what living looks like

 My family picked a house without me. They literally picked a house for us to all move in without me ever even seeing it. They scheduled a tour and waited until I was asleep on a Sunday to text me that they were leaving to see it. I only saw that text after I woke up and they'd been and came back. Instead of renting, my mother was most likely putting in an offer to buy said house. Which is her prerogative but lying to be about it via omission is fucked up. And why would I assume she had an offer on the house? Because I was never asked to fill out an application for rental and when we looked up the address at work, it was on the market for sale. And because they were so sketchy during that time I honestly thought they were gonna keep me away from the house until it was too late for me to say no so I confronted my mother about me not seeing the house. She brought it up "casually" and I asked when will I get a chance to see it and she brushed me off blabbering about how the ...

Slept fine, still feel like an idiot.  Currently shitting my brains out because I had a salad after eating shitty for the longest because I don't want to cook because I don't want to be in this house.  I hate this.   Of course after 27 years of avoiding intimacy, I fall for and open myself up to someone who's more damaged than me. Of course. Why would that not happen? All roads lead there, right? If this is what falling for someone feels like every time, as of right now in this moment today, I don't fucking want it.  ~ I blocked her again. Because of fucking well so what, what's the point.  I don't want her over here.  ~ I've come back down from this fucked up Candice high to just be angry and hurt by her. I keep telling people Candice would never hurt a fly, but look at me: a human person with feelings that Candice hurt and let stay hurt and confused and, now, feeling more alone than ever.  ~ MaYbE sHe DoEs CaRe NOT ENOUGH! NOT NEARLY ENOUGH! Sh...

I blocked Candice again.  She is never gonna come around. She is never going to actually want to be with me.  I imagined she was probably on another trip with her girlfriend so I have been peeking at her page.  She hasn't posted anything in a while but her Travel highlight and her heart highlight are back in the forefront. ~ And I just unblocked her. Partially out of the slim to none chance that I'm wrong but also what's blocking actually doing to help me??? It's not helping.  It'd be helpful if she blocked me.  It's me. I keep doing this to myself.  I haven't seen her, she won't communicate with me.   It's been over and I just keep trying to save space for something that will never happen.  I'm gonna cry and the shower and crochet the night away.  She's traveling with her girlfriend, enjoying her life without me.  And I'm making excuses for her, my family has shunned me, and I'm exhausted.  I'm exhausted. And I'm sad. ...

I gave up on Candice, I quit the gym, I quit CrossFit, my family sucks and I don't feel safe, my best friend wasn't good for me so I let that go. I feel like an idiot who has nothing.  I know I have stuff, obviously.  I-- I really am starting over.  Candice doesn't want me around, doesn't want me on her page anymore. She doesn't like me. I'm still shocked. After all that pursuit and everything. Maybe that email did what I intended? She removed me.  Ouch.  ~ I knew I was starting over. I recognize that I scrapped these things in my life for specific reasons.  But I was literally just telling Andrea, just crying to my therapist, both of them, about messing things up and feeling bad for being unaware of how my trauma affects the way I see and experience life and how I miss Candice but have accepted think and how I still had hope. Well, not anymore.  And maybe me unsending-- I don't fucking know.  I don't know. Doesn't matter now, does it. That's don...

I'm high.  The gym's event is coming up and I've been reminiscing. Last summer was the one Candice looked at me and the world disappeared. Then Andrea wanted to know where I was with her.  I followed her today and watched her Story twice because I was reminiscing.  I just went to her page to see if she posted another Story....she removed me as a follower. Well, I guess that's that.  Here I was romanticizing yet again. If I unblock her, she'll have a way to reach out to me if something changes. If I follow her, she'll know I unblocked her. Maybe if she sees Mia's baby shower pictures and I'm in it, she'll remember that she likes me. If I watch her Story, yadda yadda whatever. She removed me as a Follower. I'll take that as a confirmation for how she feels about me. Which sucks, ouch. But is fair, I guess? Idk. Not my call to make. And I guess this was her way of being loud and clear. She wants nothing to do with me. Well. Maybe I was wrong this wh...

I told my therapist I love Candice. I told her gripping the emotion wheel, trying not to cry, and I never could flat out say love. I kept thinking it, I kept pausing, I kept rambling. I really tried and she let me. And I finally just said I have really strong feelings for Candice. I like her alot-- more than like. She said the word love multiple times throughout to confirm that's what I meant.  I talked, I cried, and she told me that's great. And checked in with me and gave me some guidance and thanked me for sharing and said she's so proud of where I've landed, where I'm going. And we talked about me accepting circumstances but also having a small hope for something healthy down the line maybe. And she tugged on staying open to building more relationships while being realistic in saying honestly maybe nothing ever will feel like that but there's only one way to find out.  We talked about my family and she pointed out that I said I felt kidnapped twice in sessio...

I woke up still upset today.  I finally fell asleep at some point last night. I ruined my underwear, my shorts, and my sheets.  I woke up to my family being loud as if I'm not asleep.  And I'm still mad at Candice. She never wanted to help me. She wanted to help herself to me. And I've been defending her to people and meanwhile she's off with her girlfriend as if nothing ever happened between us.  What we had was unimportant, not special-- nothing.  Apparently it was just her doing her job.  ~ Turns out, still depressed.  My family has literally been planning life without me. They asked for my two cents and completely disregarded them. But then I'm being ungrateful, problematic, and unreasonable for asking the questions that deserve honest answers.  Candice has just been dragging me along with her by my heart strings. The moment I stopped wanting to be her friend, she decides to double down on pursuing me even though I told her I liked her. I was ...

