what living looks like

Candice is ok with dysfunction. I am not. That's why we can't even be friendly.  Friends went further because of us both contributing to things that were happening. We can't be friendly because she fell even more back into a rhythm that we'd both abandoned. Dysfunction is trying to pretend everything is fine when it clearly is not. Dysfunction is literally leaving your problems behind and coming back as if everything is fine. Dysfunction is flirting with me knowing that I like you. Dysfunction is coming up behind me and complimenting my hair knowing that I like you. Dysfunction is checking in on me knowing that I don't want to do emotions with you anymore. Dysfunction is telling me you know you haven't been around but want me to know you're here for me but then getting defensive after I double down on my boundaries. Dysfunction is telling me you know you haven't been around but want me to know you're here for me but leaving me as soon as you get the ...

I had the best wet dream this morning, for the first time in a long time. This guy was at my house doing something and I was falling asleep. He'd made sure I was fine and kept working.  I woke up and he was gone. But there was food waiting on me that he'd made.  It took me a while to decide to eat it but it looked so good. So I microwaved it and got to eating.  And then he was there also eating. So I got the courage to ask him if he was married. He said yes. I gave a defeated ok and walked away. When I sat down with my back to him, I realized I was only wearing a big shirt with panties underneath.  He said I told you I have two kids. And I said I know, I just needed to know if you had a wife. Meanwhile I'm asking myself why'd he even cook for me then.  At some point he started moving around at the same time as me so I smiled at him awkwardly when I caught his eye and just sat behind the kitchen island on the floor to hide. And then he walked around it, all the w...

I'm riding the fence on whether love matters at all. This world is full of people pretending, presenting as one thing and living their lives differently. How many people actually really care about those around them? How many people are doing what they want to do with no regard to the who they hurt? How many people assume that people will be fine no matter what they do to upset them? I have a family that says they love me but: I have a shitty dad who never financially supported his family and literally abandoned another. I have a mother who has always overworked herself to support this family but also out of an invisible obligation to unkind people.  I understand that we only do what we have capacity for but where does that leave others, especially when we are not clear and honest with the people we encounter.  ~ More and more I'm learning that I liked the version of these people they pretended to be. I liked who Candice pretended to be. She's not that person and I don't...

She talks a really big self-help game and she is not about any of that shit. The more and more I think about it, the only shit she had for me was probably regurgitated information her former therapist told her. Go fuck yourself. There's no way you're in therapy, why would you hold your coaches accountable when you can't hold yourself accountable, why would you have a difficult conversation with me when you can just run away from everything and come back hoping all your problems just go away. Fuck you. Eat a dick.  You have embarrassed me, confused me, and crossed my boundaries on purpose.  You flirted with me in each class in front of everyone. Everyone knows. And then you have the nerve to run away to Austin and then post a picture kissing your girlfriend and saying you love her. And then your up my ass as soon as I step foot in your fucking gym? In front of everyone? You don't care about me. You do not care about me. You don't care about how what you do affects me...

Things just suck to no end right now. Things were her, my family, I'm not making enough money to support myself.  I just feel surrounded by shit that is consistently permeating my good days.  I am not okay. Things actually suck and I hate it.   I hate the excuses I've made for people, I hate the space I saved for people, I hate that in my bed crying instead of sleeping.  I just want to yell. I want to scream and cry and punch something.  I hate these circumstances. They are shitty and annoying and uncomfortable and they suck and I feel like I suck and I can't watch movies peacefully. I just want my life to be better. I can't believe this is my reality.  I just want to sleep and not wake up with swollen eyes but I've also been crying since 3pm yesterday so only one of those things are actually realistic. ~ I don't care if she broke up with her girlfriend tomorrow, all I'm gonna remember is how much time, energy and effort she spent to not be with me des...

