33PC - the life I want

I am a 29 year old, single, black woman and I spent the weekend making chunky cable knit blankets, bitch! And with my white friends and their family lol!

I'm high, hello!

I never expected this for myself in my life but I'm so happy being an outcast for my interests never stopped me from living my life the way I want. 

I spent the weekend away from my family enjoying the company of another that makes me feel more at home.

Andrea told me today that she was genuinely really excited about making these blankets.

I through it out there as an idea because I always wanted to make one and I figured she is into stuff like that so she might be into it. Turns out, she'd been eyeing these blankets for a while and she said they were so expensive to buy she'd thought about making them. So she was really happy when I brought it up because she was like 'ohmygah I can do the blankets I've been wanting'

And I know we'd shared a moment earlier that day when we saw that Hobby Lobby was closed. I was like 'dang she's probably not gonna wanna do it' And she was like 'let's try Walmart' So we went but then we couldn't find the chunky Chantilly yarn. So I got sad but was like 'we can make something else's and she was like 'i only wanna do the blankets' I thought she was probably secretly happy to not do the blankets because she never wanted to. So she left me the basket of stuff we'd grabbed and starting browsing the store, all defeated. 

But then we accidentally ran into the yarn we needed! She got excited, I got excited, and I ran back to grab our basket lol. 

So that made me so happy when she told that story. Because I was genuinely interested and she was too!! 

There also a really sweet moment in Walmart that Andrea had. She'd asked Robert earlier what color blanket he wanted and he said yellow. So when we found this yarn, she was like 'awww they don't have yellow" so she chose a color that would match their new rug. And she was explaining it to Robert when we got back, and then she talked about it in passing later, making the blanket for him and stuff and it made me so happy because she genuinely was going to make him a blanket in his favorite color and got sad when she couldn't. 

And I know it's small and should be a normal thing, but for me it's a big deal because I'm more used to people lying over stupid things like that to get their way. Which is fucking sad, I know.

But, in my life, someone I know would say that they'll make a friend yellow blanket but then when we get to the store and find the yellow but then see a color they like more, they'd just grab the color they like because "they making the blanket anyways and they should ne able to pick a color they like." And they would just lie to their friend and say they didn't have yellow so I got this instead, downplaying the fact that they got what they wanted to upsell the lie that the store didn't have the yellow they were supposed to get. 

You can see why my mind is a little fucked, right?

People shouldn't treat people that way. 

This is why I have a problem with lying and manipulating.

I've seen it my life. I've experienced it my whole life. And I've never liked it. 

Ohmygah...

I'm probably not bad at lying because I'm just bad at it. I'm probably bad at it because deep down I know it's wrong and I'd never want it done to me so why would I do it to someone else. 

Fuck...

Again, I'm only 29.

I was talking about stocks with Robert, I'm making blankets with Andrea...

I've always been so much older mentally then I actually am.

My mind has accelerated my maturity thanks to trauma. 

That's why I liked shows like Golden Girls, Three's Company, Good Times, The Jefferson's, The Beverly Hillbilly's as a kid. 

Kids shouldn't have to be mature. 

I shouldn't have had to be mature. 

I didn't want to tell my mother that I was sexually assaulted by my Godbrother because I didn't want to upset her. 

I didn't tell her about me being uncomfortable with him because I wanted to protect her feelings. 

I was like 13. 

And you know why I was more pissed than shocked about my mom not leaving the church after the way they treated me? 

Because she didn't protect my sister from been sexually assaulted by our cousin. She didn't protect herself by leaving my dad. She had a history of never setting boundaries but complaining all the time. 

So I was just next in line to be a problem she was going to end up ignoring to keep her status quo. 

So I had an absent father present every day who completely abandoned his first family even though they lived in the same town with us and lied to everyone for forever to selfishly have the life he wanted, everyone else's peace and joy be damned. 

And a mother who would risk almost anything to not make any waves in her life, whether they be beneficial or inconsequential because she probably finds security in the seeming regularity of her status quo. That's also probably why she keeps exploring to a minimum. She hardly ever eats new things, she likes to go to the same stores every weekend-- her monotony of behavior was a huge contingency I had. 

I didn't like what either of my parents had to offer but it was all I had. 

So I made it work. 

I should not have had to do that. 

I wonder if that's truly why I threw myself into reading and learning. 

Reading, I know was an escape for me. I get to leave my life and experience one in this other world on paper. And I was smart enough to use books against my mom. I knew she could take my TV but, because she always pushed me to do well in school, I knew she would never take my books because she couldn't justify it. So I'd rub it in her face whenever I'd get in trouble and she'd take my TV. I'd say something like "that's fine, I'm just gonna read" But as I got older she'd do things like no TV and no lights so I couldn't read in the dark. So I bought a book light you could attach to the pages but I'd either got that taken from me or she'd be happy when my battery died. 

Learning because I am sure I thought if I was smart, adults would take me seriously. I can't be treated like a dumb kid and dismissed if I'm smart. And I was good at learning and even though my parents hardly budged, it felt good to get recognized by other adults for my accomplishments.

It felt good to be recognized for my accomplishments...

It felt good to be recognized for doing good...

I may have just accidentally landed in my kink.

...it felt good to be a good girl. 

Oh shit.