i can take care of myself

It hit me while I was deciding whether or not to lotion my face. 

Cocoa butter is part of my set of EMDR resources. I remember telling Malaina putting it on makes me feel like I'm taking care of myself, like I can take care of myself.

I have felt like I couldn't take care of myself.

Even now, since I was depressed, I stopped really putting much effort into my outfits, stopped washing my face, i haven't worn earrings in weeks. And I've had this fear of becoming fat if I quit the gym that didn't make since. But now I get it. I'm scared of I quit the gym, I'll stop taking care of myself.

I can take care of myself. I know I can. 

Also, life really is the fucking Matrix.

I have been living in toxic relationships for my entire life and my therapists are my what's his face lol.

Therapy is an offer of blue or red pill.

In order to work on things, to make a difference, it requires you to wake up to reality. And if you choose not to, you'll still be safe in the space that you're in, safe because its the routine you're used to but you won't be able to accomplish what your heart's desires and live life fully.

That's what she meant by finding safety in routine. We all do it, healthy and unhealthy. 

That's why habits are so hard to break. Because we've built them for safety and our fear is when we break them, we will no longer be safe.

That's why the burden of truth is heavy. That's why changing the status quo is challenging.

~

I'm on my way to work. My eyes are tired I do feel a little out of my body but I'm managing. I was thinking this morning because I know he is going to have questions about why I'm at I'm upset. She already asked Andrea the night I was crying so I'm sure she's teaming up the proper way to ask me directly. And I was thinking about what I'm going to tell her if she does and I have landed here

If life no. If in life we are all born with wings, my trauma makes me feel like I can't fly. Even though in my mind I know I have all the criteria, I've checked off all the boxes to know that if I take flight I'm going to be okay, I also feel like in my body if I do take flight I'm not going to be okay I'm going to be unsafe. It's made me very unsure of my own ability to take care of myself.

~

I am mentally exhausted. 

~

I have a reminder set up to remind to feel my feelings instead of intellectualizing them.

More body, less story. 

~

I made a point to Andrea I hope she caught this morning.

When I leave my family, I'm done. I'm out. It's not a space I need to or want to be in anymore.

She was saying that once I leave, I'd want to be around my family more and I won't be as upset with them. Basically, that relationship would get better.

And that reminded me of how she feels about Candice.

So I said no. And I explained that for some reason people always give family that benefit because they're family, but we're quick to write off strangers who may treat us the same way

I will not be making excuses for family that treats us just as poorly just because they're family. 

I can understand and still want to remove myself.

I deserve better than unhealthy and dysfunction. From any and everyone.

I won't hate them but I will not be leaving the door open either. They show no remorse, no shame, and have been manipulative. 

If things change in the future, fine. But I'm not spearheading fixing anything because I've tried to do that for 29 years.

The real difference between my family and Candice is I never lied to myself about Candice.

~

I'm really scared and nervous right now.

I called to check on my Credit score, I went to the website they gave me and there's still no real indication as to what happened.

I opened up a card to transfer my balance at 0% interest. 

I'm starting a night time routine. 

I picked out a cute outfit for tomorrow and I put earrings in. 

I'm really trying to use my routine to remind myself that I can take care of myself.

Because I can take care of myself.

I did check my hair again and my bald spot has gotten bigger but I'm trying to remind myself of why it got bigger. It was the only way I could take care of myself in the emotional turmoil. 

Now I'm being more mindful about that. 

My hair will grow back. My hair will be my reminder of how far I've come. 

I can take care of myself.

If I can do this ok feeling like I can't take care of myself, I know I can do even better now that I know I can take care of myself and I have a better support system. 

~

Even at my worst, in my ignorance of my circumstances, in my effort, my therapist encouraged my dream to be a therapist.

She saw that in me even when I was so restless, unsure, and unaware of so much.