i think i may actually love her

That can't be right, can it?

But I think about her all the time,  I literally want to share my world with her, I want to tell her all the everythings. 

I want to just look at her. 

Looking at her makes me feel peace. 

Yes, she makes me nervous. Yes, she makes me mad. Yes, she's been the reason I've cried.

But looking at her feels like looking at someone I've known my entire life.

Her eyes hold many things. Her face shares many things. Her voice carries many things. 

Her presence takes up the air around me. 

I can see her. 

Her past, her drive, her agitation, her apology, her regret, her discomfort. 

But I have yet to hear her speak her truth since last summer. The most honest she's been was that statement she made to me.

"she knows she hasn't been there lately and how she has just been trying to be there for me"

I think I love her because even though I hate what she is doing and what she has done, I understand why.

And that doesn't excuse her actions but it does humanize her. 

I can finally see her past this big time competing champ, sole gym owner, former Marine. 

She's just a girl trying to figure out how to make the people around her happy.

She's where I'm leaving. 

I can't stay there for her. I can't go back.

I just really fucking hope she wakes up and catches up.