dysfunctional discovery

Candice is ok with dysfunction.

I am not.

That's why we can't even be friendly. 

Friends went further because of us both contributing to things that were happening.

We can't be friendly because she fell even more back into a rhythm that we'd both abandoned.

Dysfunction is trying to pretend everything is fine when it clearly is not.

Dysfunction is literally leaving your problems behind and coming back as if everything is fine.

Dysfunction is flirting with me knowing that I like you.

Dysfunction is coming up behind me and complimenting my hair knowing that I like you.

Dysfunction is checking in on me knowing that I don't want to do emotions with you anymore.

Dysfunction is telling me you know you haven't been around but want me to know you're here for me but then getting defensive after I double down on my boundaries.

Dysfunction is telling me you know you haven't been around but want me to know you're here for me but leaving me as soon as you get the chance.

Dysfunction is showing up upset after being blocked but not addressing what's upset you.

Dysfunction is waiting for be outside of the bathroom and joking about it without addressing what's actually upset you.

Dysfunction is waiting for me at the front desk with no apology. 

Dysfunction is waiting on me outside of the bathroom with no apology.

Dysfunction is leaving last year without addressing the issue of us being closer than friends.

Dysfunction is leaving last year without addressing the fact that you blatantly did not speak to me in class in front of your girlfriend.

Dysfunction is cock blocking me at the gym social.

Dysfunction is speaking to me while you stand next to your girlfriend at the gym social.

Dysfunction is jumping in my conversations at the gym social.

Dysfunction is finding a reason to be physically near me at the gym social.

Dysfunction is introducing your girlfriend to the people sitting right next to me at the gym social.

Dysfunction is cornering me when I come from the bathroom by moving your girlfriend to my table and standing up between where we both sit, talking to me in front of everyone just to get me to talk to you after I've been ignoring you all night.

Dysfunction is cornering me from behind immediately when you see me this past Monday, running up behind me and happily speaking to me in front of the same people who have watched me save face on your abandonning absence when you know you left me here upset and confused.

Dysfunction is strategically placing yourself in my vicinity without saying anything to me directly.

Dysfunction is running away from difficulties instead of facing them.

All I've done was create a safe space and I have set the tone for difficult conversations twice now.

All you've done is omit information, get defensive, cross my boundaries, run away, and pretend that everything is fine.

I don't want dysfunction.

And I don't know that you'll ever let that go because you have obviously abandoned whatever work you started after your last divorce. 

~

Shit. I got a gym text.

I don't know if it's automated or not but I did ask to book my next body scan towards the end of March so it's not unexpected. It's just a little jarring.

And if Candice is gonna stay on this Dysfunction train, I don't want her to be waiting on me at the front desk, ready to do my scan.

~

There were only 2 days open for next month, April 1 & 2, which was kind of weird.

I was gonna do April 1, but there's no 5pm slot, I do class at 6pm, and they don't want you doing them post-workout. And I have EMDR Monday and I don't want to be a full hot mess. 

I don't gym on Tuesdays, so I just booked it for that evening.

Dear God, puh-lease.

~

Ah! Ok.

I just got an email confirmation from Brooke.

*Whew* ok.

And it is honestly a little disappointing because I do still miss her. But not this version.

And if this version is all she's willing to give, I don't want it.

~

It's not even her choosing her girlfriend that upsets. She has never not chosen her. 

It's her choosing this dysfunction, time and time again, especially after I have tried twice now to right our situation.

~

I have tried healthy and she has steered us into dysfunction each time.

She feels like a caricature of the person I met, the person I knew.

~

I am currently eating Whataburger in the parking lot in my car. 

Could I have gone inside? Yep. But I don't fucking wanna.

Also, I'm so fucking tired of fast food places charging for regular ass sauce. Why the fuck would I pay Whataburger for barbeque sauce?

Anyways, I'm waiting on Tori to tell me to head over to her house. Andrea warned me about traffic, I didn't wanna sit at work, I'm not going to the gym, so I decided to just come to Dallas and wait here. 

The podcast girlies were joking on an old episode about how much fucking happens in long distance relationships because you only see your partner like once a month so it's always hot and heavy.

That was upsetting to hear. Especially because I know Candice's love language is physical touch.

And I keep thinking about her just standing behind me while I stretched on Monday.

Maybe she won't come around me anymore. Maybe she finally picked up what I am putting down. Maybe she's done.

I honestly don't know why she wouldn't be. But she was right on time, basically.

It's been just about that 2 month marker of her showing her ass. 

~

I am really sitting at work shook and I can't explain it.

I don't know why I'm nervous about this person that has proven she does not care about me.

Probably because I never know which version of her I'm going to get and that makes me nervous.

I fell for this version of her that felt so open and honest and vulnerable. And now I feel trapped with this version of her that's up and down every other day.

The same person that looked at me with fear on her face is the same one that followed me around and put me on front street at the gym social, waited for me at the front desk and outside the bathroom.

The same person that abandoned me with no communication posted a picture kissing her girlfriend and declaring her love, came back with an excitement to see me that was unnerving.

I don't know who I'm going to get because she doesn't seem to know who she wants to be.

~

We really did have an emotion affair, by definition. Tori called it a while back but I didn't truly see it. 

We had an emotional affair that Candice tried to rekindle.

Also, fucking Bo.

He walked over by me on the open gym and spoke to me while I was getting my life together. I spoke to him on autopilot because I was not paying attention to what was happening. 

Imagine my annoyance when I look up to see he was the one speaking to me.

Ugh.

Then I was getting my bike set up, I saw a hand entee my line of sight. I kinda reared back and saw a fist. So I looked up to see Bo, just standing there with his fist out, not saying anything. 

Weird as shit. 

So I spoke and fist bumped him.

Fucking odd. I really do think he is the one who masterminded Candice's girlfriend coming to town each time.

Last year, he saw us being us and then that happened.

This year, he was there the Friday I walked into the gym hungover, thinking Candice wasn't gonna be there, and was surprised and happy to see her happy to see me. We shared a brief moment and then he girlfriend shows up. 

And it is her girlfriend, so fair. But it's still very shitty to experience.

I'm also high.

I wonder if I really am the only person in the gym who knows her actual divorce story.