05PC - slowing down

I took my hair down last night.

I took my time last night and it took forever.

I washed it for the thr first time in like a month.

And now I'm gonna pace myself putting it back up. 

~

I also have another urge to check her Instagram. So I'm gonna put my text to Tori this morning in here before I put my phone down for a bit. 

I honestly think Candice thought I'd just cave and start things up with her again because she kept playing on my attraction to her. I know that's the case now that her LONG-TERM GIRLFRIEND reached out to a random member of her gym to figure out how to take care of her emotionally.

I was Candice's emotional support animal and her girlfriend got to do the rest. She wanted the both of us. 

I don't think she thought I'd actually quit because she knows I really wanted to stay. 

I was Candice's emotional support animal. As long as I wasn't giving in to her, she didn't want me around her gym having fun with everyone else. 

 she is still incredibly hurt and confused

Hurt? Ok. 

Confused? No the fuck she isn't. 

~

I'm about cry. 

Whenever I feel myself feeling bad about things, I let it happen. And then I revisit all these interactions over the last few days. And then I start reviewing places to boost my Google rating even more. 

But Libby posted a picture recently and it made me sad. Because we just started bonding over Bridgerton. And so I went back and read her texts to me.

And I pulling my hair, grabbing out hot spots and procrastinating starting because once I finish, it will externally bookmark these internal changes I've made this week.

It's the end of an era I loved so fucking much. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to my gym. I never wanted to say goodbye. It was finally starting to feel like I fit.

It was the first place I branched out among so many different people. I was starting to meet so many new people. I was intermingling. I was making plans. I was making natural connections.

And Candice ripped it away from me out of her own selfishness. And now I have to start all over.

And I get it but why would she do that? Why couldn't she just leave me alone?

My worst fear behind her right now is her self harming and/or her stalking me. 

Because, low key, her behavior while I still at the gym was very stalkery. But I don't think stalkers push away their subjects or present them to their partners.

And hopefully my review will deter her from doing that. AND I haven't heard her since Wednesday so I'm probably fine.

I just don't get it. 

~

I'm also reading up on how to help myself after ending a relationship with a BPD person and the good news is, I'm ready doing it.

They suggested CBT, DBT, or EMDR.

I was already in CBT.

When Candice ignored me last year, that upset me so much a started self-gaslighting and started DBT.

And then a few sessions later, I started EMDR. 

~

Fuck me, this one hits the nail on the head: https://www.connectedbraincounseling.com/post/trauma-after-dating-someone-with-bpd

Of course, the first relationship I have is abusive and adds to the PTSD I already have. 

Fuck.

~

I also looked at Candice's divorce decree from summer of 2020.  From the looks it, Candice was being difficult when it came to turning over records to her ex wife per their divorce decree.

I think Candice is a victim who finds comfort in her identity as a victim. And because of that, she can't own her own shortcomings because, in her mind, how can a victim be at fault. Her inability and refusal to own her actions, victimizes the people she hurt, intentionally or unintentionally.

That is what makes her a villain. 

~

I feel so shaken up by her. 

~

I also feel jittery. And I figured it was relevant so I Googled it and 

When you're anxious, you may feel jittery, on edge, or even physically shaky. This is in part due to how anxiety makes your muscles tenser. Essentially, when you're anxious, your body's fight-or-flight response is triggered. That causes your body to release adrenaline, even if it's inappropriate for the situation

I have to keep her the fuck away from me.

~

After Christmas, I don't think I was ever really nervous because I like Candice. 

I was nervous because I was afraid of what she might do, who she might be. 

She scares me. 

~

I feel like doing my hair this weekend might have been a mistake. 

I didn't think I'd be so shaken up once I slowed down. 

I posted a short version to my Close Friends and two of them reached out to pat me on the back. That was nice. 

And then I started overthinking my gym friends.

Will they turn on me like my family did with my sister? Will Candice start lying to everyone about me?

I got scared last night of the idea of Candice trying to reconcile. Reconciliation shouldn't scare me. But it did because in my mind, I couldn't stand to be in the room with her, I imagined me crying, needing someone to come with me, her gaslighting me in person. 

She scares me.

I may need to microdose. 

I honestly feel like I need to be sedated. My body is riddled with anxiety. 

~

I took like a corner piece of indica and I feel less jittery. Not zero, but less. 

~

I'm also gonna include some supportive responses from my friends:

Lea ❤️

I'm so proud of you!! This was such a mature & emotionally intelligent response. Good for you for protecting yourself and your peace! You've done the work and it shows!

I told her thank you and that this was the roughest ride of my life 

I bet!! But you made all the right choices!

Mia ❤️

I mean she knows she can't... this goes way beyond an emotional affair... she used her business. I'm surprised she even did that. Jam you handled that very impressively! I have so many opinions on this... I'm so sorry jam I can't believe you have to go through this

It really makes me mad she tried to get you to sympathize because she's so upset... well she done messed up she should be upset!! 

Christina ❤️

You did what's best for you! Sometimes people don't want to admit or accept that they are shitty people and lack self awareness. I'm sure your gym friends will still be close to you. And maybe you can utilize this opportunity to step out your comfort zone at your new gym and make new friends! Could meet someone special, just for you!

My other friends were also supportive but verbally so I don't have those. 

But I do remember the pride in Andrea's eyes when I pulled out the side of me she'd never seen to verbally ream Candice and her girlfriend in support of myself. 

~

If I was at a 9 earlier, I'm at like a 5 right now. 

Still a bit jittery but it's not as scary and overwhelming.

~

I'm still a little in disbelief that all of this happened. 

~

And I'm guessing the microdose has worn off because I'm beginning to panic again.

~

I finished my hair. And even with all the pulling, it doesn't look too bad. 

I really love it.

And I am overthinking all the things and still a little panicked so I'm gonna lay down and try to sleep.

~

I am in bed. I haven't seen a tub since  Thursday night. I haven't a nutritious meal since Friday morning. 

I did wash my bedding, my whites, colors are in the drier. 

I am fully naked. I used some wipes to clean my cooler lol. 

I'm sad. I feel a little lost. I'm scared. I feel lonely. I feel empty. I feel panicked. 

...I may be in distress. I need to go to that site. 

I'm also really fucking tired. I laid down on the floor to help my panic earlier and almost fell asleep. 

~

I found a new DBT skill on that site but my chest starting hurting so I'm just gonna close my eyes.