It's never gonna happen between Candice and I. She doesn't even want to be around me. Every time we get two close, she runs away to Austin with her girlfriend.  The only thing she is clear about is who she wants to be with.  And that's not me. I keep checking her Instagram and I hope today was the last time. Her being away is the best thing for both of us even though a part of me doesn't want that.  That doesn't matter. There's just confusion. She has been and is continuously choosing to leave me holding nothing but regret, confusion, and hurt feelings. She loves her girlfriend, not me.  She wants to be with her girlfriend, not me.  She doesn't want to fix anything with me. She doesn't want to be in the same building as me.  I am her problem, not the answer she's looking for. I want to let her go. I really fucking do.  It's just really hard.  Things with her sucked more than they were great. Things with my family suck. Things with Brea suck. ...

He just called me. It's night time there and we were talking, nothing too crazy.  But then he jokingly asked if therapy was a replacement for BDSM... ....sir? Are you making a play? On me? Because, yes please. Absolutely  do.  Candice has obviously made her decision to no longer be around me and if you wanna slide in here and help make me feel good for a few minutes, please do. ...I just don't know what this year is going to be if the first two months have been eventful, yet again. Especially with her.  And now this? Coming out of left field? And sometimes I really get the urge to just inbox Candice and take her up on her offer to be there for me. That's how   much I want her. I'm aaaaaaalmost willing to accept that from her. But it's just as easy to not do it because I know it's the easy way out for both of us and it will only further complicate things.  I mean, what does she expect to happen? I told you I liked you and the emotions were a lot and that I b...

I did this entry using voice to text and I really don't want to revisit it because my feelings were hurt and I was crying and I don't want to read it. So I'm just gonna leave this jumble right here. ~ Well I ended up burning myself Sunday while I was cooking because my mind was thinking about candice. It was not exciting it hurt a lot and I knew immediately why it happened. I haven't seen her in like a month now and although our time apart used to make me doubt anything ever happened between us and now is a much larger sign of things that happened between us I've just been really irritated and sad and it makes it like the other emotions that aren't as heavy but these are pertinent. I'm just really tired too of all of the things. I just didn't realize how much I was depending on go to make things better. And now I'm crying because doubt doesn't really make things better just makes it seem like it's better and it's not. They just suck and n...

I'm officially a little down. The turning point? I went to volunteer today and it was fun. People were excited to see me, someone walked up to me to give me a hug.  And I was having a blast until an old lady asked me about Utility Assistance. I was like... I just so the arts. And we talked through a translator for a minute before I realized she had me mistaken for another black person. They were really sweet about it but it kinda gutted me a little bit. Because I felt invisible again. And it reminded me of Candice. Because she seems to be making an effort to not see me. And even though I set boundaries, it still feels like I'm not getting what I want. Like she'd rather fully avoid me than respect my wishes. Which on one hand is fine but it also hurts my feelings and I'm not used to this. Just sitting in it. It fucking sucks. Because if she is avoiding me, I have never had someone who just couldn't be around me. And I know I basically iced her out to her face but at ...

It's been four weeks of me, seemingly, being avoided like the plague.  How does it feel? Like shit. Feeeeels like shit. And I thought I'd   be the one to break this stupid...basically no contact situation. Two weeks ago, I planned to go to the gym comp with Mia. I figured Candice can't avoid them and she seemed to be out all week but still make it to the compa. But got sleepy while I waited and then went home. Mia texted me that she'd made it but I texted her that I was going home. This past week I went. Mia didn't come, but Tori and Kaylin did. So I hung out with them and a few others in passing, laughing. It was a good time. Candice was not there. And I wasn't the only one who noticed.  But I still enjoyed myself. Tori even hugged me before she left lol. It was so sweet, it caught me off guard. We left before the coach's heat and Kaylin mentioned she'd stay if Candice was here to see her workout cause she's so fast. And I left disappointed on one h...

I know how I feel.  I know what I think. But I do not know how she feels or why she does what she does.  ~ And doubt it slowly creeping in. And it feels more heartbreaking than confusing or safe.  Because what if everyone is right? What if it's all in my head? What if she has just been handling me poorly because of other circumstances? I know what I know. I've been honest about how I feel... Why would she want to talk to me or be there for me when she knows I like her? Why did she get defensive when all she had to do was apologize for the confusion? I don't fucking know. I wish she'd just handle things with me differently.  I wish she'd be direct.  'No I don't like you' 'Im sorry for the confusion, that was never my intention' That sort of thing. ~ Maybe I've been projecting this whole time. Maybe she is very happy with her girlfriend.  Maybe when she said she was trying to figure things out with her girlfriend she meant figuring out how to m...

