anniversary of me, candice, & branson

It's been one year to the day since I wrote this. It's my favorite memory of the beginning with Candice:

where I am now

June 13, 2023

I've come to a conclusion (for really this time)

After learning my core emotions and core identity on accident, I've decided to focus on friendship with this girl.

Friendship is what is on the table. Friendship is the only thing that can be on the table, at least right now. 

Do I keep getting signs that she's interested? Yes.

Does she keep seemingly trying to figure out if I'm gay? I think so.

Have I started subliminally leaning into my half-lesbianism? Yes. Signs and hints have been dropped by me. Lots of rainbows, given it's pride month and all.

I've also continued to never call her by her name to her face. Sounds impossible, I know. But it's worked out for me so far and I'm sticking with it. I've only ever addressed her by name via text one time. I feel like it keeps me safe if I don't give her that. I feel like there's something that comes with calling someone by name. A level of familiarity.... I can't quite put my finger on it but it's subconsciously a big deal for me. Maybe in all that I'm giving to her, I'm trying to slightly resist by not giving her that. So far, she's been speaking to me first and I get away with just saying hi back.

Also, can you imagine the passion that would come from me never saying her name until I was begging her to touch me. Fuck... it's hot.

BUT fantasizing in my spare time aside, I've decided to actively focus on what is in front of me. Focusing on what is instead of what could be.

Even if we just stayed friends, I have the feeling this will be one of my strongest friendships to date. I understand her and she understands me. We share very similar journeys, very similar trials. We share a similar mindset. 

Every time I talk to her, she feels familiar.

And if she is as good of a person as I feel she might be, I'd settle with friendship if that's all I can get because even that would be a pretty profound relationship.

I still have this feeling that something could happen down the line (maybe) but it's not happening on the surface just yet. And if I'm too focused on what's not happening, I could very well lose what is happening and I don't want to do that.

I do feel like she is nervous around me and wants to either be around me or keep other people from getting too close or comfortable with me. It feels like a shy jealousy based on admiration. I've seen her intercept people I talk to, guys and girls a lot. It feels possessive in the healthiest way if that makes any sense. And that's also hot lol.

I feel like I frighten her the same way she frightens me. I've seen it in her eyes once before. And from what she told me today about learning to trust herself to make decisions that are best based on her own judgment and not depending on the judgement of someone else, I could eeeeeeaaasily tie those two things together and run with it.

But I'm not. I'm going to take it at face value because that's where I am the safest. I can theorize all day, but I can not define her feelings. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to my mental health either.

But I can see this friendship through and focus on having her in my life that way.

But God the way she talks to me and gently dominates in conversation makes my panties wet. I don't know if she even knows she's doing it, but it is hot to have someone say what you're thinking and gently navigate difficult conversations while being attentive with thoughtful interactions. It's a fucking turn on. She'd probably be a fucking amazing dominant with the best aftercare.

Our phone call today felt like my phone calls used to be when I played with my former Dom. It's like a heady subspace where I want to give my everything over to her.

I casually brought up finding my love language like we'd talked about and went into how that led me to not only discover the reason some physical touch makes me uncomfortable but accidentally discover my core emotions and core belief. I never did say what my love languages, emotions, or beliefs were. But then she gently asked (for context, I'm assuming) what my love languages were. Not gonna lie, it turned me on. Because not only did she inquire, she also was able to immediately understand how my number 1 and 2 love language affect one another.

We share a lot of the same sentiments when it comes to navigating this new found friendship. She brought up being safe in the confidentiality between the two of us. About how I can know I'm safe, and how she'd like the same in return. I was smiling so big because it took me off guard that she'd taken my thoughts and set the boundaries that have been running through the back of my mind. I was instantly like 'uhm yes and same'.

I even joked about how I'd been thinking about that because it feels like sharing with her is very easy but also so confusing because I feel like I'm doing this [friendship] backwards. I usually I only talk about heavy stuff like this with people I've known for a long time or people I pay. (She thought that was funny and I'm pretty sure I blushed.)

I told her I talk about her in therapy. She mentioned it in passing as a joke in reply to my comment above in a sense of "are you gonna talk about and celebrate this conversation with your therapist" and I was like 'no, really, yes lol. You definitely come up in therapy' And she basically kind of asked what's the plan for us, therapally speaking lol. And I said I'm basically supposed to trust myself in doing what feels right. If it feels ok, keep going. If I want to take a break, take a break. Or if I want to stop altogether, I can also do that. 

She brought up sexuality again, in reference to her coming out. She was joking so I laughed along with her. But then she stopped laughing and I kept giggling. My mind didn't know when to quit and I was like 'motherfucker'. Twas awkward lol. It felt like nervous laughing that outted me.

She also shared with me her Therapy Origin story. The conversation hit a tiny lull and she asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I took a minute to consider and then I told her I wanted to kind of commiserate with her on what event made her start therapy. She basically immediately went in on the 'important general moments' summary of events. Didn't even hesitate. I was honored because she was quick to do it and because it was a VERY complicated and personal situation. And in turn shared my own. The church, my sister, and how meeting my niece made me start therapy. She even made an obvious connection that I missed about how my love languages (even when I didn't know them) were the reason I started therapy.

