09PC - 😂💀(vindication)

I fucking can't even LOL.

I can't WAIT to type up this new info. 

That part of me that does feel bad for Candice, still does. BUT this is castle you built and the hell you created, bitch. And instead of letting go, you make the mistake of leaning in. And now I know more than you ever thought I would.

*Birdman hand rubbing meme*

I'm squirting toniiiiiight baby lol. (I'm high and it's like 30 mins til midnight so it's technically day 8 still but oh well).

Thank you for being the lesson that taught me I can take care of myself.

~

I got FRIIIIIEEEEENDS, BITCH. GO FUCK YOURSELF!! 

I'M DOING THE WORK AND IT SHOOOOOOOOWS. OHMYGAH OHMYGAH WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT 

I am gonna be transcribing the night away tomorrow lol. 

It's like I got my confidence back. I kept wondering if maybe I'd made a mistake.

~

~

I sent one more email to her this morning for myself. I got my last payment confirmation from the gym and that plus hearing Erica's story from 3 years ago and hearing how confused she still was to this day really triggered me.

I do not ever want to hear from you again.

Do not look for me. Do not ask my friends about me. Do not speak to me in public if you ever see me.

I hate that you turned out to be the person you are and I really do not care who you might later become. Leave me alone forever. 

Using your personal struggles for connection only to weaponize your position for further manipulation is very telling of your character.

When you do this to the next person, I hope your fate is the same.

I know you will continue to have the same struggle and fight the same fight because you refuse to own your actions and take accountability. Have fun with that. 

Although you chose to sing a different, more cowardly tune in the end, know that I have not and will not be doing the same. 

Thank you for being my trial by fire. I would not have known how to yield my own strength had you not treated me so poorly.

And know that this email isn't for you. I could not care less if you ever even open it, much less read it because I know you do not care. 

This is my goodbye forever and know that I will never give you the same.

~

I'm gonna be grateful to Kaylin forever.

She gave me the last bit of courage I needed to stand ten toes down on my decision.

I even added more gym friends on Instagram too!

This morning she said:

Candice and I are so awkward I don’t think she’d say anything to me. I never answer gym texts and had to tell them I straight up don’t want to do check ins so I’m sure they love me 😅

~

Updated Andrea. 

She was like that what I mean by Candice is smart.

This time, I doubled down on the no she's not. 

If Candice was smart, she'd still have me wrapped around her finger. 

If Candice was smart, she would have kept me isolated.

If Candice was smart, she would have taken what she knows about me and put two and two together about who I actually am-- not who I present to be.

If Candice was smart, she wouldn't have overplayed her hand. 

If Candice was smart, she wouldn't have had her girlfriend reach out to me (if that's what happened).

If Candice was smart, she would have known her girlfriend would reach out to me.

If Candice was smart, she would have known I would tell her girlfriend the truth, especially after I left that review.

If Candice was smart, she wouldn't have flirted with me in front of other people.

If Candice was smart, she would have outsmarted me.

Andrea's belief is that age equates to knowledge.

My belief is that the ego in believing your age equates to knowledge is the dumbest thing a person could do.

The number one rule in combat: never underestimate your opponent.

If Candice was smart, she would never have underestimated me.

Candice is not smart; she's just selfish.

Quote me on that.

~

Literally everyone but Andrea has commended me on how well I handled dealing with being in that situation. She did love how things ended for me.

And she has been supportive. Even this morning she checked in to make sure I'm not gonna take things further. Like smear her name, or be ugly, or seek revenge.

And, no. I was even worried about that this morning.

But I trust myself. I'm not above retaliating to her if she decides to spread lies. Because I know myself too lol.

And also, although I am irritated with a few of Andrea's ways of thinking, I still love and respect her for caring about me. Because that's where that comes from.

Awww. I'm tearing up lol.

Ok. Wait lol. 

One more thing:

My codependency doesn't make Candice smart, it just makes me more susceptible. BUT ALSO, being codependent doesn't make me stupid. 

Codependency is a way of being. It's more of a lifestyle choice for passively coping than a reflection of one's intelligence. 

And Candice doesn't have a pattern because she's smart. She has a pattern because she is broken.

