03PC - coming down

So I've been up since my first alarm at like 5, rereading all the things. 

I'm still in disbelief. I also Googled tumultuous. I knew that was the word I wanted to use, but I wanted to be certain I chose correctly. 

I definitely did: https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-love/tumultuous-relationship#google_vignette

I also figured out how her girlfriend found me. I have my Instagram handle on my Google Review account. So she read my review, and took it upon herself to reach out to me.

Well, that was a mistake. Also, what a fucking crazy thing to do.  

Ugh. 

I hope this is the end but something's telling me it's not. I highly doubt that Candice was the first person to see my review. I really feel like someone working for her saw it and let her know. Because why are you off work but checking Google reviews.

And she certainly has to have BPD. You went crying to your girlfriend about my review?

~

Candice is not the end all, be all. 

Even if she was, I'd reaher be all myself.

(Thank you, I'll be here all week)

~

Before I start work, here's where my brain is at with processing things.

I've been asking myself why?

Why would Candice do what she did to me and then cry about me leaving the a review?

Maybe she's blaming the review, but she's really hurt about me basically ending things for good this time?

Because crying all morning about my review doesn't make sense.

Crying all morning because she person she wanted was finally done with this back and forth? That makes sense.

But she has fucked up. She could've even come back from that email she sent me. She could've maaaaaybe come back from her girlfriend reaching out to me.

Because, c'mon now. You don't know how to console your girlfriend who you love and have been with for years so you're reaching out to a stranger on the Internet?

I feel really bad for her because I know she's finally feeling what I've felt, if I'm even right.

But she will never be able to come back from publicly gaslighting me to save herself.

~

And noooooow, I'm thinking:

You know we want to see you succeed and I do hope you find what you're looking for.

It's personal, alright. But is she being kind and feeling defeated.

Or is she being passive aggressive

~

My feelers are still a little hurt, not gonna lie.

But I'm not crushed anymore.

I feel vindicated and her actions, and those of her girlfriend, completely validated my experience. 

~

Currently at work on the toilet.

I had a moment today where I was hanging out with Andrea after work and panic set in.

What if Candice really does like me and she was crying because she's so hurt because I left and she really didn't want me to?

What if her girlfriend is a narcissist who's abusive and Candice doesn't know how to leave her?

What if I messed up by airing Candice's business and now her girlfriend is reaming her because of me? What if she just sent me that message to get me to be honest?

What if her girlfriend saw my email came in to her at almost 10pm on a Friday and asked 'what the fuck is that?' What if her girlfriend is the one I was talking to in that email?

But as soon as I opened my diary to write all these thoughts down, I remembered a few other things.

If Candice wanted to keep me around, she wouldn't have continued to email me. She would have cut the conversation short by scheduling a time to talk to me instead. 

If she really cared about me, there are so many other ways she could have handled things. 

She could have ignored my email and called me instead. She could have ignored my email and just come up to the gym instead.

She could have been honest.

And if she wanted to keep me around, all she had to do was respect my boundaries. 

Her response to my email was mean.

Her response to my review was mean.

She has seriously fucked with my head. 

~

I was right about one thing: Candice's girlfriend does not know how to emotionally support her. She was getting that from me.

I  haven't ever seen her this upset, I'm not sure what to do or how to comfort her.

And yall have been together for how long?

And if Candice wanted to make things work with me she would have broke up with her girlfriend, immediately reached out to me, and asked to talk.

She didn't do that. 

And the tone of her last email to me said she would never do that.

I'm also still so confused as to why she was so upset. She sure as shit didn't call me to pour her heart out. 

She blamed me. She made me the villain. 

 she is still incredibly hurt and confused.

SHE'S incredibly hurt and confused?!

She has some nerve. Especially when I just talked to her Monday morning and quit that afternoon.

Dear future me, who I know is reading this because you're overthinking and want a reminder of why Candice didn't just be honest and choose me and love me.

I love you but I'm gonna be blunt for the sake of me now and me later: she did not truly want to be with me. She was fine with me leaving. She knew I was upset that morning when I was email her and she told me to quit. She wasn't pushing me away out of love. She pushed me away to protect herself because she was showing her hand around the gym more and more and we both knew it was only a matter of time before things got bad because of it. I quit and she said nothing. Not a peep. She is not and was not upset about me quitting. She knew I was quitting Monday evening. And if she didn't, I promise she knew before Libby processed my cancellation. There is no way Libby processed that without letting Candice know. She's the fucking owner.

Candice was not inconsolable when I emailed her.

Candice was not inconsolable when I quit. 

Candice was not inconsolable when my cancellation was processed. 

Candice was inconsolable when I decided to voice my experience online. 

Candice was inconsolable because she was worried about her image. She was worried about herself-- not me. 

All Candice ever did was take care of her needs at my expense. I saw it, but I never truly pinpointed it.

Candice is selfish. 

Sure I trusted her. Sure a part of me believes she is a poor soul who needs help.

Candice only cares about me enough to keep me around to appease her.

When she started ignoring me, everything was fine.

But the second I told her no, there was an issue. 

Candice went from crying about a bad review to lying to her girlfriend about how the gym operates to keep her.  

She's willing to put on a show to stay with her girlfriend. But she's unwilling to do one simple thing for me, the person she said was her friend.

I'm now starting to wonder if the one other person to tell her they like her (if that's true) is her fucking girlfriend.

BITCH what the fuck would make you think ANYTHING about me was weak-minded and unwilling to choose myself.

You little SHIT. 

....ok pause lol. Deep breaths.

This may be the rollercoaster of emotions my therapist wanted me to keep an eye on.

They don't feel as sharp as a heart monitor zigzag. More like waves. 

Because I've been feeling guilty and regretful and second guessing my decision for most of the day. 

But now that I have time to write and process those feelings, I'm angry again. 

~

Also, my heart starts racing every time I get a notification. 

A part of me is like why is my phone so quiet? When are people gonna reach out? Will people ever reach out? Do they care? What is everyone talking about? Do they know? What does everyone know? What do they believe? Will people miss me? 

Do people care?

~

I can't believe she gaslit me.

And had the nerve to cry?!

~

She doesn't want to save me. She doesn't want to save things with me.

She wants to save herself 

~

Well, I did follow another gym friend. She immediately followed me back. 

Maybe I can keep hanging out with her. 

~

As soon as I finally start relaxing, my body wants to shut down. 

So I've been making myself stay up. I think it's best for me to go to bed.

This week has been exhausting. 

~

I'm rereading the DMs and this bitch really took the time to not only reach out to me and beg me to help her help her girlfriend, she has the audacity to think of different emojis to include to help convey her message.

NIGGA

Whatever drugs she MUST be on, give em here because what the fuck