Me and Mia spent the day together We did the butterfly exhibit, my first rodeo, split a mid-day snack, bonded. All the things.  I learned that: Crawford is her brother Nipple Boy flirts with literal every girl with a pulse Libby was married  Libby and Nipple Boy slept together  People and coaches quit the gym right after that. I didn't get a date but I'm assuming it was around the time Candice's girlfriend came to the gym and she ignored me because soon after, Nipple Boy was gone.  Apparently she basically had been making him work from home while she put out the fires at the gym. All the while she's juggling whatever we were doing.  So I gained another perspective I didn't have before.  I didn't tell her everything about me and Candice but I did tell her that I told Candice and that we used to have talks. She said that liking Candice isn't a big deal because everyone does and she talks to everyone. She used to take someone out for coffee when their mom had ...

I also really want to talk to her. I just want-- I just want her. I want her to be with me. I don't want to have to avoid her. I don't want her to keep running from me.   Like, I realized this morning that that's probably what's happening right now. It's the same dance but weirdly different. Her girlfriend came, she acknowledged me so much so I had to avoid her, and as soon as her girlfriend left, she was gauging how pissed I was that Monday she was being really awkward.  And now I haven't seen her in weeks. ~ Since my last reprocessing doubt is no longer as prevalent with her. I'm more of less in disbelief that all of this happened. We were able to build something, although on shaky foundation, that has shook us both to our core. Even at my most broken, I was still able to experience that with her.  I really want to know how she felt during all of that, how she feels now. ~ I just keep realizing things for the first time. My hair is longer now. Yesterday wa...

I haven't been on her Instagram in a week.  It feels easy but I also feel drawn. My curiosity is working hard.  I know I've told her on two separate occasions that we can't, but it's all I want to do.  All I want to do is be wrapped up in her.  Her, as a single person who's back on the dating scene, back in therapy.  Is this balance? Feeling my feelings but not acting on them anymore.  Ignoring her when all I want to do is lean in. I also haven't seen her in a week. Last time, I was off work and she was waiting for me when I walked in. I think yesterday also bothered me a little because I'd let yet another person who was attracted to me, liked talking to me, but failed to pull the trigger. ...this is why I liked when I was angry with her. Because it's easier for me.  Having to hide how I feel, refrain from falling into her, keep pushing her away.  And a part of me is worried that I'm gonna cave. Because she knows how I feel and keeps coming, tryin...

I met someone. Literally the second thing he ever said to me was a compliment.  He said 'Hi, I like your hair, is it dreads' I was high as a kite, zooted and booted. Didn't even think he was paying attention to me because no one really knew who I was. I assumed they were just doing pleasantries, going through the motions. I tuned in and was like 'ohmygah is he flirting' I looked in his eyes and was like 'oh, he's kinda cute' But out loud I said 'thank you, there are. It's not my hair but it's like attached to it' Straight fumbling.  And then I laughed at myself.  Throughout the evening, I thought about what it's be like to be with Candice. All through the day honestly since last night. Enjoying the camp fire with her, getting ready for bed with her, going to bed next to each other. Cuddling, talking, touching, playing, moaning. I'm also high from my second bong rip ever, so lips are loose at this point. Anyways, that interaction w...

That can't be right, can it? But I think about her all the time,  I literally want to share my world with her, I want to tell her all the everythings.  I want to just look at her.  Looking at her makes me feel peace.  Yes, she makes me nervous. Yes, she makes me mad. Yes, she's been the reason I've cried. But looking at her feels like looking at someone I've known my entire life. Her eyes hold many things. Her face shares many things. Her voice carries many things.  Her presence takes up the air around me.  I can see her.  Her past, her drive, her agitation, her apology, her regret, her discomfort.  But I have yet to hear her speak her truth since last summer. The most honest she's been was that statement she made to me. "she knows she hasn't been there lately and how she has just been trying to be there for me" I think I love her because even though I hate what she is doing and what she has done, I understand why. And that doesn't excuse her acti...