34PC - maybes

I spent last night and this morning reading old entries about Candice early on.

I saw and read a lot of stuff that still registers with me but now it's more impactful after all the things that have happened between us. 

I'm no longer in my not and Nevers era lol. But I'm gonna try to settle into my Maybes. 

Maybe we'll find each other again. I sure as shit hope so. 

After everything, I still feel how I feel and there were a lot of similarities in the Instagram message I sent her and the second letter I wrote for her to purge my feelings.

It was nice and peaceful to see that my sentiments are the same after all this time. 

~

Updates on today with no context (none of it was hateful)

- Robert said nigga today and I had to carefully pick that battle

- Andrea does internalize alot. She has a habit of reflecting her own questions at you for your opinion 

- It was awkward after Robert said it. Andrea did not like it and she was trying to smooth things over but it was so awkward after that. I think she may be more upset than she let on

- As soon as I got closer to home, I started feeling nauseous but like the nausea was stuck in my chest. 

- I'm not happy at home. Idk if I ever will be. 

~

And now I'm home and my mother is already starting in.

I sent them a screenshot of Nola's prescription expiring in 30 days so I didn't forget. 

I get home and she sends a text that my rent is going from $250 to $400. For a house I didn't pick out, I'm being lied to about the lease, and I already told her I couldn't afford $500 so she knocked it down to $400.

What kind of shit is that?!

Again, I am not happy on my home. 

And now I'm texting in a group chat about things that could literally be talked about in person. 

Fuck them. I want out. 

I want out of this house. 

I want to move out. I don't want to live with them. 

I don't want to live with a house full of people I can't trust. 

~

My family is not nice. They're not kind.

They're not kind.

I haven't even been home that long and I'm being cornered so I'm done with treading lightly.

And while I'm on the toilet crying about these texts, she's on the phone cackling about something else as if this doesn't affect her. 

They kiss my ass over the phone, they fawn over me in person, but then I get this:

I'm being bullied by my family-- my fucking mother. 

I don't know if I'm gonna have a place to live. I don't know if I'm gonna have a place to stay. I don't know if I'm gonna have a home.

I can literally hear her carrying on, on the phone cackling as if she's not having it out with me. 

~

I haven't even been at home 2 hours and I'm already crying in the bathroom. And I'm fucking high because I thought tonight would just be me settling in to regulate my emotions before work tomorrow.

~

I have literally spent time and so much fucking effort towards accepting my situation, not making emotional decisions, trying to work on staying regulated.

I come home to a passive aggressive ambush. 

People who love you should never treat you this way. 

~

Maybe my family isn't good for me.

Maybe they really are the reason my guard is up and my head is fucked. 

~

And now I'm crying and I'm not gonna hide it. 

I'm so fucking tired.

These people do not care about me. 

~

I reached out to my sister to see about getting a second job.

And since my mother is treating my like I'm stupid, I played into that and now her true colors are starting to show:

~

And just like that, my world has turned upside down.

I have only been 29 for four days. 

And I still feel like this is my fault. 

She is choosing to gaslight me. She is choosing to bully me. She is choosing to force my hand by giving me an ultimatum. 

What have I done? What am I going to do?

What the fuck is happening?

Why is she talking to me like this? Why is she talking to me that way?

Where is all of this coming from?

~

I'm in hell. I'm in hell. I'm in hell. 

What the fuck do I do? What the fuck am I going to do?

I have no where to go. I cannot afford full rent anywhere. I'm not gonna have anywhere to live. 

Am I gonna be homeless?

~

Why is she doing this? 

I literally got her a job with my boss. 

She's been lying to me. She's been using me.

Who is this person? Have I been this blind?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

What has my life become?

Why is this happening?

Why is any of this happening?

What have I done? What did I do?

This feels so unreal.

~

I say all that but remember:

My sister joined the military to get away from my family 

I endured mental abuse from my sister, unchecked for years

I became physical to release pent up anger one my parents and sister but I only ever hit my sister.

I have one sister that tried to kill herself in high school.

I have another sister than was sexually assaulted by our cousin before she was even 13.

My family has been fucked for a long time.

I think that's what I've been blocking out. My brain wasn't blocking off trauma to protect me.

I was blocking out the truth to so I could live a lie of love and safety. 

~

They don't need me anymore. 

They don't want me around.

I'm being played. I'm being lied to.

This is why I question my reality. This is why I gaslight myself. 

I feel like I don't know what's real anymore. 

I used to always complain about my family being hot and cold. 

I hated it. It made my blood boil when they'd be nice to me one day and then treat me like shit the next.

It's the same thing, the same pattern.  

~

Now I'm slowly thinking that maybe I was being overly emotional. 