~

I'm going to do this voice to text so it's going to be a big jumble of words that probably don't make sense later on but we'll see. I went to the new gym and it was okay I had a good time I felt safe. The people are really really nice and this is probably the fastest I've gotten along with them. I will say the CrossFit of the gym was smaller so maybe that's why. Either way it goes I'm excited to be somewhere new but I'm also sad to be somewhere new cuz I miss my friends. I did get an inbox message from Laura cuz I found her on instagram. I was so excited to hear from her and then she asked oh no why are my quitting cuz she saw my story and I told her it was because of candice. Cuz I'm no longer going to be hiding my truth to take care of Candice and that's why I was doing it and I have no reason to do that anymore cuz I no longer feel sorry for her as much as I did. I understand she has her own problems but doesn't give you the right to f*** people's head and her ability to attach to people in an unhealthy way in the end she pushed the other girl away but she's clinging on the meat it's so f****** confusing. I'm not going to transcribe Erica's message either because I feel like I know all I want to know and if I really want to go back and hear it I can go back and hear it I'm not going to delete the message off my instagram. But the bigger part of that is I've been pulling vindicated already. Thank God for kaylin. Thank God for laura. Thank God for mia. Thank God for tori. If not for them I would not have known what the actual truth was about about that gym, about candice. They all said the same thing. And oh I forgot. I also heard from there's two large at the gym. I heard from both of them. They both said the same thing Candice is not like that great. Everybody says Kenneth isn't that great. So even in her own gym, her own community she creates and bragged about she's not really welcome. Which is so sad. And also so ironic and so poetic at the same time. She does all this work at this gym to build this community so she didn't have to focus on her own work for herself and the community she's built isn't even that fond of her. That's crazy. But I feel sad because I'm leaving my friends and I don't know where the relationships would have gone if I had to stay and I don't know where they're going to go now that I'm gone but I also feel sad because I feel like if I had connected sooner I wouldn't have to deal with leaving. Because I'm sure if I decided to say they would have had my back. Which also makes me feel good about leaving too on the other hand, because I know that even if Kenny decided to lie they wouldn't f****** believe her because nobody really trust her. She's just like she owns the gym sure, but it's more of a oh it's Candice nobody really takes her seriously. They actually joke about her and they know how weird and difficult she is to deal with. Erica and her voice memo last night call her and I duck. And I was like you're not f****** wrong. You're actually around the goddamn money. 

So I found a bunch of coaches that I kind of knew and I liked I found some assistance that I like I found a couple more friends that I could think of names for. And I'm going to see what happens I don't know. The Lord that did the competition with that time invited me to her gym if I don't like my gym and I just wanted to try something new. And everybody's been really like I hate that and where you going. 

I thought about this a lot too I've never looked for them to quit the gym because of me. That sound realistic and that's also unfair my experience is not their experience and it doesn't determine how they decide to live their lives. 

I am happy I'm able to like I don't know I don't know if they're being nice and just saying oh my God yes we should hang out or if they actually mean it I'm going to pretend they mean it we're going to see what happens. I don't f****** know. 

And I will say after class, I did get in my car ugly crowd almost cried in the gym. I almost cried on my way to my car. But I got in my car I did a little video on instagram. And we was all said and done I did get teared up I did start crying I did throw ugly crying. I was just really sad I didn't want to I don't want to have to do this and I have to do this for somebody that people don't really f*** with and that's so crazy to me. So I don't know. 

but I'm looking forward to going back to my new gym like the kosher is nice and immediately like welcome in like oh my God I was also at the gym you were at and we were giving each other asses like okay do you know what like what do you know him should we compare notes. 

I think it's going to be a good time. Just going to take some getting used to. And I know that I just don't want to I never wanted to have to do that. But here we are. 

And another note before I left outside of town, I remember that I need to get flowers for myself. So I turned around with the Trader Joe's I made myself stop crying. I pulled it together found a parking spot cuz they were almost closing and I walk in I go get some flowers try not to cry while I'm looking at them. And I honestly just took a minute to take my time to see what I wanted because I feel like a lot of this doing an ending codependency codependent relationships and saying no it's doing what I want. So I picked the flowers that I wanted that I thought would make me happy and I walked to the cash register. And the guy there is cute and I was like oh okay and. so he checks me out and then literally he must have been checking me out cuz he's like well how's your day been and I'm like not great it's actually been it started off good but then it was sad and now hope it'll get better. So he starts chatting me up and then he's like asking all these questions to get to know me I'm like oh you like me you're trying to talk to me. So I let him and I leaned in to see like how this would go I don't know I don't get hit on so f*** it I'll look like I am sweaty I'm barely I barely have clothes on I don't know what my hair really looks like and I just told you I'm sad I'm sure you can see that I was crying not even 2 minutes ago so sure. He did it asking me if I was single asking if I had kids asking if I like you so like n**** you got kids what are you trying to say what is it. 

