trying

I keep trying to ask myself why I want to talk to Candice so badly besides the fact that I apologize and all these things over instagram. She really helped me last you when I was going through a rough time. Use an unexpected help that made a really big difference in me getting through that time of my life. Now that I'm facing a similar one I really want to talk to her I want her help. I want to share stuff with her I want to know what she thinks if I she has all these things

This morning I was on Instagram and I went to my messages and they're still sitting there. I do remember her telling me she didn't really know how to do technology about how much of that is true so all these thoughts or anything I bring does she not know how to open my message, is it hidden because we don't follow each other, that she just blatantly ignoring me, or is there something else. 

But I do like her. I know she knows that because I told her. But not knowing how she feels about me not knowing where her head that I'd always been the problem. Can usually the only person I want to talk to you right now but I can't. I'm almost following her this morning. 

So instead of following her I'm just here blabbing all my thoughts. I swear to follow her maybe she'd see my message before I want to follow her maybe she start thinking about me again. If I followed her maybe she would start things back up again I could at least get a part of her.

Also messaged Jim Brandon's last night well that last night I missed my gym friends this morning 

Voice to text keep fumbling my words I'm trying over here. I messaged the gym friends this morning and asked him if they wanted to go to the movies and see babes. So we'll see what happens with that. 

I think it's finally hitting me that I feel alone. That makes me really sad. And I know all the reasons why I feel that way but I'm just really sad this morning. I feel really defeated like I did all this work and I have nothing to show for it. I don't know what's next, I don't know what to do. Still nervous I'm scared I'm just going to fall back into this little patterns and I know how to do that. I don't want to fall back until those unhealthy patterns. I just wish things were different I'm trying to make my life different. I don't know if it's going to work I'm scared it's not going to hurt

~

I wasn't gonna write about it but obviously it's bothering me. 

I had a dream this morning that Candice was happy, and posting pictures of herself on campus with friends. It's like she'd gone back to school?

~

My mother emailing me at work is triggering.

It makes me want to cry and scream and it also makes me question my reality.

Because she's being really casual. Saying things like "love ya!" and "thanks buttercup" with a smiley face. 

AS IF EVERYTHING IS FINE!!

AS IF SHE DIDN'T TEXT ME MONDAY AND PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY AMBUSH ME AND THEN GASLIGHT ME AND THEN BULLY ME.

~

And also, she told me she didn't help me with the dog's surgery because she didn't have it. I never asked her to pay from the start-- SHE OFFERED. So either you lied when you overed to help, or you're lying now, or BOTH. 

And when I honestly tell you I don't have money for rent change for a big house, you get the house anyway and then you force the rent on me anyway. And you act like you're doing me a favor by giving me four months to not have it. 

What she's doing is making it seem like she wants to help me even though she knows she's taking advantage of me to get what she wants.

So living with her is a privilege for me and I should be grateful. But living with her is how she's able to use me to get the house she wants.

Both of those things cannot coexist in a healthy relationship. 

~

I get Candice has her own mental health journey but that really did a number on me.

Leaving the gym I love because of how she decided to handle things really did a number on me.

And it was the start of the shittiest time of my life.

And now all those wounds Candice was accidentally hitting have fully emerged and I have never felt so vulnerable. 

Abandoned by Candice after all of my efforts.

Abandoned by my sisters after all of my efforts. 

Abandoned by my mother after all of my efforts.

That's why I felt like I was never enough. Because the people around me.

I was always enough. I just wasn't giving them what they wanted. 

~

I saw a shit ton of Mazdas today. They were popping up literally everywhere. 

AND that guy from Johnny's texted me.

~

I went to Candice's page today at work. She hasn't posted in a few weeks. But she has been posting on her stories I just haven't looked at them. My worst fear right now is that she's going to spend it pride with her girlfriend. I want to spend time with Candice. I've been in my feelings more majority of today. And it wasn't terrible I was just like oh I really miss her and I really want her I don't know what to do so gets out of a control I've done all that I can do I know that. But still my feelings haven't changed. 

So I went to the gym today for the first time lol. And it was okay I felt like myself I felt okay until a song started playing during our workout.

And I knew the beat sound of a familiar but then the lyrics started going and I immediately knew that was a song I was playing when me and Candice worked out together the last time I saw her at the gym so in my head it's kind of like our song. Because if there was a lot of attention between us that day and it was just very heavy in the air that something was going on between us. And it kind of turned me on a little bit. And that was a dad thought she was going to come over and just bum rush me and kiss me during class because of what she threw down her weight when she was working out. That was the day she kept looking at me without looking at me. I f****** miss her 

I miss her and all the things that have happened today have just made me feel like maybe there's a chance I'm really hoping there's a chance. Because what are the chances of all things that we have experienced together and me experience it outside of her happening. I want her. I want her to open my messages. I want to rescued I want to be with her. 

I have experience other people seeing me since Candice and Milena was right. Other people will see me. But they won't see me like Candice on me I don't think. Because I don't know if you see me for who I was in my trauma I was also very attracted to her and I can tell she was also a very attracted to me and there's attention there that I've never felt before in my life and I just wanted to be near her so I understand her wanting to also be near me in those moments. They're just infuriated because she didn't want to be with me she wanted to be near me what she wanted to do. Especially then when her girlfriend was there and she kept and wouldn't stop. 

I want to talk to her I want to follow her so she knows I'm I have unblocked her I know she's got a notification about my messages I want to follow her I want to watch her story so she know I'm watching her story I want to show up at the gym and just look at her. And because neither one of us is dealing with our issues kind of backfired on both of us.