07PC - moving on

I had a dream about my class at the new gym.

It was fun enough. I was assigned a team lead for the workout. As we were sitting and waiting on teams to finish being assigned, I turned to my right and met one named Savage.

He was really nice and kind of cute. I smiled and laughed because he looked so happy and introduced myself. He took my hand to shake it and DJ (from my last gym) spoke from behind us. I'd never seen him untill then. 

DJ told him to watch himself. And I was like 'ohmygah, no way he's cock blocking me because of fucking Candice. She doesn't want me'

And Savage smiles and said "I'm good but I ain't never--" and he was just smiling really big as his eyes took me in. 

And then I had a dream Candice and I were together. We were in Kohl's and I was shoe shopping. And then we were in a bed somewhere and we were snuggling and cuddling. And we fell asleep together, both of us on top of the covers, Candice's head laying on my stomach. 

And then later on we were together again. And we had a fight. Either she didn't want to kiss me in public or she made it seem like we weren't together. 

Whatever it was, she was publicly rejecting me-- again. And I was so upset. She was saying we're just friends and I told her we were little just cuddling in bed together, friends don't do that. 

It's also not lost on me that Savage was Candice's married name. 

~

Also, this is the first Monday since chaos started. 

Wish me luck. 

~

I've already told myself if Candice pushes on me or if I ever find out she's dragging my name through the mud, I'm gonna try to stay low to the ground with her because she's gonna always victimize herself, according to her track record and my BPD readings.

But I will strike back if she is being viciously ugly. 

~

Also, did I mention I hate being in this house?

My mom just asked me if I'd like her to schedule another appointment to see the house when she talks to that lady again. 

I fucking knew it.

~

I just got my last text from the gym and I'm glad I sent my question.

I had it scheduled but sent it earlier and here's what I got back:

Yup! All you have to do is reply "stop" and you'll be removed from the gym hotline here and all automations that go out.

So I did. 

When I got this text? Immediate jitters and panic.

~

Now I'm wondering if that dream wasy mind imagining DJ protecting me from the fuck boy that is Candice. 

Because that same look that Bo gave me at that first social is the same one Candice gave me that same night. 

~

Heading to EMDR! 

Also, I gotta poop. I have been gassy all day lol. 

EMDR was wonderful. She was so happy, so proud. She checked on my cognition, asked some questions, doubled down on some of my thoughts, theories and opinions.

I loved it.

AND she confirmed, that if Candice does have BPD, she's sure it would track with a lot of my experience with her. That's professional talk for "that bitch definitely got it but I can't say that because I can't give my licensed opinion on someone I haven't treated"

I told her about my readings and how I was getting frustrated because 90% of everything was "here's how you take care of BPD people" and I wanted something to help me take care of myself.

She was just as confused by the girlfriend. She called the entire situation toxic. And she also thought, like Andrea, that the girlfriend just wanted me to take the review down. As toxic and inappropriate as it was, she wanted me to remove the review. And not only did I not do that, I did not give a fuck AND I politely dumped a fresh hot shit in her lap. 

And she thinks Candice's reply to my review was long and brought up stuff I never mentioned in that review because she wrote that for her girlfriend-- not for me.

And she asked me when we were done how it felt to hear so many people say I handled things well. And I cried a little when we talked about it.

And then she asked me if I was proud of myself and I nodded yes. And we talked about that. I did joke and sat "ironically, I'm proud of myself too because everything I read about BPD was what I did with Candice." And she said "yes, you really did" and she explained that as well. She also mentioned that dealing with BPD can be very difficult for everyone involved and that it's one of the more difficult things to treat. They have DBT and that works but it takes a lot of effort to get clients to see it through. 

And I mentioned EMDR and DBT to Candice during our last meeting before she knew I liked her. And she had a slight reaction but I didn't understand why. Now I know it's because she probably knew about DBT already. 

And in my head I went 'Bingo!" I had a feeling Candice quit therap but I could not for the life of me figure out why. She has money, she has time, she seems smart enough, she retained the information enough to come to really thoughtful conclusions. Why did she stop therapy? It's because she has BPD. I'm sure when they got to that, she bowed out and that's probably when she started dating again.

Enter, this toxic relationship.

She also loved my thoughts on me being a falling tree in the forest, does it make a sound and holding regret differently. Instead of regretting meeting Candice, I just really wish she hadn't hurt me. I cherish all the good times in between and I'm grateful for where I am because of it, but it wasn't my fault things didn't work. That was her doing.

And we didn't talk about this, but here's where I'm landing. I still have a little part of me that loves Candice for what we could have been. But she doesn't care about my needs and feelings because she disregards her own.

I'm no longer worrying myself with the will I won't I of 'if things change in the future, will I take her back? Will I be stupid? Will she hurt me again'

I'm just gonna stick to what Malaina said months ago: "worry about that if and when that time comes"

~

Oh!

And she said it feels like Candice doesn't care. And I said yes! I've been saying that for months now "Candice may like me but she does not care about me"

If I hurt her, it's only because I threw a stone at the only thing she's willing to care about-- her gym. She throws all of her everything into her gym because it's easier than working on herself.

That's why we had that little moment before we hung up in Branson, because I poked a sore spot I didn't know was there. She'd joked about something related to coaching and I said something along the lines of "when I'm old, I won't care about knowing how to squat properly, I would much rather have my mental health"

I think that hit close to home for her. That's why we didn't work. Her priority isn't her mental health, it's the health of her gym. She wanted me to let her have that by letting go of my problems and being ok with her. I was a constant reminder of something she tried really hard to hide. She could no longer deal with having her gym that she was using to avoid her mental health issues host the thing that reminded her that she was avoiding her mental health issues-- me. 

And maybe she was really sad to hear I was leaving. Maybe she did cry all morning because of that. If that's the case, it just further proves the fact that she refuses to address her internal turmoil.

~

Also, Candice was just selfish. 

She wanted what she wanted and what she wanted was to be with me on her terms, regardless of how it made me feel. 

~

I can't believe all this has happened.

So much chaos. So much sadness. 

I'm gonna miss my gym, man.

And now I'm crying. Dammit.

I hate this but I know it's necessary. 

~ 

I'm writing because I'd gotten a little down on myself. When I went to buy my new watch today, I passed by the gym.

I saw Candice's car and immediately thought "well I guess she's back now that I'm gone, probably to do damage control. save her image, spread lies about me, get in front of people asking and finding out what happened with me, spin the story to make herself look good"

It kept making me sad. And I had an edible because I wasn't sad. But seeing her car was like "ugh...fuck man"

And as SOON as I picked up my phone to express my emotions to let go of those feelings, KAYLIN TEXTED ME!!! 

~

I started worrying a little bit and my watch buzzed lol. 

It asked me how I was feeling and then asked me to check in with myself. 

Technology, man. This is basically Spy Kids lol.