32PC - sending it

I'm sending her one last message:

I'm really sorry for that last email. 

Something so special to me blew up in the most unexpected way and it just kept happening and I finally cracked. 

Our interactions over those last few days, your girlfriend reaching out to me, and then finding out something else really triggered a bunch of ugly stuff for me. Stuff that would usually be enough for me to write any and everyone off. 

But I just found myself missing you more. 

You really hurt my feelings and I never expected that from you and everything that followed made me so angry. So I wanted to make you feel what I felt because I still wanted you after all of that and it scared the shit out of me.

I wish things were different. I wish things could be different. 

The only reason I tried to make things work between us is because I really like you. And if you're as fucked up as me (no offense), yes-- I really like you, the person you are at your core. I set boundaries between us because I didn't want what you were willing to give me. I didn't want to be your friend because it was never going to be enough. And I couldn't ask you for more because it wasn't my place. All I could do is tell you how I felt and move on as best as I could. 

I do not date and I do not do intimacy because my most formative relationships have turned out to be very volatile. 

With you, I had a little more hope because you felt safe.

If things ever change, know that my feelings haven't. 

~

I'm sending it now because I have the rest of this weekend to distract me. 

I know I'm just being honest and vulnerable but I have never felt so unhinged ohmygah. 

~

I mean, overall, personally? 10/10 lol

It's exactly how I feel, it opens the door for her if she over wants it...

She's gonna propose to her girlfriend, isn't she? After all of everything, she's probably gonna make some big gesture if she hasn't already.

What if I'm too late, this time around?

Will there be a next time?...

~

I'm at Andrea's, high and happy. 

~

So today went well overall. 

I was a little sad when I got here. It took me a while and an edible to be giddy and lean into having fun. 

There was almost a point of contingency when I brought up reaching out to Candice twice. I was a little irritated but then I remembered that Andrea doesn't want me to want Candice because she doesn't want to see me hurt.

She loves me and she doesn't know Candice. All she knows is this is the girl that confused me, made me seek special counseling, and then gaslit me. She's protective of me because she loves me. 

But I know what I know about Candice and I'm standing in my decision to set the record straight with her. I was sincere in my apology and honest in my feelings. 

Does it feel embarrassing? Useless? Pointless? Idiotic? Risky? Too vulnerable?

Yes to all of those things. 

But it's also genuine. 

Whether or not Candice is truly genuine is Candice's choice to make, respectfully even if that means hurting my feelings. 

But I no longer feel the guilt and shame of showing my ass more than I needed to and who doesn't enjoy people telling them they car about them. 

Still a little embarrassing for me because I'm sure that the only tie I had to Candice was because she could hide behind being "my coach" In her mind, her actions were justified even if she was overstepping. 

So without that cover, it's probably much easier for her to push me away. 

Which sucks and makes me sad but, again, that's her decision to make. 

I'll probably never hear from her again and that's her decision to make. 

It just fucking sucks. 

I really fucking like her. 

I want to build something real and genuine with her. I want to know her inside and out. I want to feel her touch and know what it's like to run my hands over her skin. I want to lie next to her and look into the rules of this stranger I chose to love, risk be damned. I want to--

I want her and if and when she ever reads it, she will know my truth-- again.