i met someone

I met someone.

Literally the second thing he ever said to me was a compliment. 

He said 'Hi, I like your hair, is it dreads'

I was high as a kite, zooted and booted. Didn't even think he was paying attention to me because no one really knew who I was. I assumed they were just doing pleasantries, going through the motions.

I tuned in and was like 'ohmygah is he flirting' I looked in his eyes and was like 'oh, he's kinda cute'

But out loud I said 'thank you, there are. It's not my hair but it's like attached to it' Straight fumbling. 

And then I laughed at myself. 

Throughout the evening, I thought about what it's be like to be with Candice. All through the day honestly since last night. Enjoying the camp fire with her, getting ready for bed with her, going to bed next to each other. Cuddling, talking, touching, playing, moaning.

I'm also high from my second bong rip ever, so lips are loose at this point.

Anyways, that interaction with him immediately made me think of her. 

That's the first thing she ever said to me after we saw each other for the first time since my confession. 

And, yes. Other people have complimented my hair before. 

But this is the first person to flirt with me using that line besides her. 

But then we sat to each other when the food was ready. 

There were two instances:

I was high lol. So when I came back to the table with my ribs, I stood there staring at my plate. And my work friend's husband was like 'you know you wanna get some more.'

And I laughed and said 'I do. I'm thinking know if I'm gonna wanna get back up' And I turned around to get more ribs

And I felt him looking.

And then when I was eating my ribs, I used a fork because I have long acrylics and they're a pain to clean. At one point, I went and licked the sauce off my hands.

I pinched my thumb and first two fingers together and sucked them into my mouth. 

And I felt him looking.

And then we all started talking. And then just us were talking. And then my work friend's husband said 'or maybe yall could exchange numbers and talk about this'

And I laughed and said we could do that. 

And then it was just us at the table.  

He was handsome but troubled. I could tell.

And then he shared some big life moments with me. Very personal information up front.

And he was full of theories. Some questionable, like semen retention which he told me he was doing. Some reasonable, like law of attraction.

But I just stared into his eyes and didn't feel it. It didn't feel like it does with her.

No spark.

No chemistry-- just attraction. 

I just kept thinking you could ask to finger me right now and I'll probably say yes. I was even hoping he'd give me a kiss before we left. He'd give me a kiss, that way I'd have some experience when Candice and I finally kiss. 

He did nether. He didn't even ask for my number. And I made myself available verbally and physically.

And he is part owner of this successful company with his brother, 34, really nice, fairly smart. And nothing.

And apparently he started doing semen retention to build up the courage to break up with his girlfriend. Because she had no drive, no goals. He told my work friend's husband days ago he's been nervous about doing it but knew he had to do it for his happiness and for her. He was scared he would chicken out and not do it. But he was also scared that he would do it and not be able to stick to his decision if she got emotional. So he's been doing semen retention lol.

But I respected his ability to be honest about what he wanted and committed to his decision to put his needs first because his needs are just as important as hers.  

But that immediately made me think of Candice. 

Why can't she be honest about what she wants and commit to her decision. 

I told my work friend her secret last night. I wanted her to understand just how normal Candice is. 

She's not a villain. She's just been a victim for so long I'm sure she'd rather play it safe. 

It just doesn't make it less disappointing, less painful. 

Feeling the everything between us is real.

It's real to me.

I just want to accept her and she's pushing and pulling me. 

~

Why stick around to talk to me that Friday?

Why come in seemingly a day early to see me the next?

Why make it a point to speak to me that day her girlfriend was at the gym?

Why cock block me at that social? Why continue to try and be around me all night? Talk to me all night? Even the audacity to put me on front street in front of everyone to force me to talk to you? 

Why would you be obviously waiting on me to come in the gym that Monday? And then immediately find something to get me to talk to you? Then be waiting for me to come out of the bathroom? Then continue to walk past me? To join in on conversations I was having? Watching me with the dog?

She's so nervous around me and idk why. 

And I really really really wanted to text her yesterday. I really want her in my life.

Now I know why she'd watch my Stories, randomly message me. 

She feels the same way. 

She also just wanted to talk to me. Wanted to message me. Wanted to see me message her. 

At least she acted on that. 

I just wish she'd make the hard decision already. 

And I'm also scared that she never will.