06PC - unexpected

I never expected I'd be nursing my CPTSD post-Candice. 

When I finally fell asleep, I could feel myself panicking. I was so freaked out I tried to wake myself up. But then I remembered I was safe and talked myself back down. 

~

Well my family is getting on my nerves so that's great. 

I have been in bed all day becausey sleep schedule has been fucked since Friday. 

They woke me up by calling me twice. 

I finally wake up on my own to two texts: Do I want to go with them to see the house today and do I want to go get food. 

Both of my sisters know I've been up all night and would be knocked out because they saw me at like 4 am this morning going to pee and grabbing pizza rolls. The dog is even sleeping still.

1. They already knew about this house and have been talking because she called it "that house" What fucking house?

2. I find it hard to believe they scheduled a last minute viewing on a Sunday in the Bible Belt of America. It feels more like they don't want me or care about me seeing this house. As a matter of fact, I know they already had it scheduled now that I think about it. My mom still works with the church back home so she hardly ever makes Sunday morning plans because her schedule is dependent upon them. Fuck them man. That's mean. 

And to be top it off? I check my emails (because trauma) and they're is the weekly gym email just hanging out in my fucking inbox. 

Fuck you Candice.

And I was gonna say I shouldn't have to unsubscribe when I fucking quit but then I just remembered technically my cancellation takes effect at EOM.

So I had to scroll through so I didn't see what it said or her name and unsubscribe. And I was sad and agitated all over again. Then I saw you had to choose why you want to unsubscribe. And there was an 'Other' option with a space to type a reason. 

My immediate thought was "twist the knife, fuck her" but I didn't. It wouldn't really help my mental state and I'm sure if she's even still thinking about me, me being silent would piss her off more. 

Which reminds me, I'm gonna reach out to Libby to see if they can unsubscribe me from texts. I don't want to constantly be triggered-- I'll just block the number. Fuck it. 

But now I'm like, what if something goes wrong with my card and they need to reach me. I've blocked them literally everywhere I can think of. 

...shit. 

I'll go with plan A first. 

~

I scheduled a text to go out tomorrow morning. 

Hopefully she can do it. If she can't or if no one responds, then I'll just block the number. 

Please, please, please God, do not let Candice message me. 

~

Also, I just deleted a Brea reminder I had set in my phone. I know there's one more so let's add these two things to the list. 

Because Brea was caretaking me even after I told her I didn't care, I scheduled every Wednesday to be for her to "dump" on me as she called it. Which is just a toxic little caretaking loop. So fucked up. I took care of her by setting a reminder in my phone to let her know it's ok to vent to me. I'm sure that attention made her feel so good. 

And the other one was me caretaking her by scheduling to ask her if she's doing anything to intentionally bring herself joy.

It's so clear now just how fucked that relationship was. 

Brea would rather play the victim to get the attention she wants, than actually use that same voice to just stand up for herself. 

Like when she ended things with her ex and I found out from her accidentally that she showed up to his house crying about how their relationship had changed. Even though she ended things with him and told him she just wanted to be friends. 

I'm glad I'm out of both of those situations. 

~

Also, I went searching for Candice's ex online yesterday. I couldn't find anything. I know I'd have better luck using her pages to work backwards but I don't want to know that bad. I just want to compare notes and opinions. Because I do not know Candice anymore and I don't trust her.

I just would like someone who once did to verify my opinion of her. 

Which is unhealthy, I know. I can trust my decision based on my experience, without knowing anything else.

Finding her is a last ditch effort to find my "sanity".

Aaaaand my dog just threw up in my bed...

~

I have had a really hard time deciding whether or not I wish I never met Candice. 

And I finally figured out why. 

Because wishing I never met her switches responsibility for my pain from the person that hurt me to me.

And I didn't hurt me. She did.

I loved Candice. I loved talking to her, seeing her, working out with her, laughing with her, listening to hear talk, watching her interact with other people.

I loved the gym. I loved the friends I made, the fun I had, the courage and strength I built. I loved that experience so much because more and more I became comfortable and at home I'm that space. They were my little family.

