31PC - friday funs

I am sitting on the edge of the bed, not wanting to leave the Hobbit House.

God, this was a great trip. 

And I didn't end up being sad the whole time. 

This was exactly what I needed. 

And now I'm gonna pack up my car and go grab donuts to start my day. 

~

Donuts were good. 

I grabbed a free Chick-fil-A coffee using points.

Went to the car wash. The guy there was trying to sell me and lied about how much I frequent there. I was a little annoyed but just played around him to buy my car wash so I can get on with my day. Then he logged into the system and gave me a free one so that was cool.

And now I'm at the movies waiting to watch If. 

Aaaaaand Candice hasn't responded. I think she's ignoring me and I don't think she's gonna stop. 

~

I'm home. 

I've eaten, I'm high, I plucked my chin hairs, shavedy chin and ears and stuff. 

And I unhid my Stories from Candice, even though she has not replied and I think she's rejecting me yet and still.

~

What happens if I'm too late? What if we missed our chance?

What if she never speaks to me again?

I know I told her to do it but I was fucking lying because my feelings were hurt and I still liked her and I knew her hurting me didn't matter but it should have so I also pushed her away. 

And now what if I ruined everything?

~

I can't believe she's ignoring me. 

I can because obviously but I can't because all of everything else we've shared. 

She's really just done?

That's it? That's all she wrote?

~

I guess it's just me and my memories I'll forever cherish of her. 

A part of me knew I was fucked up for many reasons-- OCD, anxiety, CPTSD, low self esteem, etc etc etc

I had no idea just how fucked up I was until last year and now this. 

This is the first time I can remember ever regretting something so fucking much. 

And I know some of my actions were warranted but I wish I never sent her that fucking email. But I also knew if I didn't, I'd take her back if she ever came around. 

And now, here I am eating my own actions and words. 

Why didn't I see what was happening? 

And I know it's because I didn't realize my dysregulation was so bad but fuck. 

Fuck. 

And I know I've already done what I can do but it sucks. 

All of this sucks. 

Idk how she's been able to be attached to me anxiously avoidantly and still keep her wits to be honest. 

~

She's really not talking to me me. I almost wish she'd block me if she's not gonna talk to me. 

Is this how she felt that night I was avoiding her? Fuck. 

She's ignoring me. Ohmygah.

I knew she probably would but it's still shocking and hurts my feelers a little bit. 

~

I don't wanna let go. I'm not ready. 

I want us to fix things. I want us to work. 

I can't believe we've shit the bed like this. 

I can't believe I shit the bed like this. 

I really miss her and I'm scared that she's in yet another trip with her girlfriend. Is that why she hasn't blocked me? So I can see the pictures of them together?

I swear if they've moved in together over this week/weekend, the week of my birthday, I will cry for days. 

I'm also really mad at my family for hurting me the way they did. My fucked up childhood has led me to this fucked up situation and I hate it.