new normal (again)

Post-Candice counter is done. 

I uninstalled the day counter app Sunday, I think so I'm also gonna stop counting here. I think it's triggering. Not a lot, but enough. 

If I'm gonna try to embrace a new normal, it's probably in my best interest to stop counting the days since my heart was broken. 

Besides, I broke my own no contact, I made my page public, the jig is up. 

I cannot force myself to feel guilty about liking her, hoping that my feelings for her will disappear. 

I want what I want-- a healthy relationship with her. 

And as far as my family goes, I'm done hiding and playing games but I'm still trying to figure out just how to play my hand. 

~

And I just checked my credit score and it fucking dropped like 79 points. 

Nothing has really changed in my spending habits besides the watch I bought and this rental house situation.

And now I'm wondering just how many times my credit was ran. The application I gave her was generic; she could have used that one to apply to several. 

Fuck. I'm gonna cry again. 

~

Well I looked at my TransUnion credit score and I can't figure out why I would have dropped so drastically over the last month kind of f****** know I don't f****** know. Do not trust my family that's really difficult it just sucks and I hate it okay. 

I'm going to go from saying why I don't trust my family to feeling the feelings I feel now that I know I can't trust my family. 

My ears are popped, I don't feel comfortable, I don't feel safe, I feel unsure of myself, I'm blaming myself internally for a lot of things that I know is in my fault. I feel like all of this was a mistake. And I regret not moving out sooner. I regret not being more desperate to move out. Also have been second-guessing a lot on whether or not my mom knew I was supposed to move out during college because that was a huge trigger for me. It was a really upsetting time in my life and I think it was the first time I've actually really been depressed as an adult and it was a huge blow because I really wanted to go I enjoy my major and I don't know how I didn't know I was supposed to move out. That never made sense to me now I'm guessing maybe she has something to do with that and that sucks a lot. And I've been trying to let that go because I can't prove it I can't change it. But I just don't get it. 

I'm confused I don't understand why I'm being treated this way. I've done nothing to these people except take up for myself and that's a problem? Just f****** sucks you know that I can't trust people I live with and they're not just roommates they're my f****** family and that's still ass backwards.. my sunglasses came off I was loving my tears. And I forgot to mention it but I'm sure it's obvious since the cluster of words and that probably don't make sense because I'm doing voice to text I'm doing voice to text. I'm crying a little but I do feel better today. I didn't really want to get out of bed my dog would not lay down she kept getting hanging up in my blanket. I'm just sad and I'm taking so many hits back to back to back. 

I feel like I can't I feel like I'm second-guessing my ability to make good decisions for myself and I know that the things that have happened to me have been in other people's decision but I keep trying to circle back to how I can blame myself and I know I'm not at fault but what do I do I how am I supposed to get through all this and I can't there's nothing for me to fix I just have to get out and that's hard and I know I can do it but as a kid I had that feeling and I couldn't and then when I did I got pulled back from college and I'm scared of going to happen again I don't want that to happen again.

~

I can do this. I can do this. I've been doing this.

Same goal, changing my strategy. 

~

Also, the book I'm reading keeps addressing CPTSD and BPD...

I've been trying not to read into that. 

~

I checked again and Candice still hasn't opened my message.

I just keep holding on to the fact that she hasn't blocked me. But she also may have muted me.

There's a lot of maybes but all in all I just really miss her and want to make things work.

I wish we could make things work.

I don't regret my olive branch but it does make me sad that it hasn't even been touched. 

~

I feel like my life started when I met her and now I may never even talk to her again.

That really makes me sad. I don't want that. 

~

Well I just got off the phone with Brittany for therapy. And I was right about a lot of things which is good and she was also very helpful and like reprogramming the way I'm thinking and keeping me on track from moving forward. Right now I just feel a little bit like I can't believe that this is my life I can't believe what I'm saying these things I can't believe I've been journaling these things I can't believe these things have been happening to me. 

