what living looks like

I keep trying to ask myself why I want to talk to Candice so badly besides the fact that I apologize and all these things over instagram. She really helped me last you when I was going through a rough time. Use an unexpected help that made a really big difference in me getting through that time of my life. Now that I'm facing a similar one I really want to talk to her I want her help. I want to share stuff with her I want to know what she thinks if I she has all these things This morning I was on Instagram and I went to my messages and they're still sitting there. I do remember her telling me she didn't really know how to do technology about how much of that is true so all these thoughts or anything I bring does she not know how to open my message, is it hidden because we don't follow each other, that she just blatantly ignoring me, or is there something else.  But I do like her. I know she knows that because I told her. But not knowing how she feels about me not knowin...

It hit me while I was deciding whether or not to lotion my face.  Cocoa butter is part of my set of EMDR resources. I remember telling Malaina putting it on makes me feel like I'm taking care of myself, like I can take care of myself. I have felt like I couldn't take care of myself. Even now, since I was depressed, I stopped really putting much effort into my outfits, stopped washing my face, i haven't worn earrings in weeks. And I've had this fear of becoming fat if I quit the gym that didn't make since. But now I get it. I'm scared of I quit the gym, I'll stop taking care of myself. I can take care of myself. I know I can.  Also, life really is the fucking Matrix. I have been living in toxic relationships for my entire life and my therapists are my what's his face lol. Therapy is an offer of blue or red pill. In order to work on things, to make a difference, it requires you to wake up to reality. And if you choose not to, you'll still be safe in th...

Post-Candice counter is done.  I uninstalled the day counter app Sunday, I think so I'm also gonna stop counting here. I think it's triggering. Not a lot, but enough.  If I'm gonna try to embrace a new normal, it's probably in my best interest to stop counting the days since my heart was broken.  Besides, I broke my own no contact, I made my page public, the jig is up.  I cannot force myself to feel guilty about liking her, hoping that my feelings for her will disappear.  I want what I want-- a healthy relationship with her.  And as far as my family goes, I'm done hiding and playing games but I'm still trying to figure out just how to play my hand.  ~ And I just checked my credit score and it fucking dropped like 79 points.  Nothing has really changed in my spending habits besides the watch I bought and this rental house situation. And now I'm wondering just how many times my credit was ran. The application I gave her was generic; she could have u...

I woke up feeling refreshed but also trapped.  So I cleaned up my Facebook Friends and removed my family during the process.  I am in fight or fight. I don't want to put on earrings still. I threw on a dress because I could slip it over my bra and shorts I slept in. I don't know what I'm gonna do.  ~ I feel hopeless and helpless.  And now, quite literally trapped.  Weather is not great here. There was a tornado this past weekend and now there's a thunderstorm watch. I don't want to be here. I almost just got in my car and went in anyway.  I'm tempted to risk my life to get away from these people.  ~ I just got in my car and Andrea texted me back. We're working from home until later.  FUCK. I DON'T WANNA BE HERE.  I should've just went in. ~ And now I'm crying at my desk at home.  I already had one breakdown in the bathroom this morning.  ~ I am not ok.  I feel really alone and cornered and helpless.  I don't know what I'm ...

I spent last night and this morning reading old entries about Candice early on. I saw and read a lot of stuff that still registers with me but now it's more impactful after all the things that have happened between us.  I'm no longer in my not and Nevers era lol. But I'm gonna try to settle into my Maybes.  Maybe we'll find each other again. I sure as shit hope so.  After everything, I still feel how I feel and there were a lot of similarities in the Instagram message I sent her and the second letter I wrote for her to purge my feelings. It was nice and peaceful to see that my sentiments are the same after all this time.  ~ Updates on today with no context (none of it was hateful) - Robert said nigga today and I had to carefully pick that battle - Andrea does internalize alot. She has a habit of reflecting her own questions at you for your opinion  - It was awkward after Robert said it. Andrea did not like it and she was trying to smooth things over but it was s...

I am a 29 year old, single, black woman and I spent the weekend making chunky cable knit blankets, bitch! And with my white friends and their family lol! I'm high, hello! I never expected this for myself in my life but I'm so happy being an outcast for my interests never stopped me from living my life the way I want.  I spent the weekend away from my family enjoying the company of another that makes me feel more at home. Andrea told me today that she was genuinely really excited about making these blankets. I through it out there as an idea because I always wanted to make one and I figured she is into stuff like that so she might be into it. Turns out, she'd been eyeing these blankets for a while and she said they were so expensive to buy she'd thought about making them. So she was really happy when I brought it up because she was like 'ohmygah I can do the blankets I've been wanting' And I know we'd shared a moment earlier that day when we saw that Hobb...

