love & liberation

I'm riding the fence on whether love matters at all.

This world is full of people pretending, presenting as one thing and living their lives differently.

How many people actually really care about those around them?

How many people are doing what they want to do with no regard to the who they hurt?

How many people assume that people will be fine no matter what they do to upset them?

I have a family that says they love me but:

I have a shitty dad who never financially supported his family and literally abandoned another.

I have a mother who has always overworked herself to support this family but also out of an invisible obligation to unkind people. 

I understand that we only do what we have capacity for but where does that leave others, especially when we are not clear and honest with the people we encounter. 

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More and more I'm learning that I liked the version of these people they pretended to be.

I liked who Candice pretended to be. She's not that person and I don't know if she ever was.

I don't like her, as she is right now. The lying, the manipulation, the abandoning, the selfishness, the pretending.

I liked the person I thought she was. I trusted the person I thought she was. I'm grieving the person I thought she was.

I made at who she actually is because both versions of her hurt me.

I don't know who she actually is, which version of her is real.

I'm not extending anymore vulnerability to her because she doesn't have the capability to fully hold it.

She has fractured herself into versions that have fractured my trust, my heart, my understanding, my thoughts, my beliefs, my care, my kindness, my hope.

That's why I'm mad.

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I would love for this year to be my year of liberation.

I want to have fun, I want to have sex, I want to move out, I want to live for myself.

This year, I want a healthy and safe liberation.

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Like, I've been feeling like my life is in turmoil and she has her fucking head in the clouds, ignoring all the shit she's done and coming back all bubbly as if everything is fine between us.

How fucking delusional can you be?

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Nikolas is still really flirty. 

I really contemplated going to Greece this year. He did offer to let me stay with him. 

Idk. It's tempting. I just might do it.

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I brought it up and he's still down so idk. We'll see.