel lucky to get what they give me and I have nothing to complain about.

~

I'm heading out to the dance to volunteer. Then I'm gonna go crochet. 

And I'm wondering if people like me or they just sense my sadness and pity me. 

~

So I went to the volunteer thing and I looked at my phone to see where I was supposed to be like what building to go to, look at an email turns out the event isn't until July 23rd. So I drove all the way to Arlington for nothing cuz I wasn't fully paying attention to the email I just thought I would have something to do this weekend and said yes turns out that event is on a Tuesday next month not even this month. 

So then I go crochet with the curlies cuz I already had that plan to do and I'm glad I did it was a good time I finished all my it didn't turn out perfect but it was cute everybody loved it was so happy and so proud of me. And then I started on my duck while I was there for chris. 

And then I got started I had to stop and then I pulled everything apart and started over cuz it ended up yeah I started doing it wrong I still don't know how I did that but it happened. And then I meant a bath while I was there a bath. I met one of the best family people while I was there. It was strange she was really really nice if you had known with a bath was you wouldn't know that came for money at all. 

so far I left I went ahead and did the street view of the house I was going to for me as baby shower to see what to look for when I started driving in did that house looks f****** fancy. I immediately gas got my phone while I was on the phone LOL I guess LOL texted under it was like look at this house oh my God and she was like oh my God it's nice and she tried to downplay it a little bit. And then she text me back and was like holy s*** that house is worth 4 million dollars and I was like oh my God what's happening they're going to get out me lol. And she was like no they invited to wear you there's going to be a good time you're going to have fun I was like I guess oh my god. So we were texting back and forth and we were laughing doing all the things and I headed over to the baby shower I did text Chris and I need to text Andrea back to let her know because they have some stuff going on he made a joke and I was like well it was about home. 

I get to the party I saw pain he came and showed me how to get in cuz that house was f****** fancy. Fancy. Fancy. And yes I have said it this bedtime on voice to text because it was fancy. 

I saw Lacey call you lazy I'm at some more people Camille I saw Aaron's and more girls from the book club it was a good time. There was a cute guy there but I really like his teeth so I didn't really do anything about that. And there's a girl who does book club who looks gay I don't think she is and she's cute but I don't know about that either. 

And then Tori ended up coming and I got so excited to see her I was so happy she was so happy and we caught up and we did all the things and she was updating me on the gym stuff and how that's going and how she's probably going to be leaving at some point cuz she didn't know they were leaving and she didn't even know which I'm married almost got her millionaire oh my God told her. I'm leaving all that in lol. But she's like yeah I don't think I'm going to when they move I think that's it I'm just going to be done she was like Candice's girlfriend was there the other day and it was weird and Candice was like speaking and she stuck back and doing all that but it's just weird and Tori was like she's not working out she's not excited to work out because me is not there I'm not there her friends aren't there they're switching to like the 6:00 a.m. class and she just doesn't want to do it anymore she's not excited and now what he said sounds like oh my God that's why I love my gym partially because I don't have any friends there and I miss y'all and I miss like hanging out and just talking to her and she's like oh my God where's our concert we are going to a concert together and it was so fun. And I'll tell her today and she's like the circus is coming cuz I'm going to the circus too and I was like yeah and I thought you want to know I'm going to circus. And I'll tell her I want to hang out and do something like I miss her and all the things that she's like well we're not going to be busy July and August all the weddings and stuff all that's going to be over so like we can hang out after dinner and I was like yes please that sounds like a good time I want to do that so we're going to start seeing what we can do like in the meantime between time we want to hang out together. And then I had a really good before I start that she said tell me again it's a girlfriend was in town and I was like oh that may be why I can and some follow me or made me unfollow her whatever the whole thing was yesterday but I don't know could be just kidding them I don't f****** know that's a problem it all keeps unfolding without me. I made a vomit down but that didn't come up on the voice to text. So I was like oh that's probably why you did that maybe because of that but also I don't know I don't f****** know and that's part of the problem and I was like Dave I'm happy she told me that because but also I wish you didn't because now I'm like dang it that's another reason for me to get back in my loop when I was just about to be over it because I'm thinking she's like rejecting me because she didn't want to she I don't know I don't know I don't f****** know. Next subject 