Maybe I...am I being irrational?

Am I making smart decisions?

This is why I don't do intimacy.

This is what I mean.

~

Do people like me or do they pity me?

Do people read my therapy posts and feel embarrassed for me?

Am I too vulnerable? Am I oversharing?

Am I putting a target on my back?

And I think I am gonna quit CrossFit.

I need the money, I don't have a gym. 

I was just considering staying where I was. 

But I think I'm just gonna quit next month. 

It is triggering for me, I need the money and it's just time.

I need to give up. 

~

I need to start running and start meditating again. 

~

Ok. No. 

I'm not gonna do this to myself.

I'm gonna start running on Thursdays.

I'm gonna play this gym thing out. 

I'm gonna pay off my credit card. 

I'm not gonna make big decisions when I'm dysregulated. 

~

Maybe I'm brave. 

But maybe I'm stupid. 

~

I'm changing my beneficiary information over in every system I can. 

~

I am freaking the fuck out. 

I'm pulling my hair. 

I am not ok right now.

And I'm a little afraid of my family. 

~

I think I'm just gonna keeps journaling because it keeps my hands busy. 

If my gut has been right about my family, maybe it was right about Candice?

I can't believe I'm being treated this way. 

Why am I being treated this way?

~

"What is Complex PTSD? Complex trauma, or Complex PTSD, results from repeated, often ‘invisible’ childhood experiences of maltreatment, abuse, neglect, and situations in which the child has little or no control or any perceived hope to escape. Growing up in an environment full of unpredictability, danger, parental inconsistencies, or emotional abandonment, these individuals are left with ’hidden traumas’ that disrupt not only their psychological but also neurological and emotional development. These invisible forms of trauma is what we call Complex Trauma, or Complex PTSD."

"...Complex trauma caused by a toxic family dynamic is detrimental because it is usually invisible. On the surface, we look just fine. We were provided with all the material things we needed; clothing, food etc. But the way that we feel inside does not coincide with what our appearance portrays. There is sometimes the pressure to keep up the illusion of a “normal happy child from a normal happy family”. Our parents and society tell us we are well, but the fact that we did not feel this way growing up makes us confused."

"...Toxic Family Dynamic 2: Parentification

Parental guidance and protection are crucial in developing a sense of safety and foundation within our psyche. Some parents, however, cannot provide this due to insufficient emotional resources. If this is the case, the parent-child roles are reversed; the child becomes the parent, and the parent becomes the child. This parent-child role reversal is known as parentification, which can form a toxic family dynamic.

Generally, there are two types of parentification. Emotional parentification happens when the child becomes the parent’s emotional support. This could occur when a parent shares the innermost details of their anxieties and worries with the child – intimate details the child is really too young to process.

Instrumental parentification is when the child engages in physical labor and support in the household, such as doing the housework, cooking, cleaning, taking care of younger siblings, and other “adult” responsibilities.

Of the two types, emotional parentification has the direst consequences in terms of childhood development. In psychological terms, it is considered a form of abuse, exploitation, and neglect that is difficult to respond to. Some experts even call this ’emotional incest.’

Parentification can happen in several ways; the parent was behaving child-like, confiding in the child on sensitive matters, or relating with the child as a peer or close friend. If we had been put in these situations, we would feel obliged to step up to the role in order to deserve the parent’s love. The effects on our sense of self-worth and our idea about love are far-reaching, though not immediately apparent.

Parentification is a boundary violation. You were forced to grow up faster than you should. You had nobody to look up to or rely on for guidance. You had to learn and accept that your needs would not be met and that having your own dreams and desires was not acceptable. As a result, you learn to shove your feelings down. You learn to deny your innermost thoughts and ignore your own needs so you can avoid disappointing your parents.

When parentified, you had to parent your siblings as well. You might end up feeling as if you fell short or like you failed because, by default, it is impossible for a child to perfectly fill the role of a parent. You may also feel guilty when you have to leave home (e.g. when you go to college and have to ‘leave our siblings behind’). Psychologically, you feel like a parent walking out on their children.

There is no way we could have helped our parents with their emotional pains or many dissatisfactions with their lives. You believe it was your fault and that you were not enough. This affects you even as you grow into adults. You have an overly obligated sense of responsibility in relationships and may overcompensate for this. You do not learn to say “no” or to recognize when to stop giving. You are always too eager to help or rescue other people from pain and might be attracted to partners that take more than they give. Eventually, you can become emotionally drained and fatigued.

What makes the situation worse is your difficulties in getting angry at your parents. When we were parentified, we intellectually understood that they did not mean to be abusive and were just limited or vulnerable. As sensitive children, you felt very compassionate and protective of your parents. This protective instinct hinders you from admitting the truth of what you have been deprived of.

