she may like me, but she doesn't care about me

It's never gonna happen between Candice and I.

She doesn't even want to be around me.

Every time we get two close, she runs away to Austin with her girlfriend. 

The only thing she is clear about is who she wants to be with. 

And that's not me.

I keep checking her Instagram and I hope today was the last time.

Her being away is the best thing for both of us even though a part of me doesn't want that. 

That doesn't matter. There's just confusion.

She has been and is continuously choosing to leave me holding nothing but regret, confusion, and hurt feelings.

She loves her girlfriend, not me. 

She wants to be with her girlfriend, not me. 

She doesn't want to fix anything with me. She doesn't want to be in the same building as me. 

I am her problem, not the answer she's looking for.

I want to let her go. I really fucking do. 

It's just really hard. 

Things with her sucked more than they were great. Things with my family suck. Things with Brea suck. 

I'm in the midst of lots of relationship changes and I don't want all the heavy emotions that come with it.

It's a lot of painful work that sucks and I hate it and I hate this experience and I hate her for screwing with my head. I hate my family for not leaving room for me, never really making space for me.

I hate myself for not seeing all of these things sooner. 

For some reason, out of all the relationships I have up in the air, I thought that maybe ours would be the one that worked itself out.

She doesn't care about me or my feelings.

I have been left confused, crying, I've had to block her, ignore her in person, all these things to circumvent her and her actions.

And her actions repeatedly tell me that she doesn't like me enough to change her life plans.

Her life plans get to stay the same and I'm stuck holding this shit stuck every fucking time.

She really does not care about me.

I hate this experience with her. 

And I truly wish it never happened. I wish I never met her. I wish I never experienced what it was like to be around her.

She made a fool of me. In front of other members, in front of my friends, in front of me. 

And when I was pushed by people around me time and time to quit the gym, I stayed. I stayed with egg all over my fucking face. 

And she left to go live her life, worry free and happy with the girlfriend she loves while I'm stuck in this shitty situation by myself.

Again.

This is the second February that's been shitty to me. 

Last year it was my dad right before Valentine's Day. This year was Candice right before Valentine's Day.

I'm just really hurt. And I'm mad that it's ruining my little edible I took lol. I'm snotting and crying when I should be happy.

I just want to actually be happy. 

I keep getting left to hold these pieces I never asked for. 

And it's always me doing the hard work. It feels like I'm the only one actually making an effort to try to be a better person.

To be kind. To be compassionate. To be honest.

I want nothing to do with her.

I hope she continues to avoid me. I hope I never run into her again. 

I hope she moves away.

She may like me but she does not care about me. Nothing she does says she cares about me or how she makes me feel.

Last year, she chose her girlfriend.

She got really close, her girlfriend came and she ran away to Austin during the time that she disappeared. Mia told me where she when she disappeared last year.

This year, she chose her girlfriend. 

She got too close after I warned her, her girlfriend came and she ran away to Austin.

I'm not her choice. I never have been. I never was. I never will be.

It just seems like everyone who hurts me gets to go off and be happy and I'm stuck.

I've been stuck for so long and I'm so mad.

I've been having stomach trouble again, I'm spotting, my scalp has been flaring up.

I feel so shattered but not.

And I now right now is the breakdown to my breakthrough post EMDR. I knew it was coming. I'd been having small ones from time to time. But this is the one.

I just know how long it's gonna take to turn things around. 

~

My boundaries don't benefit her so she wants nothing to do with me.

I chose myself.

She didn't want me to choose me, she wants me to choose her.

She is repeatedly ignored my boundaries because they didn't benefit her.

What really sucks is knowing that she mattered to me and I never really mattered to her.

She was using me and the moment I made it crystal clear that I didn't want that, she abandoned me without a second thought.

Again, I'm the only one hurt. The last man standing alone and in pain.

~

She really took everything she knew about me and chose to hurt me anyway.

She doesn't care about me.

I feel so terrible. 

I'm having a moment where knowing that I'm doing the hard work, knowing that I'm doing the best I can and it feels like it's not enough. 

I feel like this house I spent years building and living in has been knocked down. I'm starting over.

I have to start over more aware, more hurt, more unsure. 

And I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not doing this alone.

But losing and letting go of people I thought would hold space differently hurts really fucking bad. 

I feel like I'm reliving the season I had after I had it out with my sister, after I left my church.

So many things suck so much more.

Knowing that my family doesn't love me enough to accept and respect me. Knowing the Candice doesn't like me enough to even respect my boundaries.

It fucking sucks. 

~

I am enough. 

But I am not enough of a reason for either parties to change their way of being.

That is a very hurtful rejection. 

~

She's posting that she loves her girlfriend and they're kissing, meanwhile I have a 5" burn on my body I got because I was busy thinking about her when I should have been paying attention in the kitchen.

I hate her.

I'm hoping that she's left, gonna get therapy to work on herself, break up with her girlfriend, aaaaaall to come back to me, happy, ready, and willing.

