i am not okay
Things just suck to no end right now.
Things were her, my family, I'm not making enough money to support myself.
I just feel surrounded by shit that is consistently permeating my good days.
I am not okay. Things actually suck and I hate it.
I hate the excuses I've made for people, I hate the space I saved for people, I hate that in my bed crying instead of sleeping.
I just want to yell. I want to scream and cry and punch something.
I hate these circumstances. They are shitty and annoying and uncomfortable and they suck and I feel like I suck and I can't watch movies peacefully.
I just want my life to be better. I can't believe this is my reality.
I just want to sleep and not wake up with swollen eyes but I've also been crying since 3pm yesterday so only one of those things are actually realistic.
~
I don't care if she broke up with her girlfriend tomorrow, all I'm gonna remember is how much time, energy and effort she spent to not be with me despite whatever feelings she has.
~
Everyone is so happy for her and no one sees what I'm actually going through because of her.
~
And if I ever needed a reminder about just how unhealthy our relationship was, I got one from myself this morning.
PAC Theory.
She is the child and I am the adult. It's clear as day. I keep having to step in and make things right. She runs away from her problems, she didn't confront me after I blocked her last year, when I told her we needed to talk she instantly went from herself to a child showing me stuff they found outside like I give a fuck, she flirted with me knowing I liked her and this isnt grade school this is her place of business, she wanted me to know I can talk to her but she couldnt just come out and say that so she decided to just keep fucking with me until I caved and she keeps trying to force and pretend like everything is ok.
It's dysfunctional.
~
I think I genuinely hate my life right now.
I hate the situation I'm in.
I hate a lot of things.
~
I think I am sinking into a depression.
Because I want to shame Candice, I want to yell at my family, I want to admonish Brea.
I'm hurt and everyone's just going about their life as if they didn't play a part in my pain.
~
Welp. I'm getting a $2000/yr raise.
I don't know if it was always coming or just because I'm sad and they feel sorry for me.
Either way it's what I've been praying for.
Is it gonna be enough to move out? Probably not.
But it's more and I'll take it.
~
I ate dinner sad.
I went to sleep sad.
I woke up sad. Went back to sleep angry.
Woke up sad and then immediately agitated by my family.
I got dressed sad.
I drove to work sad and I cried a little.
I ate breakfast sad.
I'm doing my job sad.
I'm listening to JOY Podcast sad. Although it has made me laugh out loud.
I got a raise and couldn't fully be happy.
And I just keep thinking about if I ever have to see Candice again. Because she's gonna be her normal childish self, poking around to see where I'm at.
I'll tell you where I am? Bitch I will fucking bite you, don't try it. Go fuck yourself. Keep pretending as if I don't exist. Keep avoiding me to avoid dealing with the shit you left me in.
Keep to your fucking self.
Just because you disappear and come back refreshed and happy does not mean when you come back, that's how you'll find me.
You're going to find exactly what you left behind-- turmoil.
~
Go fuck yourself.
~
I may just run away to Greece.
Fuck it because what's really keeping me here?
Let me get enough money and I'm sliding to Greece and swiping this cooch across that man's lip.
And if he's alright, I might actually consider staying. Who knows?
I'm game for almost anything right now.
~
And now I feel like I'm overreacting. But I also know that I'm not.
I'm not beating down this bitch's door, I'm not inboxing her girlfriend, I'm not tormenting her, I'm not telling her fucking secrets to anyone who will listen.
I'm not internalizing it. I'm getting all this shit off my fucking chest.
... honestly, maybe that's what I'm feeling-- the release of these feelings that have just been pent up inside of me.
~
And guess who decided to show their fucking face today.
I hadn't even been in the gym 2 minutes before she was immediately up my ass.
~
I'm also realizing now another version of "it's not me it's them".
Because I am great. I am special. And that's why takers take from me. That's why users use me.
It's not that I'm not great or not good enough. They don't want to give me anything in return. They just want to take. They just want to use.
~
Also, I talked to Andrea and was able to cuss and vocalize my frustrations. It felt wonderful.
And she says she understands things more now. She also had a feeling Candice would be back. She said she's scared Candice is gonna come back and get it my head and hurt my feelings again.
And I told her that already happened. I also told her I shared that fear, but it's already happened and I did the right thing. I told her after the talk last year, Candice started right back up on her bullshit and the talk I had with her this year was me shutting it down again.
I also feel a little happier to have her back at the gym because I finally got to SHIT ON HER.
Cause fuck you.
I saw her car as I was pulling in and my feathers fell immediately. I got angry, I started shaking from being nervous, whole nine.
I thought she would be waiting at the front desk but she wasn't. So I went to put my stuff down as fast as I could and as I was grabbing my bag to go to the bathroom, she swooped in.
