what living looks like

I fucking can't even LOL. I can't WAIT to type up this new info.  That part of me that does feel bad for Candice, still does. BUT this is castle you built and the hell you created, bitch. And instead of letting go, you make the mistake of leaning in. And now I know more than you ever thought I would. *Birdman hand rubbing meme* I'm squirting toniiiiiight baby lol. (I'm high and it's like 30 mins til midnight so it's technically day 8 still but oh well). Thank you for being the lesson that taught me I can take care of myself. ~ I got FRIIIIIEEEEENDS, BITCH. GO FUCK YOURSELF!!  I'M DOING THE WORK AND IT SHOOOOOOOOWS. OHMYGAH OHMYGAH WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT  I am gonna be transcribing the night away tomorrow lol.  It's like I got my confidence back. I kept wondering if maybe I'd made a mistake. ~ ~ I sent one more email to her this morning for myself. I got my last payment confirmation from the gym and that plus hearin...

Moving on requires letting go. Letting to of my narrative, control, Candice, the friends I will lose, how I am perceived, how I will be perceived. This part is also really fucking hard because I know I took care of myself and I will be better for it. But there's a little a part of me that feels like she won. And I know our situations are different, but I wonder how Libby's husband felt.  ~ And because Candice gaslit me once in private and again in public, I can't trust her and it scares me because I never thought she'd do that. And if she's willing to do that , what won't she do. ~ This is how people accept things  ...The Healing Process... It isn't particularly comfortable. In fact, it's awkward and often painful.  We may feel like we're falling apart.  When the process begins, we usually feel shock and panic. As we go through the stages, we often feel confused, vulnerable, lonely, and isolated.  WELP! Codependent No More is just snatching my wig CL...

I had a dream about my class at the new gym. It was fun enough. I was assigned a team lead for the workout. As we were sitting and waiting on teams to finish being assigned, I turned to my right and met one named Savage. He was really nice and kind of cute. I smiled and laughed because he looked so happy and introduced myself. He took my hand to shake it and DJ (from my last gym) spoke from behind us. I'd never seen him untill then.  DJ told him to watch himself. And I was like 'ohmygah, no way he's cock blocking me because of fucking Candice. She doesn't want me' And Savage smiles and said "I'm good but I ain't never--" and he was just smiling really big as his eyes took me in.  And then I had a dream Candice and I were together. We were in Kohl's and I was shoe shopping. And then we were in a bed somewhere and we were snuggling and cuddling. And we fell asleep together, both of us on top of the covers, Candice's head laying on my stomach....

I never expected I'd be nursing my CPTSD post-Candice.  When I finally fell asleep, I could feel myself panicking. I was so freaked out I tried to wake myself up. But then I remembered I was safe and talked myself back down.  ~ Well my family is getting on my nerves so that's great.  I have been in bed all day becausey sleep schedule has been fucked since Friday.  They woke me up by calling me twice.  I finally wake up on my own to two texts: Do I want to go with them to see the house today and do I want to go get food.  Both of my sisters know I've been up all night and would be knocked out because they saw me at like 4 am this morning going to pee and grabbing pizza rolls. The dog is even sleeping still. 1. They already knew about this house and have been talking because she called it "that house" What fucking house? 2. I find it hard to believe they scheduled a last minute viewing on a Sunday in the Bible Belt of America. It feels more like they don't wa...

I took my hair down last night. I took my time last night and it took forever. I washed it for the thr first time in like a month. And now I'm gonna pace myself putting it back up.  ~ I also have another urge to check her Instagram. So I'm gonna put my text to Tori this morning in here before I put my phone down for a bit.  I honestly think Candice thought I'd just cave and start things up with her again because she kept playing on my attraction to her. I know that's the case now that her LONG-TERM GIRLFRIEND reached out to a random member of her gym to figure out how to take care of her emotionally. I was Candice's emotional support animal and her girlfriend got to do the rest. She wanted the both of us.  I don't think she thought I'd actually quit because she knows I really wanted to stay.  I was Candice's emotional support animal. As long as I wasn't giving in to her, she didn't want me around her gym having fun with everyone else.   she is st...

I woke up a little scared today.  I was shaken and jittery.  I'm still mentally exhausted with a little jitter lingering.  ~ Also, you (her girlfriend) called me a challenge but then asked me to let you know how to Candice feel better? On one hand, I am the right person to ask, ironically.  On the other hand, this is so fucked up. ~ Also, I was fucking right. Candice wants to stay with her girlfriend even though she doesn't emotionally support her. So of she really was trying to figure things out with her girlfriend, I am probably the only reason they're still together. Candice was getting her emotional support from me and getting everything else from her girlfriend. She was using me. Even after I told her I liked her. If she wanted to be with me she could have. She just wanted to use me. So she used my feelings for her as an excuse to start using me again. Bitch. I wonder what it's like to hear her cry. And was she really crying all morning? .... honestly, probably....

So I've been up since my first alarm at like 5, rereading all the things.  I'm still in disbelief. I also Googled tumultuous. I knew that was the word I wanted to use, but I wanted to be certain I chose correctly.  I definitely did: https://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/better-love/tumultuous-relationship#google_vignette I also figured out how her girlfriend found me. I have my Instagram handle on my Google Review account. So she read my review, and took it upon herself to reach out to me. Well, that was a mistake. Also, what a fucking crazy thing to do.   Ugh.  I hope this is the end but something's telling me it's not. I highly doubt that Candice was the first person to see my review. I really feel like someone working for her saw it and let her know. Because why are you off work but checking Google reviews. And she certainly has to have BPD. You went crying to your girlfriend about my review? ~ Candice is not the end all, be all.  Even if she was, I'd rea...

I'm up way earlier than I want to be and I had to break my sleep that was the best sleep I've had in a while. It's not fair. She stole from me. The pettiest thing I could do is leave a Google Review with snapshots of our correspondence.  ~ Or I could start planting seeds. Text and ask for a link to their Google Account. I'm gonna do it because I need something. ~ I did it.  I didn't text and ask for a link. I just went to their page and did it. It's honest and it's professional: I really enjoyed my time at the gym. I loved the classes and friends I made there but had a tumultuous relationship with ownership that negatively affected my experience. It unfortunately overshadowed the things I loved most because ownership was unwilling to compromise and it became too uncomfortable so I decided to quit. I hope anyone who decides to join has a better experience. Next step: getting people to like it.  ~ In a matter of 2 hours, shit has hit the fan. I was unsure abou...