She's left hoping I forget all about her, she can focus on her girlfriend, and I'm not even on her fucking radar as something to look forward to coming back to. 

~

She is where she wants to be. And it seems like the person she's in closest proximity to, gets her attention. 

When she's around me, she's up my ass and digitally with her girlfriend. When she's around her girlfriend, she up her ass and digitally trying to be with me. And when we're both in her proximity, she straddles the fucking fence.

~

I want to go to her Instagram again to see her kissing her girlfriend. Her girlfriend that she loves.

Why am I experiencing this?

What is the point in meeting people that hurt you with no remorse, no nothing. 

I'm just really upset. 

I'm really upset.

Please, God. I don't wanna be crying like this for my birthday.

Right now it feels like it's gonna take forever for me to get over Candice. 

~

I am miserable.

Candice is living her best life with her girlfriend, my family has moved on without me.

I have never been so hurt in my life. 

~

She doesn't love me. She doesn't respect me. She never apologized for anything. She never shows remorse, only fear and uncomfortability. 

She does not care about me. I'm not her priority and I never have been and I never will be. 

All she keeps doing, without fail, is disappointing me and disappearing. 

She fucking sucks. She keeps showing me how much she fucking sucks.

I just wanna lay in bed.  

Last week in therapy, Brittany asked me to think about what emotion I wanted to replace doubt.

Right now, it's devastation. 

Devastation.

I also destroyed the Candice canvas while I was crying earlier. So that no longer exists. 

I felt good to hear the canvas pop behind the sound of my tears.

"My Loves"... Go fuck yourself. 

~

I just want someone to make her jealous with. Someone to consensually fuck me silly. Someone that will spoil me to no end, take care of my emotional needs. 

I want some filler.

I want some get back. 

I want something that's actually good for once in my fucking life. 

I honestly feel like what's the point of doing all this hard work? I already had no prospects and now I'm so aware and hurt that I have less of an urge to attach myself to someone else intimately. 

~

She's also probably fucking this girl non-stop if she's just been in Austin this whole time not doing anything. Her job is here and she is not.

Fucking disgusting.

She's fucking her and fucking me over. 

And that's just great. 

I'm singing, dreaming, hoping about her and she could not give less of a fuck about me.

She treated me like shit. She treats me like shit. 

And the moment she realized she couldn't use me, she disposed of me like it was nothing.

She's not the person I want her to be and she probably never will be. The fact that she was willing to fuck a man she didn't even want to be in a relationship with just to keep a wife who not only didn't want her, but was using her is proof enough. That should've been proof enough.

She'd rather stay put than do anything challenging. I was never it for her.

I will never be it for her. 

She doesn't care about me. She pursued an intimate relationship with me, knowing I don't do intimacy. Those words literally came out of my mouth. 

But I thought I could trust her with my heart. Turns out, I can't and I never should have.

I gave her specific instructions on how to treat me and she ignored them.

So, take your path of least resistance you fucking pussy. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like you.

You fucking suck. You used me and had the audacity to try and get close to me again.

"I know I haven't been around" Go FUCK yourself. 

You fucked with my head and then immediately ran away AGAIN not even 2 weeks later. 

Get fucked, you spineless little shit-faced poser. Did you ever even want to actually help me? Or did you just want me all to yourself?

I hope if I ever have to see you again, my heart only fills with all the suffering you put me through. 

My fucking eyes are itchy, they're so swollen and your wrapped around your fucking girlfriend, hiding from the mess you made. 

You're the fucking worst. Pretending to be one thing, obviously doing another, and washing your hands of both without an ounce of professionalism or respect for me.

~

I have surrounded myself by so make takers. And I know I handled things with Candice the right way. I jus hate it took so long, I hate a part of me still holds on to hope.

Someone who wants me, will want me. Someone who cares about me, will care about me.

She doesn't.

This is really hard. Knowing this is really hard. Doing the hard work sucks. It feels like I'm the only one contributing to my life right now, like I'm the only one trying. And I know that's not the case. I'm making new friends, I'm opening up more. 

But it fucking sucks because Candice was the first person I've ever met who understood my struggles. And she used them to get close to me and then she left me vulnerable and alone. 

She's been posting all of this reflection crap and it's just bullshit. It's all bullshit.

She's a fucking liar. It's no wonder Bo is still at the gym even though he slept with Libby and helped to end her marriage and people left the gym. 

Bo is the path of least resistance. Her girlfriend is the path of least resistance. Letting longtime members leave the gym is the path of least resistance. 

And I can almost guarantee, the moment she wants to poke around me again, she won't come baring a single apology. 

She fucking sucks and I hate her.

~

What a fucking bitch. 

You fucking circle me like a shark to get me to talk to you and then you get defensive when I ask you to stop. You overcompensate around your girlfriend, you're literally waiting for me at the front desk one day, waiting for me outside the fucking bathroom, and then gone the next. 

I hope I hit it off with someone at the gym.

You've made this chaos and then abandoned it yet again as soon as you couldn't handle it.

So, by all means, keep pretending I don't exist and I'll do the same.