All excited, breathing heavy from class, choosing to walk near me (I'm in a fuxking corner, mind you) to grab God only knows what, for what I have no idea. And she excitedly spoke to me and I disappointedly spoke back in passing as I jetted off to the bathroom.
Because what the fuck? How'd you even see me walk in if you're supposed to be working out?
I change, I notice her working out close to where I like to sit down and watch class as I was going to sit down.
Immediate thought? I will not be sitting down to watch class.
So I didn't.
And when I went to sit down, Libby came up to me and gave me a 'hi' but her tone said 'awe I know' and I gave her the same tone back.
Because, now that I thinking about it, we are basically in the same silly bitch boat. At least she got to fuck her idiot. And even though she lost her husband, she continues to show up with the same vigor at the gym.
I avoided walking past her when class started and felt great.
I didn't even look her in the face at all today. Felt fucking fantastic.
Although she did proceed to talk in the Open Gym with someone while we stretched. And I just felt like she was probably watching me because my spot is really near by.
So I made a point to talk to Andy and ask if he had a joke while we were stretching to make it clear to her that 'yes, bitch. I'm not talking to you.'
And I knew she was looking when we started bending over because she came behind me and talked briefly with the girl that was working out behind me. I could see her feet every time I did my down dog pose.
And she kept talking in the open gym well into our warm up.
And then she wasn't there.
And I enjoyed class. Andy was in a good mood.
And I left cackling at Andy and tried to quickly walk out of the gym to avoid her. I walked past her as she was busy with someone. She didn't speak and I was happy.
Then Libby and Jennifer spoke to me and I waved on my way out and felt great.
~
It felt really good to pull the emergency brake on her day.
I imagine she's been living in up aaaaaall day, "having BIG fun in Baltimore" She's been happy to be back with her head on straight, she's given me space so I'm probably happy. And then she swooped in to see me, all energetic and I gave nothing.
I didn't even look at her.
*happy sigh*
Cause fuck you.
You don't care about me.
~
And just like that I'm crying again.
Whatever raise I just got doesn't matter anymore because my mother is raising rent to appease my sisters even though they don't do what they're supposed to.
But this time I spoke up and held them all to the fire. My sisters turned on me immediately and my mom didn't choose a side.
So I pushed Nola off on them financially. I'm tired of hearing the brunt of this dog everyone wants to love on and then complain about cleaning up behind her even though I'm paying for everything fucking thing she has.
I literally drove her to an emergency vet by myself, had to open a credit card for over $5000 for emergency surgery that same night for her to still be fucking alive.
I'm really tired of being in this fucking house.
My mother is Candice. She'd rather take the path of least resistance than do what's right.
I'm really tired of being the one left upset.
"I want you to voice your opinion"
So you can ignore them? Because you shat aaaaaaall over mine because you thought I'd just go with it.
No, fuck that. Fuck you. I hate this fucking house.
I'm surrounded by such inconsiderate people that hold very special roles in my life.
They don't listen but they complain when you don't say anything. You say something and they complain that you did. You stay to yourself to keep the peace and they complain that it's a problem.
I am so fucking exhausted from having hard conversations with people who do not consider my feelings, yet alone my words.
Every time I feel like I'm getting close to where I want to be, the rug gets pulled out from under me.
The raise I was just beginning to be happy about was snatched away from me before I even fucking got my hands on it because my family would rather renig on a decision we already made together.
I hate all of this. I'm not happy. This fucking sucks and I'm tired.
And I know tonight was me making it clear that I'm not taking shit from everyone anymore.
I'm not. I'm fucking done.
The most frustrating part? They'd already decided that I was a problem.
The way my sister had the audacity to try and "put me in my place" behind how I take care of Nola? Fucking ridiculous.
You sound like a fucking idiot.
Cleaning up her shit is the least you can fucking do, bitch.
At no point did they consider 'why doesn't the one child that does everything right, clean up after Nola'
It was just an immediate name and blame, look at your shortcomings, how dare you not help us.
Meanwhile, I've been cleaning piss, shit, and vomit for years. YEARS. On top of vet bills, flea prevention, dog food, prescription dog food, prescription medicine, puppy pads, dog bowls, lodging her for trips. I'm literally the one that drove her to Texas when we moved.
BY MYSELF.
I've done all this shit on my fucking own with little to no help and they can't even clean her shit for one single year without it being an issue.
You can each go fuck yourselves.
I wasn't even gonna eat tonight but I'd finally had a moment where I was genuinely happy and I knew I was getting a raise. So I went and got a burger and fry.
And now I don't even want to eat. My fries are cold all over again and I'm crying.
This is about to be a really hard season for me.
~
I know one thing, if I'm gonna be paying $500 to live with 3 people I don't want to be around I'd rather pay that and live with one.
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