I'm sending her one last message: I'm really sorry for that last email.  Something so special to me blew up in the most unexpected way and it just kept happening and I finally cracked.  Our interactions over those last few days, your girlfriend reaching out to me, and then finding out something else really triggered a bunch of ugly stuff for me. Stuff that would usually be enough for me to write any and everyone off.  But I just found myself missing you more.  You really hurt my feelings and I never expected that from you and everything that followed made me so angry. So I wanted to make you feel what I felt because I still wanted you after all of that and it scared the shit out of me. I wish things were different. I wish things could be different.  The only reason I tried to make things work between us is because I really like you. And if you're as fucked up as me (no offense), yes-- I really like you, the person you are at your core. I set boundaries between u...

I am sitting on the edge of the bed, not wanting to leave the Hobbit House. God, this was a great trip.  And I didn't end up being sad the whole time.  This was exactly what I needed.  And now I'm gonna pack up my car and go grab donuts to start my day.  ~ Donuts were good.  I grabbed a free Chick-fil-A coffee using points. Went to the car wash. The guy there was trying to sell me and lied about how much I frequent there. I was a little annoyed but just played around him to buy my car wash so I can get on with my day. Then he logged into the system and gave me a free one so that was cool. And now I'm at the movies waiting to watch If.  Aaaaaand Candice hasn't responded. I think she's ignoring me and I don't think she's gonna stop.  ~ I'm home.  I've eaten, I'm high, I plucked my chin hairs, shavedy chin and ears and stuff.  And I unhid my Stories from Candice, even though she has not replied and I think she's rejecting me yet and still. ~ Wha...

Welp.  Candice hasn't responded but she hasn't blocked me either.  And I think I need a good poop.  ~ Also, there are 2 cats now lol.  ~ And then a third one showed up lol.  I went and grabbed breakfast and a salad for lunch/dinner.  And now I'm locking myself in for the day, edible in my body and about to put food on my tummy.  ~ I had my first birthday pie.  And I just made my birthday post and it made me cry lol. Shit.  Last week, i found an old screenshot from 2019 of my Art Professor commending my hard work and it's very fitting words for my current situation. And I finally Googled wabi sabi: "...wabi-sabi refers to an awareness of the transient nature of earthly things and a corresponding pleasure in the things that bear the mark of this impermanence." And "In traditional Japanese aesthetics, wabi-sabi is a world view centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection." ~ I don't think she's gonna respond and that suc...

Soooo... So far, so good today.  I am a little nervous, a little shakey shakey lol.  I took off for today and I'll be going to the Hobbit House after I leave therapy. I woke up and went back to bed lol. I slept in and it was amazing.  And then I got up, put on a bra, and got back in bed with my doggy. But I was laying there for a while and just felt like I didn't want to be in bed anymore. So I got up, fixed my bed, and hung out at my desk for a bit, cleaned my room a little, packed my fancy pajamas cause my period ended, ate some foods, watched some Netflix kinda.  Then I just enjoyed my time off work. Played some video games, grabbed my dog to play video games in bed. Then I got sleepy and took a 2 hour nap.  Then I woke up, got dressed, semi packed my car, and started prepping to leave for therapy.  And now I'm here, waiting for my session that I thought was at 4 but is really at 4:30 lolol.  And I was on my phone journaling when I heard someone spe...

I really feel like this is all just taking it out of me. I woke up tired and frustrated a little defeated. My car doing voice to text in my diary with all that barely want to open cuz I end up having to pull over yesterday to hyperventilate and another random parking lot for my house. Before I went home.. and as soon as I get there and an application for apps for me to fill out. And everything's very rush rush because of all the stuff she did under the table. I'm really ready for there be tomorrow and I'm ready to go on this little vacation to get some a break from all this s***.  I did go on Facebook this morning and I saw that Dana invited me to join the DFW gay hikers to guess who's in that group now. Me b******. Some little excited about that that's look forward to you I guess. And Andrea did that she still wants to do the blankets this weekend and yesterday also got the office even though I was a little embarrassed I cried at the office and she look like a bear...