And he said he goes to the gym up the street and I was like okay well I didn't know there was a gym over here. And he asked if he would if I wanted to work out with him sometime and I was like okay. And so he got my number he pulled receipt paper cuz he's a cashier and happy right my number down. 

And he was really happy that I gave him to him like he didn't expect me to give it to him like should I not have give it to you with the cats what's happening I don't understand. I don't know we're going to see. I did look at him when he asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with him and I was like I just kind of cuffed my head a little bit and I was like do you I'm a hot mess right now I don't know are you sure about that. And he was basically like that's okay and like it'll get better you'll be fine and I was like okay. 

So give him my number and he's like have a I'll text you reach out whatever and he's done for my name name and then we chat a little bit and then I left and got in my car. And I immediately grabbed my phone it was like Andrea you're not really what just happened oh my God and I updated her. As soon as I put my phone down I get ready to leave guess who walks out the store behind my vehicle.

First thought no Candace was doing this when she know I please I don't want another Candace right now. but then he like didn't say anything he went to cook with some buggies up cuz I did park by the buggy thing and then as I was getting ready to go he started talking telling my window down

And then we chat at some more he asked for my name again to make sure he had it right and he was like okay I'm going to like reach out to you I'm going to talk to you in like are you going to and I was like yeah I need a distraction right now he's like I'm a distraction and I was like hell how healthy destruction there's nothing wrong with that. And we kind of laughs and he's like have a good night and I was like thank you and he said be safe for drive safe I don't know but I was like...

Not really f****** need like I don't know I don't know what I need I don't know what I want I do know what I don't want which logically with me and I do know what I want but also psychologically theoretically there's a lot of things that go into place so I'm really just saying a lot of words because I am trying to downplay the fact that I don't know what I want. 

But I do though now that I think about it and I say all those words that mean nothing but also the say the same thing I want liberation this year and that's like what I've gotten so far it's just not liberation-- I didn't think liberation would look like this. 

I did not think liberation would look like this. I did not think liberation would feel like this. And also a little bit I had never had sex sir or you put your dick in me yes or no because I don't know where I don't know where my head is at really. Have a lot of relationships that were significant to me that I just ended. And I'm even getting teary just thinking about the fact that happened. 

So I don't know what to expect from life right now.

And I'm really trying to cry because I am in line at in and out and I just want to get my burgers without them looking like whoa what the f*** where are you so like if I can pull it together in a couple minutes before I get up here and pay for the school that'd be fantastic I really love that that'd be great. 

But like I don't know what to expect from life right now and that's kind of scary. I don't know if the friends that I was able to keep will be friends that I keep long term. I don't know how genuine those relationships would be. I don't know if we'll ever really hang out.

I don't know what to expect. 

And expectations are different from hope. So I will say although I don't know what to expect I do know what I'm hoping for and maybe in the way the things that I hope for will still put me where I want to be even if it doesn't look like what I thought it would or should look like. 

Cuz even where I am now I didn't expect it to look like this like I knew I would be leaving. I didn't know I'd be reaching out to make connections still with the purpose of like I like you I want to like stay a person that you know and like think about. It's very strange cuz I've never done this I never wanted to do this I usually don't do this. And I never expected this many people to reach out. Whether it's genuine or they're just trying to figure out what the latest gossip is at the gym I don't f****** know. But I'm really hoping I'm able to like build more genuine relationships now that I'm able t mix the ones that aren't.

~

I headed my therapist's warning but I am feeling what she talked about.

She warned me that retelling the story about Candice what be taxing because I'd be reliving to it in a sense. 

Well, I have told it 3 times, from short to long, all of them honest but fair. That plus going toe to toe with Andrea in a mini tiff, being sad and nervous about the new gym AND having someone hit on me, fully showing interest?

I'm fucking tired. 

And Gym Andrea is only one that has tried to excuse Candice's behavior which I understand and didn't fight. But because I know my full story and not Erica's tidbit, Candice can kiss my ass lol.

She's selfish and unwilling to do the work. She can't keep using people as a quick fix for healing and then playing victim.

I do know, I'm gonna have to take my time and tread lightly so I don't upset myself and so I don't lash out.