04PC - processing

I woke up a little scared today. 

I was shaken and jittery. 

I'm still mentally exhausted with a little jitter lingering. 

~

Also, you (her girlfriend) called me a challenge but then asked me to let you know how to Candice feel better?

On one hand, I am the right person to ask, ironically. 

On the other hand, this is so fucked up.

~

Also, I was fucking right. Candice wants to stay with her girlfriend even though she doesn't emotionally support her.

So of she really was trying to figure things out with her girlfriend, I am probably the only reason they're still together. Candice was getting her emotional support from me and getting everything else from her girlfriend.

She was using me. Even after I told her I liked her. If she wanted to be with me she could have. She just wanted to use me. So she used my feelings for her as an excuse to start using me again.

Bitch.

I wonder what it's like to hear her cry.

And was she really crying all morning?

.... honestly, probably. If she really does have BPD. 

I haven't ever seen her this upset 

Well that's because she knows it's true and she knows it's her fault. 

~

Also, I still feel terrible because if Candice was crying all morning, it is so sad that her girlfriend has no idea how to console her. 

Candice has been through a lot and it's sad that even after her last relationship, she chose another partner to put her feelings last.

And I would have given her everything. But she couldn't even find it in herself to give me the one thing I wanted from her. 

I feel terrible that she couldn't find it in herself to choose herself. Instead she hurt me, pushed me away, and then stabbed me in the fucking back in the worst way I have ever experienced. And she only got sad when I told my truth. She didn't feel any type a way about me wanting to quit or me actually quitting. 

~

Even when she replied to my review, she chose to save face and save her company that's not even at risk of anything.

And then she twisted the knife in my chest on her way out.

~

Aaaaand now I want to cry.

I'll update later. But it's after talking about sex stuff with Maddy and Andrea.

Fucking A. I can't have ANY fucking thing.

Everything I want is out of reach or I'm constantly being told it's impossible.

I'm so fucking TIRED and defeated and upset.

~

And also I'm angry at God.

Because when is it my time? Are we all born to never truly experience joy? We're all born to just be disappointed?

I understand there's no real guarantee in life but everything I have experienced, everything I've learned, everything anybody ever says is that all you have to do to be happy is settle.

And what the FUCK?

I may as well stick to my vibrator if that's the fucking case!

I can't ever be loved? I can't ever be in love?

I can't ever find someone to respect me? Someone to want the best for me? Someone to long for me? Someone who cares?

I'm destined to be alone and disappointed forever? What kind of shit is that?

All people keep saying is "most relationships don't work" "sex is not that great"

But everyone keeps doing it and when it doesn't work or when it's not great, they complain. 

But why are you complaining if all you expect is things to not work or not be great? What else were you expecting if that's all you believe?

All I keep hearing from people is "you will never be as happy as you want to be"

Why can't I be happy? Why can't I want more?

How am I supposed to not settle by settling?

~

People tell me they don't want to see me sad but in the same breath they will see the things I want to make me happy don't exist.

So I'm just gonna be sad?

Because if the things I want to make me happy don't exist, does that mean settling for being unhappy is the only way to be happy?

That doesn't make sense. That cannot be right. 

~

I think that's what's wrong with me right now.

I just want to be happy.

I hoped I could be happy with Candice if things ever changed but I knew I couldn't be happy with how things were. 

I knew I was happy at the gym as long as Candice left me alone.

She stole my hope for her to come around. She kept stealing my peace. And she snatched my happiness away from me and had the audacity to be more upset than me about my pain.

And while I recover and try to find happiness elsewhere, I have this playing in the back of my head. 

I have Andrea telling me most relationships don't work as if I don't know that.

I have Maddy saying most sex is bad as if I don't know that.

Why can't I expect more? I understand disappointment doesn't go away but I can't have any hope?

...and there it is.

My hope was taken from me. 

My hope for Brea, my hope for Candice, my hope for the gym, my hope for my family.

I don't know what to do.

~

I wanted to be happy and Candice told me to be happy somewhere else. And then she stole my pain and claimed it as her own.

~

I'm so fucking of being treated like a fucking child because I haven't had sex and haven't been in a relationship.

I'm tired of being given sympathy looks because I want to be happy.

What the FUCK is wrong with wanting to be happy? Why the FUCK can't I want to be happy?

I don't want perfect. I'm not being idealistic. I'm not being unreasonable.

And you wanna fucking know why I know that?

Because the moment Candice offered to start our emotional affair up again, I told her know. Because talking to her is not enough. Talking to her no longer made me happy. So I stopped.

If I'm so idealistic, if I'm so stupid, if I'm so blind, if I'm so helpless, why the fuck was I able to tell her know. Why the fuck didn't I cry to her and literally beg her to leave me alone? Why the fuck didn't I just cave?

Because I know what the fuck I want and that's not it. 

