i know how i feel... don't i

I know how I feel. 

I know what I think.

But I do not know how she feels or why she does what she does. 

~

And doubt it slowly creeping in. And it feels more heartbreaking than confusing or safe. 

Because what if everyone is right?

What if it's all in my head?

What if she has just been handling me poorly because of other circumstances?

I know what I know. I've been honest about how I feel...

Why would she want to talk to me or be there for me when she knows I like her?

Why did she get defensive when all she had to do was apologize for the confusion?

I don't fucking know. I wish she'd just handle things with me differently. 

I wish she'd be direct. 

'No I don't like you' 'Im sorry for the confusion, that was never my intention'

That sort of thing.

~

Maybe I've been projecting this whole time.

Maybe she is very happy with her girlfriend. 

Maybe when she said she was trying to figure things out with her girlfriend she meant figuring out how to move away to live with her. 

Maybe I'm mistaken but the connection felt very real.

~

After baby spiraling-- well, I don't know that I would even call it that.

After allowing myself to safely explore different angles and possibilities, I've been able to land in one safe space:

How she feels about me doesn't negate my experience with her and how that made/makes me feel. And I can be proud of the fact that I took ownership of my feelings, communicated them, and have been trying to keep healthy boundaries with her every since.

I can accept the fact that even if this is a one-way attraction, I actually still handled/am handling things as well as I can.

And whether or not she likes me, I still don't believe she's handled me well since I put up boundaries. She's given me more space during class, sure. But the making me laugh, the checking in on me-- it is confusing.

So, yeah.

I can feel how I feel even if I'm over here by myself.