I don't regret meeting her because my life flourished because I walked through the door of that gym and she helped me move a nice chunk of that was sitting in my way.

I wouldn't trade this experience because I love, love, love the things I gained from it.

I only thing wish Candice didn't hurt me.

~

I've done some writing, I watched a few movies, I put up the rest of my clothes, took the trash out.

I washed my butt lol.

And I'm remembering what my therapist told me on Wednesday.  

I was telling her about brunch and how the vibes changed, why I felt that way. I was rambling because I had a alot to talk about lol.

But she stopped me and asked if we'd talked about emotional intelligence yet. I said I don't think so.

She began explaining that the way I went about reading those small cues, internally and externally, that many people might not notice is an example of Emotional Intelligence. She went on to explain that I show a lot of signs of having what therapists refer to as a high EQI.

And as shitty as I had been feeling about all of everything, that stopped me. I didn't see it coming.

I always thought I was emotionally stunted and very ignorant.

But I took that moment in and I was like ...oh. 

And it's clicking with me now.

Recently I realized that it's not that I never knew how to take care of myself. It's that I didn't trust the people around me to meet my needs in support of me taking care of myself. So I started using coping as a way to passively take care of myself because any time I tried to actively enact change, I was shot down or ignored.

And even in the room with her, I accepted it because I know she was being honest. But a tiny part of me was like "me? The bitch who only expressed 2 emotions when I met you? Ain't no way"

But I get it and I make sense.

I love my therapists man lol. 

~

I also haven't watched this many movies in a really long time It's been fun lol.

Idk if that has anything to do with Brea or not but it may. I used to think the pandemic gave me that problem but I binged so much Netflix during that time lol. Drinking alcohol and snacking every night. 

But after we had that argument about her pressing me and making me feel guilty for the amount of black content I consumed vs everything else, I've had a really hard time watching stuff.

I told her why it bothered me that she'd say that and we had a little tiff about it too. But it would always be in the back of my brain whenever I went to choose something to watch.

Sometimes I also feel like "what if I waste my time watching it and it not be good" Idk what that one is about unless it's me being anal and obsessive.

But we'll see. I'm gonna enjoy it while the getting is good. 

~

Also, I just remembered the song that helped me build the courage to unfortunately leave the gym to get away Candice for good (fortunately)m

Truth or Dare by Tyla

Hold on

Did you say you're on your way?

Why now?

When you just went MIA

Message received, oh, now you want me back?

I know the procedure, tryna come to my place

Turn around, that's too far

Are we too far gone?

Can't handle what I am now

You're a fan now and I'm not what I was

(Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)

So tell me, are you down now? 'Cause I'm up now

So let's play truth or dare, dare you to forget

That you used to treat me just like anyone

Truth or dare? Is it true you care?

Now that you can see the love from everyone (tell me)

Now you carе?

Truth or dare?

Are you playing?

Truth or dare? (Tеll me)

Now you care?

Truth or dare?

Are you playing?

Truth or-

Would you still want me if I didn't have it all? (All)

You could've had it with me, but instead, you gave it up (gave it, gave it up)

Tell me, when is it gonna get through to you? (Ooh)

Everybody needs somebody, but I can't be a fool (fool)

When they ask you questions 'bout me, tell 'em how you

How we could've gone places, but you were too impatient

Can't handle what I am now

You're a fan now and I'm not what I was

(Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)

So tell me, are you down now? 'Cause I'm up now

So let's play truth or dare, dare you to forget

That you used to treat me just like anyone

Truth or dare? Is it true you care?

Now that you can see the love from everyone (tell me)

Now you care?

Truth or dare?

Are you playing?

Truth or dare? (Tell me)

Now you care?

Truth or dare?

Are you playing?

Truth or dare? (Tell me)

YEEEEEEEAAAAH CANDICE, YOU BITCH! YOU'RE SELFISH TO A FAULT AND YOUR INABILITY TO CHOOSE YOURSELF ONLY HURT ME AND YOU IN THE END. 

(I also took a tiny microdose of like sativa and I'm a little happier so I'm a little high lol)

~

And guess who's still a squirter. 

*happy sigh*