Ongoing research has proven that this sort of abuse is a risk factor in a child’s normal development, this is why it is considered a toxic family dynamic. It leaves deep emotional wounds that endure into adulthood. Behavioral manifestations that begin in childhood tend to become worse in adulthood, making it challenging to maintain healthy relationships.

As the primary caregiver for your parents and siblings, there is often no emotional support, no safety net. For the most part, you were expected to keep it together and never show signs of distress. As adults, you may have trouble saying “no” to people. You are often unable to express anger and have a hard time trusting others"

" Toxic Family Dynamic 5: Competition and Oppression

Parenthood comes with an array of emotions; anger, joy, grief, pride, and so on. While it is not commonplace to talk about it in society, jealousy is one of these emotions that parents can feel towards their children. When this envy is unmanaged, it becomes a toxic family dynamic and erodes the health of the whole family system.

Parents with unfulfilling lives may be particularly threatened by seeing what their children have— opportunities that were not available to them in their youth. As they watch their children grow, their childhood wounds are reopened, and they go back psychologically to when they themselves were children. Sometimes, parents even begin to perceive their children as competitors.

This becomes a paradox. On the one hand, parents genuinely want their children to succeed. On the other hand, they feel intimidated seeing their children more beautiful and more successful than they were or are. They may feel betrayed as the child becomes more independent, considering how much time and energy they have sacrificed for the child. Parents who are not self-conscious may exhibit their resentment and envy in dysfunctional ways. They may give their children backhanded or sarcastic compliments, subtle criticism, or even more direct attacks and scorn.

Generally, parents are their children’s first role models. However, when role models insult us for our accomplishments or put us down, we begin to develop low self-esteem and hate ourselves. As adults, we may feel very guilty or ashamed of our successes in life. We may even sabotage ourselves, stay average, and purposely underachieve.

Carl Jung explains that nothing has a stronger psychological influence on children than the unlived lives of parents. Although it does not justify how they behave, most competitive parents at a point in their childhood were victims of a toxic family dynamic or deprivation. They find it difficult to give positive feedback to their children because they never had it themselves."

"Our brain is designed to protect us; when we come across a particularly difficult or traumatic situation, it will be stored in a way that is ‘frozen in time’ as complex trauma. We may not even remember it. We are not sure what triggers us, but our suppressed memories come out in the form of uncontrollable mood swings, persistent sadness, depression, and explosive anger."

"5. You Are Fearful Of Intimacy And Love

If you have been trapped by toxic family dynamics for a long time, potentially, trust, interdependence, and acceptance all require a degree of vulnerability that your wounded skin finds too hard to bear.

If you do not feel welcomed into the world, you may always feel like an outcast, someone with no hope of finding belongingness in the world. All our life, you are caught between the intense need for kinship and the extreme fear of contact.

After having been betrayed by those who were supposed to love and support you, you may unconsciously decide that you can no longer take any pain and disappointment. You think if you stop hoping or believing in anything or anyone, you can avoid the inevitable letdown. Instilled in your subconscious is the belief that it is risky to have hope and expectations, so to avoid disappointment you don’t attach to anyone or anything. Suppressing painful memories consumes a tremendous amount of energy. If you bury your betrayal complex trauma without processing it, you may relate to the world through the lens of grudge and suspicion and push people away."

"Retreating from closeness does not necessarily mean isolating ourselves entirely, but we may feel the need to conceal parts of our authentic selves. On the surface, we are social, but we don’t get close to anyone. Or maybe we settle for false- closeness in sex but never commit to knowing anyone in depth. We hide our passionate, loving selves, and become cold, cynical, and sarcastic. Withdrawing into our shells whenever we feel vulnerable also means not being able to take in support and love from others.

Eventually, we lose hope in finding anyone who can understand us."

"As adults, any kind of distance, even a brief and benign one, may trigger you to re-experience the original pain of being left alone, dismissed, or disdained. Your fear could trigger coping survival modes such as denial, clinging, avoidance, dismissing others, lashing out in relationships, or the pattern of sabotaging relationships to avoid potential rejection.

Fear of rejection or abandonment may also cause you to put up with a damaging relationship or stay in an abusive one. The message that you received from your toxic family dynamics unhealed wounds tells you that being mistreated or degraded is still better than being on your own."

Fuck. It's all there in black and white. 

All I did was search for "toxic family cptsd'

https://eggshelltherapy.com/sensitivity-and-childhood-trauma/#:~:text=Complex%20trauma%2C%20or%20Complex%20PTSD,any%20perceived%20hope%20to%20escape.