I am down today.  I feel a little hopeless-- First, I am on my period. I have been since Thursday. I'm also a little high. I had a tiny edible so I would settle my nerves.  I felt a little frantic in my body when I woke up.  Now lol.  I feel a little hopeless, disheartened, dreading the move, sad about my apartment hunt, confused by my family playing nice yesterday but hurt again when my mom verbally asked me if I was gonna be moving anything today.  So I verbally told her 'no, I said I will be moving Monday once I get a key'. And I'm feeling alone. And it's Father's Day.  Father's Day is triggering. Mother's Day is triggering. Valentine's Day is triggering. My sister is starting to act worse, in a sense. When I hear her interacting with my family it does sound like Andrea was right. I feel like she's trying to fill in for me but with her personality that feels more false and showy than genuine concern. And I know I don't get to say that, I d...

I keep speaking up for myself with my mom.  I went to my first apartment tour and it sucked. Spoke up for myself there. Went and knitted at the knit store. Lynette and me were texting this morning and she asked if I was coming. That honestly gave me the push to be a person today. And I had fun. I met Julie, hung out with the girls, and crocheted.  And I love Candice. I'm also high but I'm high and happy, which I haven't been in a while. Lately, I've been high to come back down from being so high strung.  Today, creating around those ladies and being a little vulnerable with them, us laughing and sharing stories.  It was a good time. Made my day.  

I am feeling sad mad confused frustrated really sad really upset a little too strong a little dishearten very unsure very confused very afraid and filled with doubt real with guilt and all these other emotions.  This weekend is the weekend we start moving out of this house into the new house and I didn't want it's bringing up all these feelings from when all that's trying to happening not having a good time. So I woke up and I started looking for places to move into sooner or later. Which upset me again because I don't know if I could afford these places. People are telling me I can but I don't feel like I can I don't feel like I can take care of myself and I know I can take care of myself just don't know what that looks like very upsetting so now I'm crying in my car and not even 5 minutes from my house. And I looked at my lease to see what happens if I decide to break it if I'm reading it correctly it looks like it's month to month for the next...

It's been one year to the day since I wrote this. It's my favorite memory of the beginning with Candice: where I am now June 13, 2023 I've come to a conclusion (for really this time) After learning my core emotions and core identity on accident, I've decided to focus on friendship with this girl. Friendship is what is on the table. Friendship is the only thing that can be on the table, at least right now.  Do I keep getting signs that she's interested? Yes. Does she keep seemingly trying to figure out if I'm gay? I think so. Have I started subliminally leaning into my half-lesbianism? Yes. Signs and hints have been dropped by me. Lots of rainbows, given it's pride month and all. I've also continued to never call her by her name to her face. Sounds impossible, I know. But it's worked out for me so far and I'm sticking with it. I've only ever addressed her by name via text one time. I feel like it keeps me safe if I don't give her that. I f...

I am here, here is me. I am so fucking dysregulated, it's not even funny.  I could feel myself falling down this hole earlier today so I really tried to politely lay my head down internally. Downshift, destress, re-regulate. I want to say that I have failed but I know I haven't. I have just been berated with hits to my psyche back to back to back.  Pitney fucking Bowes was the last gotdamn straw.  And I just got off the phone with them after figuring out basically almost nothing.  I got angry and frustrated having to pin down a person to help me that's not a fucking computer that's telling me to go online or kick rocks. Then I pin someone down and the call disconnected. I pin someone down again and she acts dumb but I kind helpful. Then I ask for a callback number and all hell breaks loose. I can't get a callback number to save my life but they're not telling me that. They're just giving me misdirection. So I pin them down by asking for the name of our Accou...

So my sisters may have been right about our other sister. I haven't heard from her since I asked her to keep an ear out for a job because I want to move out because of my home situation. But she did text our sister group the next day asking how everyone was since the storm. And she just texted again to see if we want to come to the Family Reunion Picnic on Sunday. I haven't responded to either text and don't plan on it either.  Even if her intentions are pure, I'm not in a regulated state where I can trust her right now. ~ A little extra dysregulated.  The two sisters I live with put me in another group text so one can complain about work drama. Every text agitated me. And I miss Candice. Not agitating, just a little sad... ~ Last night I remembered her waiting behind me before she left that weekend. And her making faces and dancing before speaking to me and asking me how I was doing. I miss seeing her smile. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss talking to her. I miss sitti...

Okay I've had a day it was good I did have a lot of intrusive thoughts about Candice and like oh my God what is she doing oh my God what's happening oh my God you got to get it. Also think it was because I had to go make deposits today and part of my routine is making deposits and it's driving by the gym and I don't want to change that routine cuz it's my routine but I also know I probably do need to change it cuz I told you my therapist about it cuz the triggers me feel a type of way when I go past there I get all my anger and sadness and wanting to cry and stuff and I'll pass by.  P so I didn't pass by on the way they're almost there but traffic was bad so I decided to go another way and I did pass back on the way back it wasn't terrible I also thought about it the thing that I don't want the thing that makes me feel that way to see her car there that's usually good thing that makes me nervous when I go to the gym was seeing her car and she...

Something Candice's girlfriend said just came back to me this morning and I hope it isn't true. I don't want her to quit! know CFIH is her heart and soul. .....surely that's not what's happening.  ~ I got up because I felt inspired by this idea I had for my therapy page but now I'm laying down in bed panicked.  She's not really quitting is she? There's no way that's what happening.  ~ This cannot be happening.  This is not my fault. I'm about to start crying.  She's more willing to quit the gym than be honest about her feelings? She tells me I'm not special but then blames me for making her want to quit.  Which one is it? And I know she hasn't quit, I know she hasn't said she's quitting.  But I am scared by the mere thought and I don't know what to do. And I know it's not my choice but it is my fear. Surely that's not the case... But Andrea's comment, the timing of things, Candice's girlfriend literally say...