35PC - painfully floating

I woke up feeling refreshed but also trapped. 

So I cleaned up my Facebook Friends and removed my family during the process. 

I am in fight or fight. I don't want to put on earrings still. I threw on a dress because I could slip it over my bra and shorts I slept in.

I don't know what I'm gonna do. 

~

I feel hopeless and helpless. 

And now, quite literally trapped. 

Weather is not great here. There was a tornado this past weekend and now there's a thunderstorm watch.

I don't want to be here. I almost just got in my car and went in anyway. 

I'm tempted to risk my life to get away from these people. 

~

I just got in my car and Andrea texted me back.

We're working from home until later. 

FUCK. I DON'T WANNA BE HERE. 

I should've just went in.

~

And now I'm crying at my desk at home. 

I already had one breakdown in the bathroom this morning. 

~

I am not ok. 

I feel really alone and cornered and helpless. 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. 

~

My body feels unfamiliar. I almost threw up in the bathroom this morning. My head feels funny. 

~

And now I'm ugly crying. I'm combing through work emails and Troy wished me the biggest Happy Birthday.

I'm not a bad person. I'm not mean. I'm not lazy. 

I'm fucking trying. I'm always trying. 

~

I'm panicking.

I got her a job with my boss. She works directly for the owner of my company.

What did I do?

Is she gonna bad talk me to him? Is she gonna try and get me fired? Is she gonna ask him to pay me more? 

What line is she gonna cross next?

~

I don't know what I'm doing. 

I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. 

It feels like I don't know what I'm doing. 

I feel alone and scared with no where to go. 

~

I don't think I can take anymore hits right now. 

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I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot.

I feel like an idiot.

~

I'm not happy.

I was just happy. 

~

I don't trust my family. I don't feel safe.

I'm so uncertain. I feel so uncertain.

~

Maybe I am sharing too much. 

I thought I was doing a good job but maybe I'm not. 

~

I feel like I have ruined everything. 

~

I started reading Whole Again.

It just felt like it was time and, fortunately, it sounds like exactly where I am.

His advice is to lean into the discomfort when I can and let the ugly voices out. Don't conceal and hide them and pretend. They're here for a reason and shouldn't be trapped.

He says it's how you develop a relationship with your whole self, being mindful of how you really feel even if my ugly thoughts are untrue. 

I've buried all these feelings and they're just pouring out. 

He calls them repressed feelings. 

Instead of my body feeling numb, he says it will turn into feelings and emotions.

~

Ohmygah I called Candice fucked up. She's gonna think I'm crazy. 

~

His suggested mantra: More body, less story...

Don't use story telling to explain away your feelings. Feel them.

Radical Acceptance. 

~

I was so mean to Candice. She's never gonna talk to me again.

I wouldn't blame her. 

~

Maybe we just aren't good for each other.

~

Book stuff: 

Apparently I'm supposed to offer myself love instead of beating myself up, seeking revenge, etc. I'm supposed to acknowledge that I am suffering and offer myself love as I move forward. 

~

More book stuff:

My heart is my way home. 

~

Book stuff:

Thinking my way through feelings is how I protect myself.

Feeling my feelings is the goal.

My protective self is doing and analyzing.

My challenge is to just sit and feel and stop feeding my protective self.

~

I'm doing a voice recording memo to talk to text whatever. The book did also talk about having an internal love in whatever spiritual Force you look for or you have hang your life. And I wasn't going to write about that part because I have been on the fence about God during all of these things cuz I don't like this journey sometimes very hard wouldn't it take and I am nervous about if it's worth it or not sometimes. And about if he's actually paying any attention or giving any help or doing all things. Like I know he is but also it's just hard it's really hard. But I do want to write here about it because two things that happened recently that I haven't said anything about lately. 

It's really three things but we'll go and number one first my cousin gave me a gift from her and her mom for my birthday to $25 a piece and I had just finished buying fundraiser cookies for a friend back home for her daughter and I sent them to Britney's house as a surprise gift the same way to the popcorn last year. And as soon as I finish paying for it I got that message from her that it was $50 in my cash at. the next thing is at Andrew's house the weather was really really bad like there was a tornado in the area kind of sorted we got a bunch of bad winds apparently at her house. I didn't know I slept like a baby and I woke up and Andre was like did you not hear any of that you didn't wake up this morning sounds like no and Robert was like there was a tornado here and I was like excuse me or what. I'm just like no it wasn't a tornado but it was really really bad like everything it was really loud and I don't know how you didn't wake up. And that kind of reminds me of that story in the Bible where she's going to sleep on that boat and all that stuff is happening and he peaceful and calm and everybody else is freaking out. And the last thing was this morning after all that stuff that happened last night with my parents and my sister with my mom and my sisters. Cuz apparently a really bad storm again last night and I woke up feel great journal entry says it for itself. what about sister was complaining about trees being down everywhere yada yada yada she didn't want to go to work. I thought she was just over exaggerated because she does that and partially she was and I went outside and there was a tree down near her car like it had missed it like an inch and the leaves from the tree were like brushing up against her vehicle. 

I know God is ventral as much as he is protective I know god is vengeful as much as he is protective. So I'm wondering if maybe that has something to do with the events that have occurred recently is that a sign for me and for them is that a reminder for me and for them I don't know. But it did happen and it makes me a little curious. I don't know.