Lacey I hung out with Lacey it was a good time it's always a good time and she was telling me and she told her husband about me and how much she enjoys me in the book club and we're always laughing together and I was like oh my God what and it was so much fun and we're like both normal people like doing the thing. And I got to meet her husband he's really nice he got me some cake she actually give me cake and he brought oh my God how special and she was asking about me and I was trying to like ask about her and like do my social things and I really don't know how to do but I'm trying to learn. And she's asking my life so we can talk a little bit about that in the transition I'm trying to make and all the things and it was a pool party so she's asking me about the swimming car and all that and I was explaining my pool my swimming lessons to her she's like oh my God I can do try swim let's do that shut up yes please and she's like the next for the next book club you probably don't know how I swim I'm going to teach you oh my God stop it. It was so good I have such a good time it was weird with me I don't know what's weird probably because she's having a baby in her life is changing because she has a lot of hormones going on we'll figure it out if we figure it out I'm not going to put too much on it put too much into it. 

But then I drove Lacey home cuz her husband they throw together with another couple friends Camille's cup I can do this lol. She drove a Camille in her husband they rode together cuz they live across the street or went straight away from each other and she got ready to leave and they weren't ready to leave and she thought Camille was but she wasn't either like I can drive you home so we're not hanging out like going it was good time I'm glad I went so I almost didn't go I was sad this morning and then I rolled all the way to Arlington and nothing was there and then I was like I'm just going to stay home and just be sad because I can't feel but it ended up being okay and I'm glad I'll continue till like do the thing. 

And I'm partially glad I know the thing about Candice's girlfriend but that doesn't change the fact that Candice has been making her actions herself her girlfriend isn't doing anything for her these are Candice's actions she's doing this because that's what she wants to do cuz she wants to keep the relationship with her girlfriend I'm going to try to do the other llama I was telling me about I was telling Mia about it and she was kind of excited and I think it was genuine I don't know but people were like oh my God you better llama and they were really like thrilled to see I have made a mama. And me as friend got her a wubble to do while while she's on bed rest. And I was telling her I do the crocheting and we have a crochet group and like she's going to love it it's going to be such a good time. And I know it was fun like I looked at Lacey and her friend Camille and I was like I didn't I was having a moment where like I cannot believe this is my life and like she was like what is that a sad are you having a sad man it's a good thing like it's a good moment but I was like thank you so much 

~

I will see lol. I will say the sweetest thing that happened all day besides everybody being really really nice. When I got ready to leave Lisa come asking like what time is it what time and then I was like it's just so so I looked at the time it's like ate something and she's like what time is it and I told her and I was like I don't think I'm about to like dip out of here and go home. And she was like oh my God yes I asked to leave earlier and she asked her husband to go and he was like we can't leave jam and I was like oh my God how sweet she's like I'm telling me leave she was like you are right I would have we were laughing it was so nice I was like oh my God stop it as soon as I did so sweet let's go I'm ready

~

Kianisha's aunt Charisse died today. I started thinking about what it was like growing up around her, hanging out with their family.  

She was always so sweet. 

And now she's not alive anymore.

We're getting old, number one.

(I'm also high, hi)

And younger me would never ever believe that when I grew up, I'd be at a pool party baby shower at a 4 million dollar house. And I am not exaggerating about the cost.

I never saw this for myself-- ever. I always just assumed I'd live in Monroe forever. I never thought I'd leave. 

And now I'm living a life that has allowed me to meet so many people, Candice, get a dog.

I have a dog. I used to dream of owning a dog so I could take care of it and love it forever. 

And I do-- I do have a dog lol.

I know it seems insignificant but when you are experiencing the unexpected, no one thing is too small to celebrate.

Even though me right now isn't happy, I know my inner child is turning flips. 

I'm living a life better than I ever even imagined for myself. 

~

And I have had a long term companion in a man who lives all the way in Greece. 

With what I would venture to say is a beautiful connection.  

Because what are the chances of me finding him and he, me online for a hook up and now very familiar with each other all these years later.