confessed my love

I told my therapist I love Candice.

I told her gripping the emotion wheel, trying not to cry, and I never could flat out say love. I kept thinking it, I kept pausing, I kept rambling. I really tried and she let me.

And I finally just said I have really strong feelings for Candice. I like her alot-- more than like.

She said the word love multiple times throughout to confirm that's what I meant. 

I talked, I cried, and she told me that's great. And checked in with me and gave me some guidance and thanked me for sharing and said she's so proud of where I've landed, where I'm going. And we talked about me accepting circumstances but also having a small hope for something healthy down the line maybe. And she tugged on staying open to building more relationships while being realistic in saying honestly maybe nothing ever will feel like that but there's only one way to find out. 

We talked about my family and she pointed out that I said I felt kidnapped twice in session and I've never used that phrasing before. I was like oop but also said that's how I feel. I feel like I drank the Kool aid but I didn't know it was Kool aid. But now that I stopped drinking the Kool aid I don't know what to do. Do I pretend I drank it, do I drink it anyway, or can I stop drinking and be honest about that?

I also told her my worst fear is having to go back to what felt like a zombie state. I told her I don't want to do that. 

And we talked about the apartment I loved, my new crochet group inviting me in and I was like why would they do that, they don't know me, Patricia was joking with me but then complimented me during the joke saying I light up a room but she'd get kidnapped because she doesn't and I was like I-- me, I light up a room, my volunteer group, and book club.

All these unexpected fantastics as we called them.

And she asked me what they mean and what have I been doing to garner that. I hesitated because I thought it was a trick question lol. I said I don't know, I'm just doing the things I want to do.

She said yes, it sounds like you're showing up authentically and being vulnerable, living the way you want to.

She also asked me what do I think happened between me and Candice. I told her after everything, I think we started off on the same foot, both feeling each other out and exploring things under the guise of something else. I said I know I don't know all the things, but Candice pursued me from the beginning and she was adamant. Overall I feel like Candice hit her capacity and I surpassed mine. (Capacity for love)

...that's it. I'm done with this entry. I can't. 

I will add that after checking in with me to see how Id been handling my emotions and feeling hopeless, she said I have been doing a good job utilizing different strategies to help me stay balanced and grounded.

She also asked me throughout my session if things felt bearable, if things felt gross or icky or uncomfortable but bearable. And I said yes. 

It is gross, I don't like it sometimes, and it does make me feel feelings I don't want to feel, but it's bearable.