And before we went into commiserating, she talked about how weird it kind of is to be sharing that story. Because I prefaced us sharing with how know one talks about that story because it usually does surround an event that sucks and is not fun at all. And she seconded that and even mentioned how even though she can have a glossed over discussion with people she knows and coaches etc, people don't really understand how to handle that information or they don't know what to say on response to it.

I think she feels the same way about me just a little but I know she can't act on it even if she did because she has a girlfriend. It's still a lingering feeling I have because while I was trying to avoid her, she is steadily making herself available to me and opening up a lot.

So even though it is still VERY sticky, it's a lot less trickier than before because I'm keeping my right now goal in mind.

She even mentioned how inspirational our conversations were. Which definitely made me smile like an idiot. And she jokingly told me how she's glad she can help in a way that's not just teaching how to do air squats. Which made me laugh out loud because I didn't expect her to say that. So I told her that I'm glad too and that when I'm 100, I'm not gonna be doing air squats, I'm gonna want my mental to be ok.

And then we got off the phone with ease. It didn't feel rushed, even though she had something else to do. It was a very natural ending.

.........sigh.

My therapist asked me about sexual tension in my last session.

There is some, I think. But it doesn't feel like lust per se, it feels like ownership. It feels like belonging. It feels like giddy butterflies when I'm flustered and a supportive partner when we have these intimate conversations. It feels like I'd be safe with her. It feels like a lifetime could happen between us.

And that terrifies me.

I feel like I'm gonna get my little feelers hurt and that honestly frightens me so much. And the idea that "what if what I feel is reciprocated" is also scary.

But I know there's something here. I just don't really know what all there is yet.

So, I'm going to sit in this friendship and enjoy it to the fullest. I'm either going to have the best friend a girl could ask for or one hell of a life partner. 

Either I think would be a healthy addition to my life. 

~

I'm high and accidentally upset myself about Candice. 

In watching her page and looking at pictures and looking to see if her girlfriend commented on anything, I went through her likes and saw her girlfriend was in there. Which crushed my hope of them maybe not being together.

And I know that it's likely they are, they've always been together. 

I just keep hoping if they break up, that'll mean Candice is choosing me over her. She'll finally choose me.

But Candice's girlfriend is not the thing in the way. She's never been in way.  

Candice is in the way of whatever we will share and whatever we won't.  

Candice isn't talking to me because she doesn't want to-- no matter the reason. Candice isn't choosing me because she doesn't want to, not enough. 

I know this already and I've accepted that. 

But I felt beat up this week at work, tired when I wake up, I missed crochet at the store to go out to our new house and I'm not gonna even revisit why I didn't go inside and ended up crying my way home, Jordan got sick last night and cancelled the bar tonight. 

A part of me deeeeep deep down was hoping Candice would see pictures of us again and finally reach out. Or that Candice would somehow find out where I was and come and meet me to win me back...

I love her.

I know wishing and hoping is ok. I know that missing her is ok. I know that longing is ok.

But it doesn't make letting go feel any better. 

And I'm fucking watching Bridgerton and a couple on there just exchanged eyes the same thing way me and Candice did. 

So now, my almost 30 year old ass is laying on the floor of my room, pulling my hair a little, journaling about my heartbreak. 

I love her and I may never have her. 

I may never see her again. 

And I know I could read this years later and go "bitch, be happy you did not see her again cause no" but I don't care because I hope when I read this years later and go "awww, I've always loved her and still love her the same way" AND THEN I CLOSE MY JOURNAL AND WALK INTO THE ROOM AND SIT IN HER LAP BECAUSE WE DID GET OUR HAPPILY EVER AFTER-- TOGETHER!!

~

And not even 10 mins later, I felt better after getting my feelings out of my head and I went back on her page and now I'm horny and want to know what she smells like.

What the fuck is life, really?

Let me get my butt up and crochet. 

~

I'm having a moment right now where I'm doubting whether or not I'm actually happy. 

I'm also still high, so there's that.

But I'm trying to grasp at an overall, overarching "am I happy"

And right now, in this moment the answer is no. I am not happy right now. 

And I know that's fine. That's normal.

Emotions come and go from moment to moment because life isn't stagnant. 

But it can be scary for me, personally. 

Because it makes-- it brings up the fear of "if I'm not happy, will I ever be, and if not why bother trying for anything other than where I am, at least I'm familiar here and that makes it safe"

And I know that is the mentality I have my trauma has taught me. But it is a mentality-- not a reality.

And "safe" is not the same as "happy."

I'm going through a big life shift right now. I know it's ok to be scared, unsure, uncertain, and maybe even unhappy. 

But that's right now. 

And I've had so many "right nows" since therapy that have made me feel like this. 

And I have had to many triumphs since therapy that have made those "right nows" a distant memory, seed in fertile ground.

This is my seed season again. 

And I'm gonna tend to this fucking soil.