28PC - drained

I really feel like this is all just taking it out of me. I woke up tired and frustrated a little defeated. My car doing voice to text in my diary with all that barely want to open cuz I end up having to pull over yesterday to hyperventilate and another random parking lot for my house. Before I went home.. and as soon as I get there and an application for apps for me to fill out. And everything's very rush rush because of all the stuff she did under the table. I'm really ready for there be tomorrow and I'm ready to go on this little vacation to get some a break from all this s***. 

I did go on Facebook this morning and I saw that Dana invited me to join the DFW gay hikers to guess who's in that group now. Me b******. Some little excited about that that's look forward to you I guess. And Andrea did that she still wants to do the blankets this weekend and yesterday also got the office even though I was a little embarrassed I cried at the office and she look like a beard headlights a little bit it was so f****** funny. I'm f****** trying I'm still trying I'm a period I don't know

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I also wondered yesterday if Candice got rid of the free desk chair I gave the gym like she got rid of me.

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So today turned out to be interesting. Andrea took us to lunch today at work to celebrate Hannah's upcoming graduation and also do a little celebrate my birthday coming up. And I know she can tell I was sad cuz I kept looking at her but looking at me like I was going to explode but in a good way. I was like trying to have the best time I can but I am sad and I was like a little depressed cuz I'm like I want to have fun and I want to be doing all these things that make me happy and I'm really not doing that in this moment right now. I feel like I'm having it but I can't really enjoy it the way I really want to. So I had as much fun as I possibly could give him a circumstances in my feelings. And then we left there which well before we left, Andrea told the guy my birthday was coming up and like I forgot my birthday was coming up this is the second time it's happened it happened Monday at the gym and I was leaving and I got told me happy birthday and I was like oh that's right I did tell you that and then it happened today with andrea. but they were really nice and they're going to have a birthday at the restaurant and do all these things and I was like no please no and it was really funny really cute. So after you got back to work I went to drop off the checks at the bank and then I went to go pick up my pies for my birthday and I almost started tearing up cuz I was like I don't like this I don't like this. So I pulled it together went back to work in like had as much as a good time that I could giving my circumstances again. And then I turned out I turned up. What I want to say? I me and I stayed after work me and Andrea had another talk and we started talking about how the stuff with my family was going giving all the crazy that's been happening and we went into that. And I'll tell her about my mom and the house and I was like there's so many applications and like the lease and all these things. A long story short, I was like yeah I signed a lease and I'm trying to figure out what my sisters aren't on there because she told me that in Texas anybody over 18 has to be on the lease like you have to sign the lease. AndAndrea was like I don't want to upset you or say she's doing something she's not but I'm going to tell you the truth. And we looked at the house and she was telling me all these things while she was looking at it online and I'm signing the lease. And she was like you don't have to be a signer on the lease just because you're over 18 in this house. And she was like that's not something you have to do that does not matter she was like more than likely your mom need your credit to get this house. And she was saying that was just all so hard to stay out loud because I'm really tired of being manipulated and used and to figure out that it's happening under my nose and I had a feeling and I kind of knew but I really couldn't put my finger on it cuz I didn't know what I was looking for and hurting immediately plan out because she knew what to look for. It was helpful but also like dang I f****** knew it. she's like you don't have to be a signer on that lease she could have gotten that house without you she put you on there cuz more than likely she did it your income and she needed your credit and because your mom does your taxes she would know that information already especially the income part not too much to credit. And it didn't really break my heart or upset me but it just like was that missing puzzle piece that I needed to know I wasn't crazy. And then she was like I don't I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that and like I don't want to stir things up or like point out something that might not be a problem and I was like no I'm happy you did because I know these things but I just didn't know how to pinpoint it and figure it out really. So she told me that and I said great that's fantastic. But I was like also thank you. Cuz she didn't went out and say and what order is your name in on the lease and I was like well it's second she's like that means you're a cosigner basically the least is in her name but you are the clothes on her own this house for this please. So I'm also thinking out loud with her and I'm like well my mom had everybody fail applications unless she just doing that to put on a show to make me think that they were applying and they really weren't and what she put us in a group text to ask for $50 for the application? And then I'm not sending it in cuz I think it's my birthday I don't want to do that can just be my birthday gift and she said yes and me alone like everybody is working against me for what? And it's just upsetting. So then I went on to tell Andrew that about the application if I get off and then I told her cuz I told her earlier my sister texted me and it was one of those messages you're upset you I miss you a lot yada yada yada. And I'm just f****** over it. At this point I'm just also like she even said a lot I'm glad we were able to like have these dogs and be like dishonest with each other yeah I know I don't know if I can care. And then that's when she started going in on like the well it's probably the situation where she's having you cosigned all these things cuz your dad's out there too. And then she went on and she was like well have you been on all the other places and I was like yes she told me I had to be so I was on like I have time then I did all the things and she was like yeah well she's probably been doing that on purpose and your credit score and I was like are you f****** serious. And then I also thought last night too because my sister was bringing about how she's been at her job for a year and I was like that wouldn't be helpful that you've been here 5 years and you've only had one job recently for a year that's not great that's not something that they look for and getting a house and everything is just coming together and clicking and I'm like f****** this is crazy. So and we're talking about all these things and it's bringing up so much stuff and I'm like oh my God how long have I been manipulated and lied to by my family. Because even while I was talking to her I was like the entire thing is like me being mean I'm more and more sudden to understand that that's not the case they have just been I've been so nice because of things like this that's my mom while my mom lie to me about something like that that's my dad when my dad lie to me about paying not paying a bill that was already paid off. Why would my family my family manipulate me? Why would they do anything