I want to be happy. Why is that such an unrealistic goal to have?

~

I'm not asking for perfection, I'm asking for effort.

And I'm glad I started journaling instead of wallowing in hopelessness.

I am fucking sick of being told to have a limited belief system.

And I'm not expecting to mold people or change people or settle.

I want what I want and if I can't have it, that's fine.

But why can't I at least go looking.

I'm know I'm not guaranteed to immediately fall into what I want. I mean, it'd be fucking nice but I get that. 

And even when I find what I want, I know the work doesn't stop there. 

I'm smart. I'm kind. And I'm fucking worthy. 

~

And I'm fucking strong. 

Andrea is now transferring her worry from me to Maddy. 

"I don't want her feelings to be hurt"

While I understand the sentiment, that's impossible for anyone that's actively experiencing life.

Life includes, love and heartbreak, joy and anger, celebration and frustration, confidence and uncertainty, bravery and fear.

The only way to keep someone "safe" is to keep them sheltered and stuck.

Hurt feelings come with being present and experiencing life as it happens. 

And life does not end at hurt feelings. 

That's ALSO part of my struggle.

That statement. Because she told me that. I don't want you to get hurt.

Well do you want me to live fully or do you want me to go back to the way i was? Unhappy, hopeless, scared, and unsure. And unworthy.

That's my issue. Don't shelter me. 

I've spent my entire life being sheltered. I don't want to be captive to fear any fucking more. 

~

I got a group text from the bar gym girlies asking if anyone was doing class tomorrow.

I said no because I quit. 

No one asked why, but they expressed how sad they were. They asked if I found another gym. I said yes. And I asked them to give my number to Courtney and they said yes. I told them I wanted to keep my friends I was making and they said of course. And they offered to still do dancing and I was so happy.

~

I made it to the venue! I'm very happy.

~

Finally seated. Listening to them warm up.

I like my seats but I am learning that I prefer to sit higher for the orchestra 

~

Turns out, they did the movie with the orchestra!

And as soon as I got in my car, I sent a voice note ending things with Brea. And she texted me while I was on my way to get McDonald's. So I pulled over to a random Walmart and texted her back. 

I felt and feel so much lighter. No regret at all. 

Her response was a little meh but hey. 

I did it. 

I really didn't want to bring this into next month, this week was already shitty, and I'm redoing my hair. 

I want a fresh start, sans drama, sans overthinking, worrying, questioning. 

~

Also, all I asked Candice to do was stop checking in on me and she refused.

She not only lied by saying"I can't do that, it's my job". That's her also saying even though something as "small and inconsequential" as a check in makes you uncomfortable, I won't stop because me checking in with you is more important than you feeling comfortable.

She basically lied and said check ins are mandatory and you should quit if you don't like it.

Check-ins are really that important? You'd rather a member quit than you just stop doing?

~

And the more and more I thought about Brea, I knew I was right.  

I'm scared of weighted blankets but Ive always wanted to try on. So I was gonna get a baby weighted blanket from Brittany that she was gonna donate. We missed each other when I was in town, so I couldn't get it. That was fine.

A few weeks before, I'd drop shipped a gift to Brea just because. 

Next thing I know, I'm opening up an adult sized weighted blanket. It scared me because they scare me and then I was mad.

I get fresh eggs from Brittany, all of a sudden Brea has fresh eggs from her aunt and gets interested in buying fresh eggs locally. 

I buy me and Brittany matching slippers, Brea asked why don't have matching slippers. 

I have easy therapy talks with Candice and then Brea's in therapy. 

And I knew this was coming when I rewatched Insecure. They're dynamic was unhealthy and it was minorly similar to ours. 

I know alot about random stuff so I'm often correcting Brea politely. Brea likes to challenge things I know to be true and she's rarely right. 

And Superbowl Sunday? She was jealous of me and Tori catching up even though we're all in the same vehicle. She kept saying she couldn't hear. And her being a sore loser at IKYFL was very uncomfortable. 

Her showing interest in Siana's Instagram class by buying in and being big about posting for a bit even though it didn't work. 

Her showing interest in CiCis non profit by donating to it even though she almost couldn't afford it and attending the group thingies even though she didn't like it. 

~

Her COVID pity party. I drove to her house to surprise her with some stuff for quarantine after work when she lived over an hour away because she was sad about having to stay home on her birthday. 

I get there and she's not even home. Instead, she was shamelessly driving around to multiple places to pick up her free birthday stuff from different stores. And then tried to justify her actions. 

I was so mad. 

Her joking to one of the two guys that she slept with during her spiral and telling him she was pregnant and she let him believe for almost a full conversation. She thought that was funny. 

Her shaming her sister for getting her car repossessed and her brother getting evicted even though she was scrambling to keep from getting evicted not even a month before. 

It's just a lot of things I don't want to deal with anymore.