coming down [on myself]

I am down today. 

I feel a little hopeless--

First, I am on my period. I have been since Thursday. I'm also a little high. I had a tiny edible so I would settle my nerves. 

I felt a little frantic in my body when I woke up. 

Now lol. 

I feel a little hopeless, disheartened, dreading the move, sad about my apartment hunt, confused by my family playing nice yesterday but hurt again when my mom verbally asked me if I was gonna be moving anything today.  So I verbally told her 'no, I said I will be moving Monday once I get a key'.

And I'm feeling alone. And it's Father's Day. 

Father's Day is triggering. Mother's Day is triggering. Valentine's Day is triggering.

My sister is starting to act worse, in a sense. When I hear her interacting with my family it does sound like Andrea was right. I feel like she's trying to fill in for me but with her personality that feels more false and showy than genuine concern. And I know I don't get to say that, I don't get to cast my judgement because I only know what I perceive to be true. But those are my thoughts. 

~

They're still together. 

I'm not shocked, just sad. Really sad. 

I'm going to block her again-- for good this time. 

I don't want to keep doing this to myself. 

I will unblock her if we ever talk again in person. Until then, it's probably best for both of us if I leave her alone. 

~

I just did it. 

Soooo... I'm laying on my floor, head on my emotions wheel pillow. 

I'm going to cry for a bit... And then I'll get up and do whatever. I may just get in bed for the day. 

~

I don't get it. I don't know if I will ever understand. 

I love her. She built this connection with me. 

She insisted on building this connection with me more than once. 

She wanted this. 

And she has made her choice. 

I was for the shadows. I was apparently strictly for the shadows.

Have I learned nothing?

All I have ever done was tell her how I feel. 

All she has ever done is hide behind her job. 

I don't know if I ever was anything more than an escape to her. A person to use when her girlfriend just wasn't cutting it. A person to turn to when she needed something. 

I never needed Candice but I always wanted her. 

I feel like my life has just fallen apart.  

I am so unhappy right now. 

I was a means to an end for my family.

I was a means to an end for Candice. 

And as easy as it is for me to just angrily say neither of them love me or ever have I already know what my therapist will say, what the truth is

They can only love me to the capacity they have for love.

That's not good enough for me. Why do I have to keep walking away from all these important things relationships?

Candice can't do this with me.

My family can't do this with me.

I'm standing in the middle of each street alone. 

They aren't coming, are they?

They aren't coming to meet me.

~

I feel like an idiot. 

I'm crying again. I almost unblocked her again. 

Does she not care about how any of this makes me feel? 

Does she really only see me as a former member of her fucking gym?

Is that all I am to her?

I feel like my life has fallen apart. I feel like it's falling apart and there's nothing I can do.

I can't save any of it. So much is just slipping away from me. 

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. 

I feel so fucking stupid. I feel so stupid. 

~

She doesn't love me. She doesn't care about me. She doesn't want to be with me.

I literally asked her to respect my boundaries and she said no because that's her job. And she even went a step further and showed her fucking girlfriend my review. 

She fed me to the fucking wolves and has continued to just live her life as if nothing's wrong. 

She doesn't think about me. I'm no longer her focus nor am I her problem. 

She hasn't opened my messages because she doesn't want to. 

~

I unblocked her, unsent all the messages and I deleted the chat and reblocked her. 

She doesn't care. Either she's read them or she hasn't. 

At this point, what does it matter. 

I was wrong about her. She doesn't feel the way I feel. I'm just a fucking idiot who keeps thinking she'll change.

I can't keep looking at those messages be unread. I poured my heart out and she doesn't give a shit. I set boundaries and she didn't give a shit. 

She's never gonna change. She's almost forty and this is the life she's chosen. 

A life without me. One where I'm no one to her. One where I'm not important, I'm not around, I don't matter.

I'm just an idiot who fell for a bigger one.

She does not care about me. 

She doesn't care about me enough to be honest, respect my boundaries.

She literally spoke to me with her girlfriend right under her. She knew I was upset that night, she knew I didn't like seeing them together and she did that anyway. 

I hate myself right now. 

I'm so angry. I'm so hurt. And there's nothing I can do. 

~

Really ugly self talk coming in:

I'm a stupid fat overweight idiot. She never wanted to be with me. I was an embarrassment to her. She did watch my mirror Stories because I'm fat and she didn't want to see my body 

...this isn't helping because I know it's not true. 

Fuck. 

FUCK!

I just want to crawl into a hole. I'm not ok. I keep trying to move on and she's not skipping a fucking beat. 

~

Why would she treat me like that? 

Why would she treat me so poorly?

I've done nothing but be nice to her.

There's so many reviews where everyone is raving about the gym. Everyone looooooves Candice.

Meanwhile, she treated me like shit and refuses to even address it. 

I want to forget I ever even knew her. I hate her. 

~

I'm cancelling my drop in and I just cancelled my app for tracking my workouts. 

I'm quitting CrossFit-- I'm done. 

I can't do it anymore. I just can't.

I can't keep explaining why I'm switching gyms. I can't keep trying to find a new one. I don't have it in me. 

I can't do it anymore.

She has ruined that experience for me and there is no way I can get it back in this mental state. 

So I'm giving up. I'm quitting it all.

No more nothing. 

I don't want her to win and I feel like she's winning. 

She's got the gym, she gets to workout, she gets her community, she gets to keep her girlfriend, she gets to keep her narrative, she gets to keep her persona. 

I'm left with her secrets, my shame, my embarrassment, no community, no workouts for my mental health, no stability from routine. 

I'm a circus act that came and went.

I'm just another member people will eventually remember to forget. 

I'm no one with nothing.

I've lost so much substance. 

~

I lost my normal and she gets to keep hers.

~

And I'm blocking her fucking girlfriend too. 

~

I'm a fucking idiot. Me, the idiot. 

~

I'm an idiot who can't afford to live in anything other than a shithole with my current budget.

Why is this my life?

~

My life sucks. 

Candice sucks. 

My family sucks.