to get over on me like that? And it's just really hard to know that the people you live under the same roof with will do that to you. I'm like I don't like that. And I'm really just at a loss for words at this point I'm just writing down things that happen as it happened because it's so f****** nuts. And so at this point I've just been like because I know my mom has been lying to me I just didn't know what she was lying about I've just been asking more direct questions for her to either be honest over her to lie her way out of it or change the subject or make it something that it's not and she's been doing the ladder. So I've been catching her in lies about stuff that doesn't make any sense that she's acting dumb and like I know you're smart you know didn't answer these questions and so do I why are you doing this? And I was like this is why I feel like I'm crazy all the time. And now I'm going to cry. Because I've been surrounded by people who have been lying to me catching them in love and they've been hanging up on me and telling me that what I believe isn't true you're not so terrible and due to a person. I just don't understand why why do people feel the need to do that to me. It's just more more bringing me back to Candace and how upsetting that situation actually was and how I really wasn't fully about her but it was but it wasn't. So I I don't okay back to me and andrea. So before I left for book club I was like going on and on and on about all these things and I was like telling her that this is why I feel like I'm crazy. I said I know on the surface that's what I mean my pretty and s***** because nobody would guess and assume that any of the things that I'm saying are true because it doesn't look like it. And that's part of my problem that's why I feel like I'm crazy around my family. And I was like my entire life they have been doing this and I never realized what was actually happening and I just thought that maybe it was something else and it's I'm finding out that it's not. And she was like well because your dad was a kind of person very likely that your mom would grow to be something in that similar vein because that's what she was around so it's like a learned behavior she's just mirroring what she knows work because she doesn't have like a healthier alternative that she wants to use. So now it's making more and more serious while people have been apologizing to me about stuff that that doesn't make sense like I don't have a pointed problem well I didn't have a point of problem I was just like pulling away because it didn't feel right to be around them anymore. And now I'm like this why people are apologizing to me because they're guilty and I knew they were guilty I just didn't know of what. And I was telling her before I left I was like my entire life has been this I'm just like my sister's doing this to me and they're like no she's not be the bigger person it'll all work out you'll be fine or it was I'm lazy and I'm dirty and all these things. And Andrea got emotional and she was like I depend on you here like you're very important and she's like I would never call you any of those things she was like yeah I would never describe you that way. It's just like you're not that you are not that way. she was saying you're very important too the things I do here and like it generally you as a person and she told me the same thing I told cand candice. She told me it feels like I can see her like we see each other he was trying to cry I don't I don't get it. It's making more sense of struggle for so long fighting against this invisible war and I can't feel like I was making up cuz I would tell me all these things that weren't true and I didn't know they were true I just believe that I thought I could I thought I was supposed to like I still didn't stay there part to me that beside the idea of me being lazy me being dirty it's very it's a huge mind f*** for me. So when she said that it was okay and that's a relief to know that it's not me. So and then I told her I was like this is part of the reason I'm going back to therapy before I leave because I really feel like part of the cutest thing wasn't really about her like I know she heard me and she did upset me but I think I may have went a little bit over and when I maybe should have. She understood because she also had a moment today where she did that to somebody and she had to double back when she wasn't mad about she was just like dang I feel s***** for doing that and she like did the work to like go back and fix things and I was like that's how I would like to do if that's possible with Candice but I don't know. But and machine also was very helpful cuz she will be talking about that and she was like no you know your position in this house you can also use that to your advantage to get things that you want because you are being used so to lead into that and she was like you to get the room and you want you to get a spot in the garage to certain things with your name being on the list. It is just a lot to know that the people I've lived with and the people who put on this show and feels like I'm living in a f****** circus and I know that and every time playing out dumping gasoline to believe that I'm not that's really it's really f****** hard. And that's part of the reason that I want to talk to Candice because I need to know if I was wrong about her. And I know it's not going to fix things and probably go back to anything being the way anything was or whatever I don't care I just need her to be honest with me at least. I just think I need to figure out I don't know feel like it will help I don't know. But it made me feel better because I'm like I know there's fishes s*** happening I know something is not right but I cannot figure out for the life of me what it is. So to now be on the other side of it with like this clear view and be able to see and pinpoint things they're very different. I didn't know that these things would be happening to me this year especially right before my birthday so it's something that I really want but I do want it I just didn't I didn't know the Revelation would be this. I thought it'd be different. And I was telling her that it feels like more and more than my mom has been regressing and it's like she's not being as smart as I knew her to be she's being she's acting more and more like my younger sisters. And Andrea's like I'm going to also throw this out here I don't mean to say anything to that may not be true, but could it be that your mom is was mirroring you when you had the codependent relationship with her and what you saw is her being smart was just her following your lead? And I was like oh s*** you're right. Lol. And she was like well and it could also mean that now that you're not being codependent with her anymore she's probably doing that with the next person in line which would most likely be your other sister and I was like that also is probably right because that's who she's acting like she's acting like her she's acting just like her like the sisters are stupid and they don't make sense to me doing that because they don't make sense and I didn't think she would ever do something like that. By Andrea playing that out made everything just like come together in my brain. So as much as it was like crappy to put together and also gave me a little bit piece to put it together and know that like oh that does make sense. And I'm not crazy I'm not making all these things up and this is actually happening. Really talked about some other stuff too and I don't remember what it is right now. But I'm on my way from book club and I wanted to put this in my journal before I got home. and also me is pregnant with twins. And I haven't seen her in a month so to know that was so shocking but also exciting but I was like oh girl I'm scared a little bit. 