And she wasn't surprised when I told her it was just more of a this is the moment she's been waiting for a moment of like clarity and awareness as to my circumstance and surroundings that have been there the entire time. But I'm like I'm not crazy I just was a little blind in the back for good reason. And maybe that's the new narrative I need to be telling myself to talk about narratives for today and what I'm going to keep in mind the next couple of weeks. and she also brought up pandas as I learned it's about your family and all the things about Candice and I was like Candice recently or Candice back then. And she was cuz I didn't say what I have been saying in my journal but she came to the same conclusion and talking to me she was like okay and you feel it's safe to say you feel unsafe exactly that. And I also told her that I forgot hang on let me think about it. 

She said the same thing Andre told me earlier this week and I agree with it she said that I know my family loves me and she can't speak for how they're thinking but they're probably most likely loving me to the capacity that they know how. Like f*** correct. But we were talking about narratives and doing safe the Kansas city? LOL 

But the way she was talking to me was like she knew this day was coming and here's how we prepare for who is what you should probably do what do you want to work on f*** man was I the only person that didn't see it. 

Candice made me feel unsafe we did talk about that being a trigger when I last saw her that's probably what she's referring to. You know I apologize to Candice and I still like her and all these things that is a huge I can't move past that that's a huge I forgot what they call it but if anything were to happen between us that's a huge problem that's a reply and it's going to be good deal with I'm not going for that. That's why I left that's why I put myself out of that situation because it made me feel unsafe. 

So having that come up again and to be with my family has been real s*****. But she did echo a lot of the same things I've been trying to do I've been trying to find ways to feel safe and I have been trying to figure out what I want my routine to look like so I can have some sense of normalcy in my life. 

And then she brought up a big one that made me feel all this experience has really made me more apologetic towards Candice and also more understanding because apparently BPD and cptsd are not the same but they are have a lot of similarities. 

Because she went over what makes me feel unsafe and all the things and else I got just never thought Alex cuz I was just crying at one point I was like I didn't think I would be dealing with this I didn't think my own family would do that to me and all the stuff and she was like and what are you afraid of cuz I told her I was feeling fear and anxiety and stuff and I said I'm really afraid that I'm just going to feel like boxed out they're going to like get rid of me like I'm disposable. And she said so abandonment? And I didn't say that but I was like s*** yes. 

So I also have a lingering fear of abandonment that I didn't know was there so that's great. And she told me to lean on to people that I trust and what are my coping not coping but like what am I doing to make myself feel safe in the next couple of weeks what can I do to remind myself that I'm loved and that people like me. 

And I told her that's part of what made me emotional yesterday at work because while I'm sad about realizing my family has been and are continually willing to treat me this way I was also crying some happy tears because I'm coming back from my birthday and people are excited to see me and like also feel bad about seeing me crying and they care and they want to help me and people are really nice and I never think it's genuine because I never trusted that my own family's niceness was genuine I thought they were just trying to fluff me up to get what they wanted. And turned out to be true but because my family also doesn't treat me nice I never trusted anybody else would so every time I got treated nice I didn't think it was real because that's not my normal. Than this heartbreaking that is earth-shattering that is very upsetting to know. So now I'm just going to get the rest of my cry out because I'm really close to being home and then I'm also told her that I'm my goal is to not fake anything I'm not doing anything caring and sharing and all that stuff I just want to be left alone figure things out I just want to be myself. This really f****** rough. 

But I do know what I want and what I don't want and leaving the gym was easy even though that was the most painful decision I have made so far this year because I really wanted to stay there but couldn't keep doing that with the weight games was treating me she's never been willing to lie to me but that lie and it beat that blatant and then the double down it was just a lot I couldn't stay there with her acting like that wasn't good for me and it's not good for her either but it wasn't good for me you did not make me happy you made me upset cuz I felt like I was being used and fluffed up for no reason. But maybe I was because she still hasn't said anything and she has my messages it probably is that it's awesome. Because I don't know cuz I don't trust people and I trusted her and I felt like I could but that's why I did so that's why it's so triggering because that relationship pulls out a lot of stuff from the shadows that I hadn't pinpoint it quite yet and now that I know what it is it's just added layers and layers of complications could have been so simple should have been so simple and since and now they're not. So I've got my goals I've got the things that I want to do the things that I need to be focusing on I'm going to try to do that I just I'm very f******

This is my new normal. I'm talking to her solidified that this is a new discovery but it's not a new experience. That f****** sucks. Sorry I'm just going to go home take a tiny bit of edible just to come a little nerves and I'm going to go to Sonic first to go get me a little drinky drink and then I'm going to go home.

