destination: dysregulation

I am here, here is me.

I am so fucking dysregulated, it's not even funny. 

I could feel myself falling down this hole earlier today so I really tried to politely lay my head down internally.

Downshift, destress, re-regulate.

I want to say that I have failed but I know I haven't. I have just been berated with hits to my psyche back to back to back. 

Pitney fucking Bowes was the last gotdamn straw. 

And I just got off the phone with them after figuring out basically almost nothing. 

I got angry and frustrated having to pin down a person to help me that's not a fucking computer that's telling me to go online or kick rocks. Then I pin someone down and the call disconnected. I pin someone down again and she acts dumb but I kind helpful. Then I ask for a callback number and all hell breaks loose.

I can't get a callback number to save my life but they're not telling me that. They're just giving me misdirection. So I pin them down by asking for the name of our Account Rep. Guess what? We don't have one. And then they gaslight me--

That's it. That's the trigger. 

Things being difficult, being purposely led astray, and then being gaslit.

And then I get a text about the gym girls and dancing this week. One of them will be leaving early which is great cause I will be too. But seeing her say she wants to leave early for CrossFit the next day triggered me.

I also followed Candice again because I have no shame at this point to he honest. I also wanted to, I felt good about it even though it made me nervous so I did.

Maaaybe that also a trigger I'm not fully realizing? Only time will tell. But I don't think it is. It makes me feel a little bothered but not enough to raise alarms.

But between Pitney Bowes, trying to figure out the last new phone for HOK, trying to troubleshoot a phone at CB, and feeling bad about emailing Andrea about a chart being wrong because she pulled it wrong not because Jan didn't do her job right meanwhile I know Jan can see our emails about her so that also made me feel bad, feeling bad about telling an office they need to regularly make deposits, and feeling bad about telling someone they can't use the company card on their personal shopping account even to buy company stuff....

I want to crawl in a hole, but instead I am on the floor, lying on my back, halfway under my desk, journaling on my cell phone.

~

Oh! And the fucking Post Office called me when I was dealing with making a deposit today. So I had to retell and relive the experience of me getting a credit card opened from them and explain why that's bad. 

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I've just had a difficult day. 

And now I feel ashamed and embarrassed because all that happened in front of Tatum and Hannah. And they're fine; it's me in my head. 

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And now my brain is being mean to me about Candice:

She probably doesn't like me. She probably hasn't blocked me because it's not that important to her. She probably thinks of me as a fan...

Which is bullshit lol. It makes me laugh to get it out of my brain and actually makes me feel a little better.

I have no idea what Candice is thinking because I'm not Candice and she hasn't told me.

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All right so I'm finally leaving work. I do feel a little better me and the girls spend time talking and laughing for a little bit and I was feeling better by the time we started doing that. I ended up grabbing my heating pad and sitting that in my lap to kind of help ground me so I wasn't so up so upset anymore. Which I don't like calling you that cuz I feel like upset me as you're crying but I was upset and I almost did cry a little bit so it's the right word to use. 

But I do feel better I don't feel when I feel dysregulated I get like jittery but also kind of panicked and like I can't figure out what's wrong like I don't know what to do to fix it. I don't feel necessarily out of control but I feel a little bit like I don't know what's happening anymore and there's nothing I can do which I guess makes me feel out of control so probably I do feel out of control dang it. Say how I feel really does put things in perspective I don't like it sometimes. LOL 

But yeah I don't really have anything else to say. So I'm going to just put my music on and my windows down and enjoy my ride home. 

! Who say the last thing is I know I'm going to be moving starting this weekend and I know that's going to put me in a place mentally where I'm not going to be like thrilled and happy I'm probably going to be more dysregulated some try keep an eye on that and be mindful like I need to start planning some things to do this weekend to keep me okay.