Also at book club when I got there and got comfortable in like sitting on a chatting and they're like so the whole thing with Candice and they wanted an update on that and at first even when I was talking it's not switching the narrative in my head isn't switching until now cuz at first when they're asking about the update and like how things were and like what actually happened I was like oh I'm just the girl who had this little stupid fleeing a fair thing with Candice they're not really interested in me as a person. But I think about it that's something that they know about me because they all so ask the girl who came in late about her date she had an update on where she was with the guy she was talking to. So I'm like they're not being messy they're showing interest because even while they were talking to me they were like if you don't want to talk about it you don't have to it's okay we're sorry for asking. but I did and I gave him like a gist of everything but I was like I'm going to reach out to her because I think after going to some therapy that I may have overdone it a little bit on cutting ties with her so we're going to see how that goes. And I'm second guessing it a little bit but I'm like at least I'm going to try and I can give myself peace and Silas about trying is that just packing it up forever. 

Also like literally I felt nauseous all day and I thought maybe it was my clothes like my bra making me uncomfortable and I was adjusting a lot at the restaurant and I knew Andrea saw it and I'm sure she was like this girl's going through it and I f****** am. So I've been like nauseous all day I'm like I know I'm upset mentally and it's just like happening in my body too and I'm not okay. And I just really want to know where Candice's head is up because I do think we can get together I do feel like she sees me and it's so hard to find people who actually get you and I know that's hard for her to so I'm just going to see what f****** happened I don't f****** know. But we don't see.

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My mom is continuously gaslighting me brazenly.

It's astonishing.

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I almost forgot the best part-- one of the book club girls asked me if I was a counselor and it caught me off guard. She was initially asking me what I did for a living and she immediately said are you a counselor? And I told her what I did and that I do want to be q counselor. And she said oh, ok but are you in school, have we talked about you being in school? And I said no but I also want to do that lol. And she laughed at being wrong twice and I was like no, this is good lol. I told her it's like she was seeing into my future.