~

Britney also asked me if I could go if there was somewhere I could go this weekend. So she's wanting me to get out of the house because she asked me if I could probably go back to Audrey's and I was like I don't know my house lol. But as soon as I stopped doing my voice to text on my way home and I was getting ready to like be my feelings and crowd a little bit more Maddie sent me a text. Not a text you sent me an Instagram message. My God damn it is a sun. Which is great because I need it f***

I know it's it's literally as soon as I stop doing voice to text I'm going over all the things about therapy and today and I get that text that message from Maddie I'm like okay confirmation that I'm going to be okay I'm going to be fine. 

I ust didn't know this was the life I was living but now that I do know the question is what do I do next?

~

Maybe it is best Candice doesn't reach out. I know she has the ability to be safe but I don't know if she has the will. 

~

Today was a huge deal for me. (I'm high right now too lol)

Talking to Brittany made things real. I almost had a panic attack on my way home.

Her response to me wasn't to get me to rethink or second guess. She had been preparing for that realization to hit me because she knew it was there. 

She knew my family wasn't treating me in the best way. She knew they didn't love me the way I needed to be loved. That's how she explained it. 

"They love you the way they know how to love you"

That's radical acceptance.

And my life is now changed forever.

I had a choice to make: downplay and dismiss or keep moving forward.

And choosing the keep moving forward is the right one but I'm making it because I want to and I deserve to.

I almost had a panic attack because everything around me feels real again. I feel like I'm in the driver's seat. I'm not going through the motions. I'm doing the really hard work.

The mere thought sort of jolts me from almost disassociating to being pulled back into myself.

This is my life. This is the truth about my life, my family, my circumstances.

This is the truth about me.

I didn't know I was traumatized until 2023. That was literally last year.

I was 27.

27 years of my life I spent having no idea that things were bad, unhealthy.

It's only been a year since I found that out and ohmygah it's a hard fucking hit. 

I was not present in my life for 27 years. 

27 years of going through the motions, being beat up, being mentally pushed around, being admonished, ridiculed, gaslit-- all to keep me tame.

27 years of beating myself up, feeling defeated, unimportant, unappreciated, feeling unworthy. 

27 years of explaining away my feelings to keep my mind safe inside my body.

27 years of rose-colored lenses. 

Fuck. This is a drastic change.

27 years is literally almost my entire lifespan to date. 

Fuck. 

~

Aaaaaaaand (I know I'm high) but I'm definitely having an existential crisis lol.

Grrrrrrrreeeeeeaaat. Great. 

~

It feels like I'm too grown to be in this fucking house. 

It feels like my bubble popped. My eyes are opened. 

Feels like I've been jolted into my correct mental state. 

It feels like a curse been broken. It feels like I discovered the wizard of Oz and he really isn't special. 

It feels like I'vr been blind to who I am. It feels like I'm me now. 

It feels like my life is changing. It's surreal. 

It feels like I can stride, walk with pride if I dare. 

I'm 29 years old sleeping on a twin bed in my mother's house with my siblings still. 

It is fucked.  

Ohmygah.

My trauma response to my family was fight and freeze this whole time. 

And when I tried to flee in college, I was pulled back in 

I have got to get out of here. 

And I'm aware that some people enjoy living at home, yada yada but this is about me. 

I'm literally pulling my hair out I'm so unhappy.

I'm 29, living at home with my parent, and they're coming down on me for trying to be happy. That's fucking backwards lol. 

~

Therapy is just people walking in in a deep sleep, going "I think something is wrong" but they don't know they're asleep. Just sleepwalking their life w way

I believe a therapist's job is slowly help you wake up. 

It's like in the cryo-whatever things in the space movies. It's the thing that passengers sleep in for journeys across galaxies.

It's like I've been in one of those sleep chambers and Brittany has just been slowly waking me up. 

(What a long way to reiterate the same point but with a very similar analogy lol)

~

It's the ultimate plot twist. 

This is self worth.