~

Andrea gets it but she's also logical so she was like "yeah, you are living there so you do need to contribute" yadda yadda.

And I get that. 

But I'm also being taken advantage of, lied to, manipulated, and backed into a corner. 

~

I just found out that I don't think my mother is a good person and she definitely does not have my best interest at heart. 

It's not the situation, it's the circumstance. 

~

I'm keeping my fucking dog. 

I will continue to pay for her. Idk how but I will. 

I'm not sharing her with them. I don't want to be connected to them anymore than I have to.

~

I have just let it out today.

I tried to hold it together but couldn't. 

So I told the girls I'll be crying at work today but I'll be fine.

I just don't understand why my family can't support me in a healthier way. 

I'm being villainized.

I also think I'm gonna have to stop Tithing. I'm sorry God, idk what to do anymore.

If I give it, I'm gonna feel like I need it.

If I don't, I'm gonna feel guilty and cursed and more and more I'm wondering if that was a lie too.

But I have been sniffing, and huffing and puffing while I work.

And then I started crying again because I got an invite to Mia's baby shower!

~

I also scheduled a consultation with my therapist for tomorrow.

Hopefully she's free. 

~

This entire time my family has made me feel crazy. They played off of my hope and my trust and gaslit me to keep me in line.

And now that I know they are the problem and I'm not crazy, I almost wish I was. 

~

My family doesn't like me.

That's a very hurtful rejection. 

~

Every time someone is nice to me it just reminds me that I am nice and kind and its my my own family isn't. 

~

My mom is not who I thought she was. 

When have they ever been genuine with me. 

~

The second I stopped taking care of them, they throw me to fucking slaughter. 

I mean nothing to them if I'm not worth something to them. 

~

Well I'm leaving work and I talked to Andrea some more. But there are certain things she knows she doesn't get and I do love that about her cuz she will be honest about it. So I feel better I was telling her it's just grieving the fact that I'm losing relationships I thought were something else I'm finding out there and that way I thought they were. Very hard to know you've been lied to and because I figure out how long have you been lied which is kind of figured out because she was like yeah that I'd get that with my mom how she was manipulate me to get what she wanted and then be buddy buddy just because. But then I also explained how I've been pulling away from Mom for a while now I left the job she gave me to work for her, I stop hanging out with them on the weekends, I stopped hanging out with him around the house, I just stopped entertaining them because I didn't want to push them to be what I wanted them to be I just wanted to do their own thing and me do mine and then it's coming to this. 

Andres also not a fan of candace. It's irritating but it's also funny cuz like that's not mistake to make it to the mistake and she's always like yeah that could be why you're confused about women because of like your family problems I'm not confused about women. Not completely lol. I know how I feel it's just I don't know if I want that because I don't know if I want intimacy with anyone it's not because it's a girl it's just you get it. I understand. And it's not me saying you and I like I'm talking to myself it's just that lol. I know I don't like intimacy and I never expected to want it with the girl so I'm like is this valid yesterday I'm not confused it's just like oh that's new I wonder if I'll like it it's interesting I'm interested

I'll tell Andrea like the plans haven't changed. I'm still making it my go to move out in a gear. I just didn't expect it to be like this. I didn't expect him to be this mean ugly. I knew she didn't get it this morning I knew she's kind of trying to water down last night to make me feel better but I can see the look on her face when she was putting pieces together about different stuff I was telling her about growing up and what that was like. And then recently when I started pulling up my mom last year what that was like. So now it's just like oh okay I see now he's also going to help me take my budget because I told her I was looking for a second job and I'll try to not tell her it's just like what and I was like I just don't want to move back in if I move back out to be certain I am not going back there. That's how I brain works I don't want to be absolutely sure worst case scenario does not look like me going back to my mother's house where I'm welcome but I'm not comfortable and I'm not I don't feel safe. she's like you aren't leaving here are you and I was like no I'm not leaving here I just want to make sure I have the money I need. So she's going to help me but just like you're making a lot of money for a single person and I was like yeah I guess lol. I also don't think she knows like I know she bought a house and stuff and places are not as expensible not expensive places are not as cheap as they used to be and I'm looking for the it's another word that's not cheap but I can't think of what it is they're not as affordable 

The whole thing is she don't want me to be his dad and stay sad like I'm not going to stay sad but I am going to sit in it because it's years and years are not feeling it and thinking I was wrong and now find out I'm right and all the stuff that comes with that that's difficult and that's hard and it's not easy. I've been trying to not be sad by choosing to ignore my problems for 20 something years and now that they're finally coming out to be what they are I need to take the time to be sad. So that's what I'm going to do and I don't like it. zero out of 10 not my favorite not a fan but I understand how helpful and how healthy it is to get it out so that's what I'm trying to do 

I'll be fine I'm not going to be when I'm gone I'm gone I'm not reaching back I'm not going to be oh my God yes let's hang out this weekend let's do something no they've treated me like s*** that relationship is going to change but still nothing because it's my life. It's my life.

~

I also removed Candice from my Instagram search bar. I was secretly keeping up with if she's posted or not that way and I chose to let that go in my crying times today.