i really want to see her

I also really want to talk to her.

I just want-- I just want her. I want her to be with me. I don't want to have to avoid her. I don't want her to keep running from me.  

Like, I realized this morning that that's probably what's happening right now. It's the same dance but weirdly different.

Her girlfriend came, she acknowledged me so much so I had to avoid her, and as soon as her girlfriend left, she was gauging how pissed I was that Monday she was being really awkward. 

And now I haven't seen her in weeks.

~

Since my last reprocessing doubt is no longer as prevalent with her.

I'm more of less in disbelief that all of this happened. We were able to build something, although on shaky foundation, that has shook us both to our core.

Even at my most broken, I was still able to experience that with her. 

I really want to know how she felt during all of that, how she feels now.

~

I just keep realizing things for the first time.

My hair is longer now. Yesterday was the first time I worked out with long hair in forever. And I flipped it over my shoulder.

As soon as I did it I caught myself and went 'oh shit, this is what Candice was talking about'

I do flip my hair like that. And she noticed.

She noticed the way I flip my hair during a workout.

She sat by me at brunch because she wanted to sit by me.

She texted me a lot this year and kept asking me how I was doing because she wants to talk to me again.

She waited for me at the front door because she didn't want me to give me room to avoid her anymore.

And now I'm thinking she really did show up to the gym that Friday just to see me.

... ohmygah.

~

She has been making me laugh on purpose.

She did the earring thing with me that time for the same reason.

~

She was honestly flattered. 

She was blushing.

She was staring at me that day.

She was working out to me that day on purpose.

~

She was trying to ask me if I'm single. 

And that book she recommended to me... What was that about?

~

When she told me her favorite movie, that was real.

When she stared at me from across the table at the very first social she had the same look in her eyes as she did when I asked if we could leave her office after I told her I liked her.

~

It's all just making sense now. It's like I can see more of this picture but it still feels incomplete.

There's still nothing left for me to really do. I put the ball and her court and I guess I'm gonna just be here, doing life with this question in the back of my head. 

And when I came back from Branson, she was just as nervous as me. She also knew things were different now.

She inserted herself into my life. 

She pursued me. 

She likes me.

Likes me enough to open up, to try to keep me in her life, to make sure I'm happy, to run away from me, to distance herself to figure things out.

She was putting space between us on purpose. I still remember wanting to talk to her again and her blowing me off. That was when I went to the front desk and confronted her. 

That was when we planned to talk over my Branson trip.

.....what now?

~

Candice was off work and on her way to Austin to see her girlfriend and texting me to schedule a meeting because she wanted to talk to me.

Candice was on vacation with her girlfriend and watching my Stories religiously because she wanted to keep up with me.

Candice never said anything about being in my Close Friends because she knew that was me accepting us and letting her in.

Candice texted me late at night and early in the morning while she was off work and with her girlfriend a few days before Christmas because she was thinking about me and wanted talk to me.

Candice liked that picture in my Stories because it did resonate with her. 

"We can't always change what's happening around us, but we can change what happens within us."

~

Uuuuuuhhmmm. It also has dawned on me that she knows I was talking about her in that meeting.

When I brought up wanting to have a difficult conversation with someone and then shared how I experienced self gaslighting about it. Making myself believe none of it was really happening, it was all in my head, and to not have the talk.

... oh, fuck. She knew. 

She knows.